Trump-Branded Shit

-by Dorothy Reik

Never one to bypass a branding opportunity, Donald Trump has decided to increase and extend his presence in the heroin production capital of the world, Afghanistan. Under the rubric "Make Afghanistan Great Again" Trump promises to create jobs, and provide quality Trump brand Afghan heroin at a lower price. Trump will identify his heroin, packaged in reusable bindles created by Ivanka Trump's own designers, with the golden "T" so that buyers can be sure to get the superior heroin produced under Trump family supervision. "Be sure to insist on Trump Brand Heroin when you go out to score-- or when you order your product delivered. Remember, Trump brand heroin supasses War Lord Heroin and Terrorist Heroin in strength and purity. Trump Brand Heroin is certified organic by Donald Trump himself." While it has proved difficult to "take their oil," in Iraq, Trump seems certain that "taking their heroin" in Afghanistan will be easy.

Last week Trump also threatened a small competitor in the heroin trade-- Pakistan. Stay tuned.