"Final notice"? "Last chance"? Worried about the FBI and Interpol raids your DVDs have been warning you about? What about the Twitter Cops?

"These Phone Cops play hardball!" exclaimed Dr. Johnny Fever, who knew what there was to fear from those hordes of (gasp) Phone Cops. Who's to say the Phone Cops of the '70s and '80s haven't been given way to Twitter Cops?

by Ken

For some reason I didn't just delete an e-mail I got the other day, instructing me, by name: "Complete your Twitter profile today!"

It was that exclamation point that got me -- an exclamation point, it should be noted, that wasn't present on the inside of the e-mail. Without the exclamation point, it's much easier to read as a mere exhortation, or an attempt at inspiration. By golly, friend, why don't you just roll up your sleeves and, you know, complete that dagnab Twitter profile today? There's no time like the present!" See, after "There's no time like the present," an exclamation point would have more of an inspirational and less of an intimidational tone.

Speaking of which, have you noticed the growin number of "final notices" and "last chance" warnings arriving in your e-mailbox? I'm getting them now from outfits it wouldn 't have occurred to me to pay any notice at all. It can't be some descendant of Mr. Potter, the evil banker in It's a Wonderful Life, threatening to put me out of house and home for failing to make my mortgage payments, because I don't have a mortgage, but I have other things, and these Mr. Potter wannabes sound like they mean business with their final notices.

To get back to Twitter, you don't suppose they have their own, like, enforcement division, do you? Like maybe Twitter Cops, modeled on the Phone Cops whose existence was made known by Dr. Johnny Fever on WKRP in Cincinnati? And we all know that if it isn't true, they're not allowed to say it on TV.

Imagine that some no-account Twitter-account-holder -- maybe an perpetual dawdler, maybe some subversive who imagines he has "issues" with Twitter --has been issued a final notice to if-he-knows-what's-good-for-him complete his damned Twitter account! Should he be cowering in his own personal home wondering if the Boss at Twitter has sent out a goon squad of Twitter Cops?

As if I weren't already losing enough sleep after every time I watch a video, wondering whether I should have snacks ready for the inevitable FBI, or maybe Interpol, knock on the door, or maybe bashing in of the door. You don't suppose the Twitter Cops could do that, do you? I mean, bash in your door in a case of finally noticed delinquent account completion?

You'd think that maybe the prudent thing to do would be to just go ahead and complete the damned Twitter account. But then you think, isn't that just what they want, the bastards? Maybe I could just tell them that I never use the infernal Twitter account. But who saysthe Twitter Cops have a whole other unit whose job it is to deal with Twitter Deniers?

Meanwhile, in case the goon squad at the NYT is wondering, I didn't "miss" that "last chance" at your spine-tingling limited-time offer on your precious digital content. I just didn't take the offer. It's not the same thing. I might turn this around and ask youse guyz why, if that was my "last chance" offer, you're offering me the offer again -- for, of course, a limited time. Can you answer me that?

No, eh? Somehow I didn't think so.

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