Sunday, December 20, 2015

A “Craig's List” For Republicans- Republican World 2015 In Review- Chapter Three


-By Noah

What if Republicans had their own version of Craigslist; a place where Republicans could sell goods and services to other Republicans? Knowing what we do of the Republican world and the minds of those who live in it, it might look very much like this. Let’s call it Buchanan’s List after hate-mongering culture warrior Pat Buchanan. It just seems to fit.

Buchanan’s List:

1. Selling a can of vintage Campbell Chunky Chicken Soup that I had in the abandoned missile silo I moved into 7 years ago when the internet and FOX told me the president was going to take away my guns. Original label with the old logo is scuffed a bit but still intact so you can read the cooking instructions and the list of ingredients. Old logo makes this can REALLY rare. Expiration date also proves rarity. These are REALLY hard to find outside of Idaho. $100 or will trade for ammo. Citizen X.

2. Vintage pick-up truck. Some dents and rust, but nothing serious. Still has beautiful Reagan/Bush bumper sticker intact! $4000 includes CB Radio! Male drivers only. No homos. Mike H.

3. Ted Cruz supporter selling home meth lab to raise funds for his candidacy. I’ve made enough meth to last a lifetime for me, my wife-sister, and our home-skooled childs. $15,000 or best offer. Contact LubbockDude1.

4. Fabulous Readers Digest record collection of patriotic tunes performed by Lawrence Welk. Comes with autographed picture of Gerald Ford as a bonus! $60. Pat R.

5. Rick Santorum-style sweater collection. 18 sweaters. Please send me your bids! Perfect for Mr. Rogers imitators, too!

6. Put a candle in your window for our freedoms. Selling homemade Red, White, And Blue patriot candles. Light one in your window for freedom! You won’t see these in the secret Muslim usurper’s White House but your neighbors can see them in yours! Scents available include Cheeseburger, Beer, Bourbon, Meth, and Napalm! 13 in a Constitution Box! Yours for $17.76 post paid. Alex J.

7. Custom “We Reserve The Right To Refuse Service” signs for your church or business! Gays, Blacks, Libtards, A-rabs, Chinamen, French… Whatever creepy, strange un-American people might hurt your business, I will make a beautiful custom porcelain door sign for you to keep undesirables away. $10.99 each. Up to 8 different for $120.00 plus shipping. RadioMike.

8. Gay Conversion Board Game- A home game version! A great home game that you can give to any suspicious children in your own family. Buy one for the neighbor kids, too! They play this godly board game which slowly but surly cures them of any gay tendencies through electro-therapy and a series of coded messages on the board that match up with messages on the cards dealt to each player. Comes with transformer and 4 electrode helmets. It’s a gift from God. Only $86.86 used (It worked!). Contact Mr.B.FromMN.

9. E-Z-EXIT Left Behind Shoes! Don’t risk losing out on rapture just because a shoe wouldn’t drop off your foot! Contact JerryF.Jr. on member board.

10. Re-useable Burning Crosses! Custom made! Using gas fireplace log technology, I have come up with a way to give you the opportunity to own a completely re-useable cross to burn! Now, that’s a satisfying experience! Wheeled model can even be hooked up to your pick up truck’s gas tank and you can tow it all over town! Believe me, libtards hate this! Works behind your boat, too, and I will provide the skis at a nominal cost to you! Megyn Kelly Signature Series coming in 2016! Ask for G.Wizard Poobah!

11. Telescope, well-used but still works fine. Surveillance is the key to a happy 21st century! Now you can keep an extra close watch on what all the neighbors are up to. Works in reverse, too, so you can keep any unwanted manifestations of reality at a distance. Leave message for Darth at Undisclosed.

12. Former mayor of major city available for commentary. One minute up to 12 hours non-stop. I specialize in blaming Democrats for anything under the sun, especially tragedies, natural disasters included. Will do TV, Radio, Weddings (The normal kind), Baptisms, Graduations, Funerals, PTA meetings, park benches, street corners… You name it. If the camera’s on and the money’s there, I will be there. If you want a one-two punch, my friend Bernie K is also available. Ask for Rudy G.

13. Race Card Specialist. Need to burnish up those race-baiting skills? Contact America’s number one race baiter. If you develop your skills well enough, I can probably even get you a high-paying job where I work! Ask for Bill O.

14. I will mow your lawn, naked for attention. Hot days only. Email Rudy at

15. Will blow your horse for camera time. Email Rudy at above.

16. Experienced CEO needs job. Great experience with tech companies! Former CEO of HP. Been out of a job for quite a while which mystifies me. Really, I’ve got what it takes to change your company’s profit picture and my resume proves it. Please contact

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At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That gif of Carly Fiorina is almost enough to make me go gay.

At 7:00 PM, Anonymous Michael Simmons said...

I knew there had to be a reason Rudy supported the Central Park horse-and-carriages.


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