2017, A Hell Bound Train Of A Year, Part 3: Donald Trump Plunks his Magic Tweeter

-by Noah

Twitler, that’s what they call him. He’s a tweet machine. Sure, those who voted for him would like to take his combined twitter spew, put it in a leather bound, gold-embossed Bible Of Trump, and sell it. Maybe, there would even be a special gold-plated edition, the proceeds of which could go to poor, starving billionaires. For them it would be a kind of "Quotations Of Chairman Mao." But Mao was a tyrant of another era. We have enough with this one: this Donald J. Trump.

Twitler doesn’t give press conferences like actual presidents. He’s chicken-shit. He’s the 13-year-old bully who’s afraid to face the adults. So, he sits in his gold bathroom early every morning and… tweets. His psyche was made for tweeting, just as his undersized fingers and undersized vocabulary were.

I sometimes imagine the following: I imagine that Trump is a constant aggravation even to the people around him in the White House who support his mission to dismantle America. I imagine a spoiled child in a constant tantrum state who refuses to get dressed every morning. I imagine a spoiled child who won’t eat the nice breakfast prepared for him. I imagine that, instead, of his eggs and toast, he stomps his feet and screams for his diet cokes and his cheetos. I imagine the staff gets so frustrated that they just cave in to him, and hoist him into his playpen in a room just outside the oval office. The staff throws his twitter machine in after him, and, from there, he runs the country, sort of, while Mike Pence or some fake double of Trump sits at "the big desk" and pretends to be president; a fake president whose job it is to translate the whims of an insane, playpen-bound Manchurian man-child into bizarro world policy for his party and, therefore, the country.

This then is how the United States Of America is run in the year 2017 and into next year, at least. Think of Pence and General Kelly and any one of a number of White Supremacist Trump Administration staff as priests consulting the big fat orange wailing baby in the playpen with his twitter machine like an oracle of Delphi-- Ladies and Gentlemen, The Oracle of The Playpen, The President of the United States Of America, der Leader of the Free World. Isn’t that comforting?

This morning (Christmas morning as I write this), the fat, stinky, diaper-wearing brat grabbed… his phone and tweeted out, for all the world to see, that he had ended the mythological "War On Christmas," a war that exists only in the minds of fellow demented Republicans. How utterly insane do you have to be to claim that you have won a war that never existed? What else will Trump soon claim? That he has personally found a cure for cancer? That he won the World Series for the Houston Astros as a personal gift to make Texas feel better after the floods of Hurricane Harvey and that he decided to do that instead of the promised personal contribution of $1,000,000 that he never gave?

I have a feeling that, right this very second, there’s a huge conference call of key Republicans, FOX "News" crazies, Alex Jones’ Info Wars crazies, and White House staff jihadists, wherein they are all trading war stories about their days fighting in the War On Christmas. You know it’s going something like this-

I served 3 tours of duty in the legendary Reindeer Air Squadron. Many Sleighs were shot down and reindeer lost to the liberals who took all the presents and handed them out to disgusting little orphans! Our ground troops, particularly the Tucker Carlson Brigade under General Bill O’Reilly, took a lot of ornament shrapnel when the leftists blew up all the Christmas trees! I remember when Obama tried to forbid the sale of Christmas wrapping paper and tried to close all the churches!

We’re now left to wonder when Trump will be handing out medals for meritorious deeds in the fight against the War On Christmas. When will complete nutjobs in Congress, nutjobs like Louis Gomert and Orrin Hatch call for a special new War On Christmas Remembrance Day? I can see the parades now; complete with animatronic Jesuses and good Republican christonuts riding 6000 year old dinosaurs decked out in Christmas lights and bough of holly. And every town will have an animatronic Mike Pence loudly reading bible verses in the town square!