Comrade Trump: Inauguration Fiasco 2017! The Latest Inauguration News!

-by Noah

Folks, it is with deep orange sadness, that I tell you the following facts about President Trump’s Inauguration Fiasco 2016. These are real facts, not the kind that pour out of the mouth of Kellyanne Konartist or the man who wears an orange rat on his head.

Here’s the latest, as of Tuesday evening, January 17th:

1. The B Street Band Says "No Deal!"

Remember when I postulated that even Chris Christie putting his weight behind convincing Bruce Springsteen to play the Trump inauguration failed, resulting in Comrade Trump being forced to book the "world renowned" B Street Band, a Springsteen tribute band?

Well, the tribute band has pulled out. Think about this one. Comrade Trumpinsky campaigned bigly on the idea that he knew how to make deals! Hell, he even "wrote" a book about it. He couldn’t even close a deal to get a tribute band to play for him. Sad! Loser!

No word as to whether Vladimir Putin will be sending some Russian dancing bears to replace the B Street Band.

2. Ticket Scalpers

As with any large event, ticket scalpers make out like bandits. Inaugurations are no exceptions... except this time. With Trump’s approval ratings sliding almost daily, selling tickets to the event is a difficult if not nearly impossible endeavor. Comrade Trumpinsky’s approval rating has sunk to 44% in one poll, 40% in another. These numbers are the worst pre-inauguration ratings ever. Similar polls from the recent past showed Dubya at 61% and Obama at 83%.

Occupydemocrats even reports that a desperate Donald is now offering free tickets. This makes me wonder if his parents paid kids to come to his birthday parties. Sad! Loser!

Scalpers would have done much better if they had put their money in bus or train tickets for the next day’s Woman’s March On Washington, which is expected to be one of the largest protests in our nation’s history.

3. Congressional Boycotts

When an American hero like Rep. John Lewis says that Trumpinsky is not, and never will be, a legitimate president, rational people listen. As I write this, more than 50 of his fellow congresspersons have joined Rep. Lewis in boycotting the certification and approval of fascism on Friday. We need more great Americans like Mr. Lewis.

4. Portable toilet update!

I know this is of maximum importance at any outdoor event, especially in this case when there will be so many senior citizens. Being a senior, I get this. Believe me.

So, it may interest you to know that, when it comes to large events in the Washington, DC area, the go-to company for portable toilets is a company by the name of Don’s Johns! I kid you not!

What then, to do? Does the Donald Trump Inauguration Committee send the Donald’s personal plane out to, say, Oklahoma or some other place where a different company has the portable toilet franchise? Do they then load up Trump’s private plane with every portable toilet that will fit?

Nope. Who says Trump can’t solve the problems that face America? The Donald had a fix at hand! The solution was to just tape over the “Don’s Johns” logo on every single portable toilet being made available for Friday. At press time, there was no word as to whether or not the “Don’s Johns” logo was replaced with a nice shiny, sparkly, golden TRUMP logo.

But, what about Trumpinsky himself? What does a man who regards the whole world as his toilet, do? Will the speech be short due to necessity? Or, will the new president be using a catheter? Do they come really small?

5. Cabs

I have nothing to back this up, yet, but a good friend reports to me that he is in Washington right now and, on his cab ride to the hotel, he noticed that traffic was unusually light. When he asked the cabbie about it, his response was that, in the 30 years that he’s been driving a cab, he has never seen the streets so empty. In fact, he said, he’d had only 3 fares all day and was worried about making his rent this month.

Veterans of inaugurations past, say that Washington is always gridlocked during Inauguration week. Not this time. Have a lot of people simply left town? I know I would if such an infestation of Republicans was coming.

The real rats in Washington are huge. I know this. I used to live there. They are double the size of New York rats. But, the good citizens of our nation’s capital know how to deal with rats of the rodent variety. Dealing with an infestation of of drunken zombie Republicans? Best to stay inside or leave town altogether.

6. Dress shops: No Gowns To Be Found?

Trumpinsky has been tweeting away about how successful this week's events will be. In one tweet, the Twit-In-Chief claimed that there wasn’t a gown to be found. All sold out. None. As it turns out... not so.

Salon reports their visit to the Dior Store revealed otherwise, but, they were quickly hustled from the store. It appears that word came down from Dior headquarters in New York that no Trump-related questions were to be answered. Sounds like someone has something to hide.

A parting thought:

Dear Republicans, there are only a few hours of the Obama presidency left, and, believe it, you still have your guns!

For 8 years, you have been telling all of us that President Obama is coming to take our guns away. That total wackjob who runs the NRA has taken millions from you dumbass suckers based on that claim alone. Some of you have even hidden your guns by burying them in your backyard. Now, like the brain-parasite ridden mangy little squirrels that you are, some of you don’t even remember wear you hid them.

Hey, maybe, instead of the backyard, you hid them under your floorboards or in your walls, but you can’t remember that either. You will now literally need to start tearing your house apart to find them, but only after Obama is gone, of course.

In any event, Obama has only hours left, mere hours, to launch that surprise, nationwide attack and come for your guns. Are ya still scared? I’m not. He’s had 8 years. I know I still have my gun. It’s right here, next to my computer. When that big Obama tank comes to my door, my Colt .45 is gonna show that tank a thing or two!

"Trump is the perfect modern American. He's a human consumption machine with no attention span, no self-control, no beliefs and no hobbies outside of sex, spending, eating and talking about himself. Nixon at least played the piano and read classics. He was an intellectual with a pig's heart. Trump is just the pig part."

-Matt Taibbi