The "Giuliani Test": A Republican Primary Candidate Questionnaire (Plus: Rand says he's in!)

Rand Paul strips the contest to bare essentials

And then there were two: Today Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul followed Texas Sen. Rafael "Ted from Alberta" Cruz as the second announced "major" candidate for the GOP presidential nomination. (Says Politico: "Rand Paul launches 2016 bid with attack on GOP." Says the Borowitz Report: "Rand Paul Joins Crowded Field of People Who Will Never Be President.")

by Noah

Since it's that time again, and all sorts of totally unbalanced insufferable Republican weirdos are crawling out of their dark corners to vie for the title of candidate of their party for various positions, I thought there must be a way to eliminate at least some of the months and months of tedious drawn-out craziness that republican primaries, from the local office primaries on up to the presidential primary, brings us with each election cycle.

As an example, Rudy Giuliani, who likes to market himself, with the aid of his corporate media accomplices, as "America's Mayor," recently reminded us all of just how out to lunch republicans are with his utterly insane comments about President Obama not loving him, us, and our country. FOX "News," of course, treated his blithering crackpot pronouncements as pure gold and managed to feature him on seemingly every show they have.

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

Giuliani is far from alone. Hardly a day goes by when some republican, somewhere, doesn't reveal his or her total insanity ("Rep. Glenn Grothman urges constituents to keep an eye out for poor people at grocery stores"). In Rudy's case, why anyone would put him on camera and place a microphone in front of him is way beyond me or any other rational human being. One might as well go to the local asylum and put a microphone in front of the most unfortunate inmates.

So, being an upbeat and positive guy, I'm offering a solution that could save everybody an awful lot of time, money, cringing, and effort by reducing the upcoming primary season to a kind of SAT test. After all, lots of people talk about getting the money out of politics, and primary seasons just drag on and on, no matter how much republicans try to make them so damn entertaining.

A simple SAT-style multiple-choice test that addresses issues important to republican voters could at least separate some of the mold-infested "wheat" from the chaff.

For example, if there are seven little repugs wanting to vie for a particular office, they could all first take my test. Most of the answers aren't wrong, in republikook eyes, but some answers are better than others. Each possible answer would be assigned a top-secret number value by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, using the republican belief system as a guide. The "best" (most insane) possible answer of four choices gets the highest number; the worst choice gets the lowest. The potential candidate with the highest total score gets to move on with his or her candidacy.

Thus, republican voters and party leaders can be confident that their candidates have been tested and found to be the most irrational crackpots available. The other candidates have to step aside and spare us all their brand of incessant blithering madness, in favor of candidates who demonstrate that they are better-equipped to show the world the essence of being a republican. Party leadership will thereby achieve their obvious goal of preventing that one-in-a-million sane republican from ever getting nominated for any office.


REST ASSURED, WE'LL STILL HAVE PLENTY OF THE CRAZY

But in a better world it will be coming to us from far fewer people. Why have seven or eight potential candidates spouting off every damn day when just one (or at most two, in case of a tie on the test) will do? Hell, Rafael "Ted" Cruz has already announced. So has Rand Paul, just this afternoon. And some goon from Florida named Rubio is threatening to announce its candidacy at any moment. There's also the expected entrance of the latest villain from the shameless Bush Crime Family. Oh, joy!

Three of the above-mentioned crackpots recently came out in support of Indiana Gov. Mike Pence when he proudly signed his pro-discrimination law into being. Until Pence's law exploded in his face, he too fancied himself as "presidential material." Rand Paul, however, kept ominously silent. If would-be candidates all had to take The Test, silence or failing to answer would lower their score. How could republican voters tell if their favorite was truly as crazy as they are?

Isn't this test a cheaper, quicker way to get through this? Just these few simple questions, or at least questions that are simple for normal people, could eliminate hours of debate, TV interviews, insane crackpot pronouncements, and bizarre TV commercials. There will still be money spent on the final candidate choices, but it will be less. I'm sure even Sheldon Adelson and the Koch brothers would like that!

The official name of The Test will, henceforward, be the "Giuliani Test."

NON-CRACKPOT ALERT! Scattered among the certifiably crazy answers are some that could be chosen by a sane person. Any prospective candidate who chooses one of these answers and is caught at it may be subject to automatic disqualification.

LET US BEGIN!

Remember, whichever republican lunatic out there -- and I mean out there -- gets the highest score ascends (descends) to the position of candidate.

1. The current president, whose name must not be spoken except when denigrating "Obamacare," hails from --
(a) Kenya.
(b) Indonesia.
(c) a previously unknown foreign country named Hawaii.
(d) Alpha Centauri.

2. Our Earth revolves around --
(a) the Moon.
(b) Jesus, the son of God.
(c) the Sun.
(d) This is a trick question -- we all know the Sun revolves around the Earth.

3. Do you believe in evolution?
(a) Yes.
(b) No.
(c) The concept of evolution is not settled law.
(d) The concept of evolution is not settled science and anyways I'm not a scientist.

4. "The current president loves his country." Comment.
(a) Absolutely not!
(b) No! And he doesn't love me either!
(c) He is incapable of love because he is a robot built by mad Iranian scientists.
(d) Yes, but "his country" is Kenya.

5. Complete the following sentence: "A woman has a right to choose --"
(a) which cookies to bake.
(b) what to make for dinner.
(c) what to wear.
(d) whether or not to have sex with me when I demand it at unlicensed gunpoint.

6. This country has always been --
(a) a Christian nation.
(b) a nation built by and only for Christians.
(c) a nation that offers freedom of religion, including the right to not believe.
(d) a nation that welcomes people of all faiths as long as they are willing to convert in order to please Bill O'Reilly, Pat Robertson, and any number of other useless stale old farts who drag our society down to the depths of Hell.

7. Gay people --
(a) must never "act gay" in my glorious God-anointed presence.
(b) must never "dress gay" in my glorious God-anointed presence.
(c) should stop with the Lindsay Graham imitations, already!
(d) must undergo conversion "therapy" and hormone shots once I am elected by God and Corporate America.

8. Rather than offer health care, we should adopt a policy of --
(a) medical care for only the privileged few who can afford it.
(b) "Let 'em die!"
(c) die and die quickly! Die and die again!
(d) continuing to close clinics where most women in this country get breast and uterine cancer screenings.

9. The Bible --
(a) is the literal word of God.
(b) says homosexuality is an abomination.
(c) is full of contradictions that can be twisted to fit whatever perverted notions I have that suit my purposes in the pursuit of power over the masses.
(d) should be the only book offered by the Book of the Month Club.

10. Unions are --
(a) one of the key things that built our middle class.
(b) great ways to raise pension funds that I can steal once I am elected. Then I can act like a Midwestern governor and either use the money to balance my budget or kick it back to my corporate masters who supported my campaign.
(c) doorways to Communism!
(d) the spawn of Satan!

11. Those who live in urban areas --
(a) are crackheads.
(b) act "strange."
(c) are naturally and provably inferior, except on the basketball court.
(d) are "nontraditional" people.

12. Racism --
(a) no longer exists in America.
(b) no longer exists in America.
(c) no longer exists in America.
(d) is a choice.

13. The right to vote should be available only to --
(a) old white men who own property, just like the original Constitution said.
(b) old white men, and women.
(c) old white Christians.
(d) old white Christian men and maybe some women of economic means.

14. If a woman wants equal pay for equal work, she should --
(a) bring home-baked cookies to work every day.
(b) dress like Nancy Reagan.
(c) dance around a pole in my office before, during and after work, preferably while dressed like Nancy Reagan.
(d) grow a penis.

15. Education --
(a) can be the key to a bright future.
(b) is for suckers!
(c) leads to "strange" and "nontraditional" ideas and values.
(d) is the playground of liberal communist devil-worshipping professors.

16. The current president, whose name must not be spoken except when denigrating "Obamacare" --
(a) is a "subhuman mongrel."
(b) a secret Muslim Marxist with a "deep-seated" racism toward white people.
(c) seeded the clouds of Superstorm Sandy in order to get reelected.
(d) All of the above!

17. The environment --
(a) is a sacred trust that we should protect for future Americans.
(b) is a sacred trust that we should protect for future Americans but nobody else.
(c) doesn't matter one bit because the End Times are coming soon, praise Jesus!
(d) will kill us all if we continue to poison it.

18. Tucker Carlson --
(a) is exactly what I would want my son to be.
(b) sure knows what he's talking about.
(c) should create a very high-priced and exclusive line of bowties.
(d) dances around poles dressed as Nancy Reagan.

19. Climate change --
(a) does not exist as long as Big Oil continues to give me "campaign contributions."
(b) does not exist as long as I cover my eyes and ignore it.
(c) is a scam invented by "scientists" in order to get socialist grants from the big, bad government.
(d) is only caused by farting cattle and nasty bad, bad trees that spew methane.

20. Raising the minimum wage --
(a) is socialism!
(b) will enslave us all!
(c) sets a bad example for the rest of the world.
(d) has proved to benefit our nation's economy every time we have done it in our history.

21. Immigration is --
(a) a way to bring terrorists to America.
(b) a way to bring disease to America.
(c) a scary invasion of brownish people with calves the size of cantaloupes.          
(d) what built America.

22. Rape is --
(a) just another form of insemination.
(b) so hard to define and rarely "legitimate."
(c) a "coveted status."
(d) When two people love each other…

23. The current president, whose name must not be spoken except when denigrating "Obamacare" --
(a) was influenced by Communism as a child.
(b) is deliberately destroying America.
(c) is secretly gay and married to a man. (I know because I read it on World Net Daily.)
(d) is no Ronald Reagan.

24. Rudy Giuliani has, once again, established himself as --
(a) America's Mayor.
(b) a leading spokesman for the Republican Party and a hero to FOX News viewers everywhere.
(c) a pathetic, senile old drooling basket case, driven over the edge by his own megalomania.
(d) a candidate for repeated electroshock therapy followed by dunking in a tank of water on prime-time national television without the electroshock wires being unplugged and removed.

25. Regarding the Keystone XL Pipeline --
(a) Big Oil companies that contribute to my campaign have every right to seize land owned by private citizens.
(b) Construction of the pipeline will create thousands of jobs -- wink!
(c) Building the pipeline over the nation's largest freshwater aquifer is not a danger in any way, especially in a time of increasing drought.
(d) We need to ship that Canadian oil down to the Gulf of Mexico to finish the job BP started!

26. The U.S. Postal Service --
(a) is an engine of our economy.
(b) employs too many minorities.
(c) was invented by Benjamin Franklin but he loved "the French" and was a "scientist" so what does he know?
(d) needs to be privatized so that the delivery services that contributed to my campaign have less competition.

27. The free market --
(a) is the antidote to Communism, or Marxism, or something.
(b) allows Big Business to run wild and free!
(c) is a marvelous way to crush a small business.
(d) There ain't no free.

28. Which of the following best defines Africa?
(a) It is a country.
(b) It is a country that I can see from my house.
(c) It is a continent -- the dark continent, if ya know what I'm sayin'.
(d) It is a country rife with ebola, where they make ebola and send it to America via ebola-infected latin-speaking Latino illegals. Did I mention ebola? Did I mention President Obola?

29. Gun control is fascism because --
(a) the Second Amendment forbids it.
(b) I have the right to have a home arsenal of Tomahawk missiles.
(c) if I drive an M1 tank, I can always get a parking space.
(d) the Newtown (CT) massacre was a hoax.

30. Rousseau's concept of the social contract is --
(a) the most hysterical idea I've ever heard of.
(b) way too French-sounding and socialistic for me.
(c) a special toilet paper for exclusive use by the 1%.
(d) All of the above!

31. A person can invoke their religious beliefs if --
(a) they are a pharmacist and a customer wants a prescription filled.
(b) they are a local magistrate and a same-sex couple asks them to marry them.
(c) they run a deli counter and someone orders a sandwich combo they would not eat.
(d) Just do the damn job you were hired or elected to do!

32. Which organization is more dangerous to America: ISIS or the Girl Scouts?
(a) We can deal with ISIS militarily, but the Girl Scouts are far more subversive.
(b) The Girl Scouts are more un-American with their lesbian-abortion cookies -- the profits from cookie sales go to Planned Parenthood, and we know what goes on there!
(c) On the one hand, ISIS kidnaps girls and sells them as sex slaves, but the Girl Scouts promote prostitution.
(d) The Girl Scouts, or should I say Shrub Scouts, teach lesbianism to young, impressionable girls, and if we're not careful, they'll grow up to put a Communist in the White House! That is, if we don't already have one!

33. We would be better off if we elected another Ronald Reagan because --
(a) Ronald Reagan! Ronald Reagan! Ronald Reagan!
(b) Ronald Reagan raised taxes 11 times and still managed to achieve a huge increase in the federal deficit. That takes a special talent!
(c) while governor of California, Ronald Reagan signed the most liberal abortion bill in the United States into law. (Say what?!!??)
(d) Ronald Reagan was in favor of amnesty for illegal aliens.

34. I say I support Israel because --
(a) it might get me some votes.
(b) it doesn't get any hotter than an Israeli babe in uniform wielding an Uzi!
(c) once elected I want us to invade Iran and bring about the End Times!
(d) if Jesus doesn't return, I'll still make a fortune with my Halliburton stock that the great Dick Cheney told me to buy!

35. Vladimir Putin is the kind of man who --
(a) I will be if elected, or appointed by the Supreme Court and Wall Street.
(b) is to be envied for the way he does things.
(c) sure looks hot to us Repubicans when he goes shirtless -- a man's man who wears man pants and wrestles bears, just like Sarah Palin says!
(d) is who Rudy Giuliani, the entire staff of FOX, and all true Republicans dream about in that special way.




WELL, THERE YOU ARE!

A streamlined primary process for the republican party. The only remaining question is: Which republican candidate, for whatever office, will choose to announce his or her candidacy, live on FOX, at the Westboro Baptist Church, complete with a mission-accomplished-style "God Hates Fags" banner as a backdrop? It's just a matter of time.

What are you waiting for? Spread the word!

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