Sean Spicer Quits. Bring On The Next Goon!

-by Noah

The world’s most famous, amazing, and, tremendous insane asylum, located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC, announced Friday that Sean Spicer would be leaving his podium to spend more time with his imaginary playmates, … or something. Bye, Bye, Spicey. Even you just couldn’t take it anymore.

So, he’s gone. So what. Seems he left his job as Press Secretary because he just wasn’t gonna report to Senor Trumpanzee’s new, slick, “communications” director, Anthony “Mooch” Scaramucci, no how, no way.

Scaramucci is a Wall Street hedge fund guy through and through; another former Goldman-Sachs bozo. Those of you who like to watch the bizarre comedy stylings of FOX “News” may have caught him there, spewing the twisted gospel of Trump; so much for draining the swamp. As exemplified by his introductory presser on Friday afternoon, Mooch is impressively slimy. He’s the son the Trumpanzee wishes he had. He looks like the sons, dresses like the sons. He’s just smarter, slicker, and even slimier. If Trump were ever to be reduced to selling used cars, Mooch would be the guy in the late night TV ads.

New member of Politburo/Crime Family

Mooch also seems to do the Trumpanzee hero worship thing even better than Kellyanne Conway. Remember that cabinet meeting where Senor Trumpanzee had his crew praising him over and over? Mooch says all those things Senor Trumpanzee’s massive ego wants to hear and more. Mooch was reading from the script although, in the recent past, he called Trump “a hack politician” and a “big-mouth bully”. But, now that he’s getting a nice check, he went out and backed all of the warped Trumpian world view greatest hits: the news is fake, the hoax stuff, the 3 million (or was it 5, maybe 10!) illegal voters that went for Hillary Clinton. Listening to Scaramucci, you expected him to say Trump shoots a hole in one every damn time he hits the golf course and can bend spoons with his mind while curing your cancer just by gazing at your picture. If Kim Jong-un offers him more money, Moochie will be gone in a second and on his way to a new office in North Korea.

Obviously, once the appointment of Mooch was made, it became even too much for the self-flagellating Spicer to stand for. Even Spicer had his limits. Who knew? Having seen this new boss in his gasp-inducing introductory press conference, I can certainly relate, just as I could relate to Spicey’s feelings about previously being replaced by the Ozark inbred (look at those strange, dull, un-matching eyes) Sarah Huckabee Sanders, or being cruelly shut out of meeting the Pope when Senor Trumpanzee knew that that was the most important thing to him, a professed extremely devout Catholic, in the world. It was the final straw, even for a man who had never shown a sign of self-respect.

Hell, Senor Trumpanzee, who wears his Chinese-made ties down to his knees like a circus clown, even insulted Sean’s clothes while having nothing to say about Kellyanne Conway’s dried mop hair and cartoonish fashion decisions. Things like that had to be bending Spicey’s psyche sideways.

How much could you take? To top it off, I bet Speicy also didn’t want to spend the next few months trying to dodge the onslaught of questions about revolving Attorney Generals and Senor Trumpanzee wanting to pardon himself, his aides, his family, and every mob family in America.

Spicer took a lot because he foolishly believed. He believed the con from day 1. That’s why he took the job. So, he took the insults from his boss, while spinning his boss’s lies. He took the insults from the boss’s family and associates. He took the insults from the world at large. The man might be thick but he had to know he’d made himself a joke to all around him, not just the public. I half-expected him to someday just pull out a knife and start stabbing himself at the podium. Maybe that’s the real reason why the White House stopped broadcasting his press briefings. No one, and by no one, I mean except myself and about 100 million Americans, wanted to see that one.

So, for you Sean Spicer, and you the public, I offer this list of Spicey’s Ten Greatest Hits. It’s just a list of my personal favorites. You may have yours. I’ve been keeping a list since January. There are many others, including his disastrous attempts to talk about the Muslim Ban/Travel Ban not being a ban at all, and, his wearing of his American flag pin upside down. Was that known sign of distress an unconscious call for help? Here you are:

1. His legendary 1st press briefing, the day after Trumpanzee’s inaguration; the one where he repeatedly yelled at, and harangued the press while telling the world that his boss’s inauguration had more attendees than President Obama’s and that of any previous president, especially President Obama’s. Did I mention Obama’s? Kellyanne Conway defended him to Chuck Todd the next day, coining The term “Alternative Facts,” aka the essence of a delusional administration.

2. His February blocking of several news outlets, including the New York Times, and CNN, from having a seat at a press briefing.

3. Back in March, he yelled at respected, veteran reporter April Ryan for the perceived crime of shaking her head at his nonsensical treatment of her question about the administration's dubious image.

4. By the end of March, Spicer was drawing comparisons to Saddam Hussein’s spokesman, Baghdad Bob (Mohammad Saeed al-Sahaf), who was known for his predictions and accounts of the American invasion failing miserably. Baghdad Bob, at times, even denied that the invasion had even happened. It was a comparison that was perfect in every way, delusion included. Spicey was perfect for Trump just as Baghdad Bob was perfect for Saddam. I’ll leave the comparison of Saddam and Trump to the future.

5. In April, Spicey claimed that Adolf Hitler never used chemical weapons. This was same great day where he referred to Nazi concentration camps where millions of Jews were gassed as “Holocaust Centers.” He then made his statements worse with each “revised statement.”

6. He dutifully repeated Senor Trumpanzee’s baseless and debunked claims that President Obama had wiretapped him.

7. He also dutifully repeated Senor Trumpanzee’s lies about widespread “voter fraud.” His conscience was gone. His soul was owned by someone else.

8. Spicey will forever be immortalized by Melissa McCarthy’s portrayal of him on Saturday Night Live.

9. Before Senor Trumpanzee chose him as spokesman to the press, Spicey was most famous for playing the Easter Bunny for George Bush.

10. When Senor Trumpanzee fired FBI Director James Comey, Spicey had trouble coming to terms with how he would address such an unpopular and awkward situation. His solution was to hide in the bushes outside the White House. Was this the first sign of a complete nervous breakdown?

Well, we won’t have Spicey to kick around anymore but just think about how Melissa McCarthy feels. Besides, there just might be a gig at the FOX Fantasy News channel, or maybe with the similar Info Wars. I’d rather Spicey have a good, old time religious epiphany, go totally honest, and write a tell-all book. I won’t hold my breath. Do it Spicey. If you don’t you will burn in your Catholic Hell for all eternity. Not only that, Sean, but, you’ll have to listen to Kellyanne and Sarah getting in on in the next burning room with a half goat half man that looks a lot like Donnie Jr.