A Further Dissection Of Rep. McCarthy And Washington’s Favorite New Game: Speaker Of The House Roulette

-By Noah

Damn, Kevin McCarthy, we hardly knew thee! It would have been so… interesting!

Now the Republicans will have to find someone truly in need of an exorcism to take your place.

The whole process is reminding me of those horrible Russian roulette scenes in The Deer Hunter where the protagonists keep putting bullets in the gun, holding it to their heads, then take very deep breaths and hope for luck; all in order to escape their horrible existence. Is there a workable way out?

Making sense is not a Republican attribute but McCarthy’s personal lexicon and communication abilities are so bad that he and his Abbey Normal brain probably need to spend some quality time under the knife of neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson.

Yet, unbeknownst to most Americans, Rep. McCarthy (R-CA) rose as high as the position of House Majority leader. His peers elected him and he was the preferred successor of outgoing Speaker John Boehner. What category of sub-humans is more pathetic? Is it those fellow republican congresscretins who voted to make him Majority Leader, or is it the republican voters in his home district who voted to send him to Washington; feeling that he was a fine choice to represent them, mixed up word salad, chopped syntax, grammar atrocities and all? Hey, the man looks good in a suit! What else do we need?

Remember when LBJ said that Gerald Ford had spent too much time playing college football at the University of Michigan without a helmet? Do we need to institute concussion protocols in Washington? I think so! Perhaps for voters, too!

Here are some selected quotations from Rep. McCarthy. No, they are not typos. This is McCarthy vérité. Sadly, it wasn’t his inability to form coherent sentences that cost him a chance to be Speaker. It was his admission, proudly declared on Sean Hannity’s Nightly Buffoon-O-Rama TeeVee show, that the Benghazi hearings only existed to drag Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers and favorability ratings down.

"We have isolated Israel, while bolding places like Iran."

"It defies belief that the president would allow the ban on Iranian oil exports to be lifted. And also stand by while Russia blackmails an entire continent, all the while keeping the place the band on America."

"We don’t have the same as difficult decision that this White House is managing the decline and putting us in tough decisions for the future." [This one is my favorite.]

"We must engage this war of radical Islam if our life depended on it. Because it does."

"This 'safe zone' would create a stem a flow of refugees… Unlike during the surge in Iraq when Petraeus and Crocker had an effective politically strategy to match the military strategy."

"In the past few years alone, I have visited Poland, Hungria, Estonia, Russia, and Georgia…"

Remember that South Carolina (‘nuff said) beauty contestant who couldn’t speak? [See video up top for a refresher.] How could McCarthy have been seriously considered Speaker of the House if he can’t speak? How can he rail against immigrants if the majority of them speak better English than he does?

Keep in mind that he would have been right behind the Vice President in the chain of succession if the President and Vice President both met an untimely demise. Might we be better off if a chimpanzee sat in the Speaker’s chair clapping a couple of cymbals together? Of course, that might have been better than Boehner, too, but, this just goes to show that if the public accepts a mediocre choice, it lowers the bar and opens the door to something even worse. The same principle applies to political extremism.

Is Kevin McCarthy a robot designed to convince us that, compared to him, Dubya could actually put a sentence together? After all Dubya’s brother is doing quite a job of convincing us that Dubya is the smarter brother.

I have a feeling that "something even worse" is what we will get for the next Speaker of the House. So, here are some of the possibilities, some of which are quite gruesome. Let’s start with Paul Ryan since he is being heavily lobbied by his fellow Repugs to take the job. By the time you read this, he may even have agreed to take the job.

Is Rep. Ryan qualified? Well, he is the ultimate pathological liar, as evidenced by his acceptance speech at the 2012 Republican convention.

His policy ideas are certainly in keeping with his party’s war on Americans. What can you say further about a twitchy little rodent man who thinks that rape is just another form of insemination? A bigger problem with Ryan is easily noted: Just look at his eyes. The man is clinically insane.

Next up: Rep. Daniel Webster of Florida is much talked about. Now, he may represent the utter kooks of his state very well, but, he is so extreme that he may even be too extreme for the majority of his party. Religious extremism is his special forte. Like so many of his party, he’s for it, believing in stoning for just about everybody. It’s often very difficult to tell Republicans from Muslim extremists and Webster is as good of an example of that as anybody in his whole nutjob party.

Could current House Majority Whip, Louisiana’s Steve Scalise be “the guy”? He’s on record as speaking to white supremacist groups and boastfully calling himself "David Duke without the baggage" so he fits the Republican ideal. Before McCarthy removed himself, Scalise was running to replace him.

Would current Speaker John Boehner be forced to un-retire? "Just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in." If that starts to look like a real possibility, I suggest that those who care about his well-being, remove all handguns, prescription sedatives, and sharp objects from his reach.

As we are all aware, there is a myriad of kooks and crazies in the Republican Party. How about Rep. Louie "the bestiality guy" Gohmert or any of the other Texas crazies, like former-Rep. Steve Stockman? Is there anyone in the Republican Party who is sane enough for the job? Keep in mind that the job of herding the cats of the repug party will drive a sane man or woman to insanity if they are not there already. The job is a ticket to hell, but, it is a hell designed by the Republican Party. They embraced the teabaggers and now they are forced to deal with the results because any candidate for the job has to get the official teabag (Koch Brothers) approval. What price for a House majority?

Who else, you might ask? Rafael "Ted" Cruz has had his name floated. Keep in mind that, constitutionally, the Speaker of the House does not actually have to be a member of the current House or even a member of the party. The name of Newt Gingrich has been floated by Sean Hannity and Newtie himself. Hopefully that idea is floating face down. It worked so well the last time. Newtie probably parades around his house naked, fantasizing about leading an impeachment of another Clinton. Sorry to put that image in your mind but if you’ve read this far…

How about Michele Bachmann? Or, her hubby? Should I mention Cliven Bundy FOX’s infamous free-stuff-wanting welfare rancher and "let me tell you about the negro" guy?

How about Pat Robertson or another very popular Republican who doesn’t have much to do these days, or say, Phil Robertson, the Duck Dynasty wacko? That would be special!

Might Rudy Giuliani be home, sitting in front of his mirror, dreaming and waiting for the phone to ring? Megalomania is a terrible disease.

In thinking about Rudy, I am reminded that he, like most Republicans, thinks that Vlad Putin would be a much better president than President Obama. Judging by Rudy’s statements on FOX, he worships the guy, so would it surprise any shrink that Rudy might long to play bottom to Vlad’s top?

Kim Davis? Now there’s a Republican icon if there ever was one, and, she just registered with the party and even held hands with The Pope, regretful as he may now be.

Perhaps, a world class Washington dominatrix could whip the House Republicans into shape. Who’s been a very naught boy?

Somewhere, under some rock, is the next Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. Lou Dobbs? Mullah Omar (who's reportedly under 6 feet of earth)? David Duke himself? Chuck Norris? Should we expect the second coming of Eric Cantor?

Damn. I wish Sam Kinison was still alive. He’d be perfect.



Maybe, they should all just bite the bullet and vote for Nancy Pelosi as a compromise candidate. She certainly has quite a bit of Republican in her, even if the current Republican party doesn’t recognize it. Oh wait. She doesn’t have a penis. Damn. Scratch that idea.