Is It Time For Campaign Organizations to Fire Their Candidates?

-by Noah

Imagine a world where a campaign organization had so much power over its candidate that they could replace that candidate at will. Think about it. So many political candidates are such empty vessels, and so devoid of any real intellect or personality, let alone moral compass, that they are really nothing more than a creation of campaign script writers. What lengths would a campaign go to in such a world where a candidate is so inept that a churlish, bullying 4th grader like Donald Trump was beating that candidate like the proverbial rented mule.

Given the general attitude of Republicans everywhere, I can be sure that Canada’s Rafael “Ted” Cruz and Florida’s Marco Rubio are extremely jealous that Herr Trumpf has garnered the endorsements Chris “Jabba the Hutt” Christie, Maine’s wacko teabagger racist governor Paul LePage, and, most importantly and tellingly, the enthusiastic endorsement of seemingly every cross-burning White Supremacy organization known to human kind. It’s the Republican dream and Trumpf is living it!

“Jeb” Bush, who fired himself, is probably now sitting at home drinking, wondering “Why not me? Didn’t I prevent thousands of African-Americans from voting for Al Gore and against my brother back in 2000? I was a racist bigot before that Trump guy even did his first comb-over! I was a racist bigot before Marco Boobio was even born! I was probably a full-blown racist a-hole before “Ted” even thought of leaving Canada! WTF! WTF!”

I’m just as sure that this lack of ability to procure the endorsements of such an A-list of creeps and worse is a primary cause in “Ted” firing his chief spokesman, Rick Tyler, last week, not long after “Jeb” dragged his sorry tail back to Florida or whatever other hellhole he calls home these days.

But, leave it to Marco Boobio, the original Dan Quayle, to be able to play the ultimate campaign victim card. In a first, Marco has been replaced, by his own campaign organization! At least that’s what The Onion is telling us, and, since fellow made up news organization, FOX “News” has reported Onion stories as fact before, who are we to think the Onion’s claim might even be true in the real world and not just something that FOX viewers might believe?

In any event, the idea that a campaign organization could be so upset with the failings of its miserable cretin of a candidate that that campaign would replace their candidate is an idea whose time has definitely come. If we’d had this wonderful concept back in 2008, Sarah Palin would have been gone five minutes after her infamous Katie Couric interview, never to be seen again. Why fire the campaign spokescretin like Cruz did, when a campaign can just fire the candidate! Genius! Here’s hoping it’s the wave of the future, if there is a future.

MIAMI—In what political observers characterized as the organization’s highest-level staff shakeup to date, the presidential campaign of Sen. Marco Rubio announced Monday it would be bringing on a new candidate for the remainder of the 2016 election.

Top members of the Rubio camp, speaking at a morning press conference at their Florida headquarters, assured reporters that the organization’s split with its former candidate was an amicable one, but noted that the team’s senior leadership had concluded a new direction was necessary to ensure the campaign’s future success.

“Everyone at Rubio ’16 is very grateful for Marco’s hard work these past 10 months, but we think someone with a fresh, new approach will give us the best shot at winning the Republican nomination and taking the White House in November,” said campaign manager Terry Sullivan, adding that while Rubio would no longer be a part of the campaign going forward, the rest of the organization would remain in place, exactly as is. “This campaign is a well-oiled machine with a terrific network of volunteers and staffers across the country, and with a little bit of new energy in a key position, we’re confident our message will appeal to all Americans.”

...Although Sullivan declined to provide additional details about the campaign’s decision to split with the candidate, unnamed sources from within the Rubio camp reported that tensions between Rubio and senior officials dissatisfied with his job performance had been building for months. Campaign insiders additionally confided that many within the organization believed from the beginning that the relatively young newcomer to national politics was never a good fit for the high-pressure environment of a top-level post in a presidential campaign.

Several sources with knowledge of the situation stated that staffers had initially considered simply relegating the candidate to a lesser role within the organization. However, advisors were reportedly convinced that a clean break was the only way forward, because Rubio—who had been entrusted with such a prominent role in the campaign due, in part, to beliefs that he could help expand the campaign’s reach to a younger and more diverse audience—had failed to make any significant inroads with millennial voters.

“It’s been obvious that something like this was in the works for a while now, but after failing to win any of the early primary states, I think the campaign realized they couldn’t put it off any longer,” said conservative columnist Kathryn Jean Lopez, adding that allegations of incompetence were also reportedly leveled by certain staff members and likely played a role in the split. “Bringing on a new candidate gives them a chance to find someone who really grasps the message that Rubio ’16 is trying to communicate to voters. Sure, it’s risky to change up at this point, but what other choice do they have?”

Added Lopez, “I’m sure right now the Rubio campaign is just wishing they’d listened to all the people who said they should’ve gone with someone more experienced from the beginning.”