Direct from Zhongshan: In which I enter the Video Import Business, without even knowing it

Wouldn't you guess Zhongshan is lovely this time of year? I hope if when my DVDs arrive, they have not only nice pictures from home but maybe some amusing stories.

by Ken

We all know how Jerry Seinfeld and in particular his friend George Costanza lurked on the fringes of the import-export business. Little did I imagine that one day I would find myself too on the periphery of this noble calling. If When I actually get my stuff, I think I will qualify more or less officially as a video importer.

Which brings us to the picturesque Chinese metropolis depicted above. Ah, Zhongshan, Zhongshan! It must be lovely this time of year! Or anyways back around the 20th of June, when my DVDs were despatched from the famous Sorting Center.

As of close of business today, my Mary Tyler Moore Show DVDs are apparently still hanging out at the 10005 Delivery Office where they checked in bright and early Monday morning at 6:56. I figure they've spent the week doing the town -- maybe catching a few shows (I hear good things about that Bullets Over Broadway), seeing the sights, trying out some of Zagat's higher-rated eateries. What would be hilarious is if they've sent a postcard saying, "Wish you were here."

And Guangzhou! Don't get me started on Guangzhou! Why, I remember when we used to call it Canton, and ate the crispy noodles that supposedly came from there right out of cans!

Okay, I haven't actually been to either Zhongshan or Guangzhou. But my alleged box of the complete seven seasons of The Mary Tyler Moore Show on DVD has been to both places, as you can see. And as I've checked in occasionally on its journey on a slow boat from China, I have to hope it's been taking lots of pictures of the exciting trip. After all, it seems most unlikely I'll ever make the trip myself.

I'm just hoping that when it arrives (note that I say "when it arrives," not "if"), it won't have Mary and Rhoda and Lou and the rest of the gang talking to one another in Chinese, or some third-party tongue. True, Phyllis might actually make more sense that way, and Ted -- well, it's hard to imagine Ted making much sense in any language. For that matter, I'm kind of hoping that my MTMS DVDs, when they arrive (see note above), won't turn out to be bootlegs of off-the-air tapings made on some Chinese VCR from the time of Confucius.

Okay, we all occasionally do, how shall I put this?, not-the-absolutely-smartest things. But this one, I'd like to say, wasn't my fault, or not entirely. Heck, I wasn't even being greedy, since even with the website-touted free shipping, the seven-season box was going to cost me more than it would have cost to just order the seven individual-season boxes from a retailer like Amazon. I think that would still have been true even after adding the currency-conversion fee, but then, that didn't enter into consideration at the time, because I didn't know about the currency-conversion fee.

In fact, the tidings I got about the likely currency-conversion fee came after I placed the order, in an e-mail in which the vendor explained that the currency-conversion fee would be charged by somebody else, not them, that I would be paying just the price indicated in my original order invoice. Plus the currency-conversion fee, charged by somebody else -- the currency converter, I guess.

The currency-conversion fee came as a special surprise to me, because nothing about the process of ordering the set had given me occasion to imagine that any currencies stood to be converted in the process. Somewhere in here came the first mention I had encountered anywhere to "China" -- yes, the People's Republic, that China. So when I got word from the vendor that the order had been successfully accepted, and I looked online at my credit-card account, I was almost relieved to find that the fee in question was a mere $2.99. (Eventually I went back to the website and looked everywhere I could think of for any indication that China came into this transaction at all, and I came up empty. More about this later.)

Okay, so I wasn't really bargain-shopping when I placed the order. I had scoured the website's TV offerings, and found my pulse racing over some of the things I saw there: all seven seasons of Mad About You, when we all know that Seasons 6 and 7 still haven't made it to DVD (of course, Season 7 sucked, and my recollection is that Season 6 was already running sharply downhill; all three seasons of Evening Shade, when as far as I know, only Season 1 has made it to DVD (again, though, Season 1 was the really magical one; after that, as often happens with shows "on the bubble" for renewal, everything that was quirky and endearingly personal was jettisoned in favor of everything that was clichéd and obnoxious); oh, and all sorts of other stuff -- I don't really want to be too specific, because I don't want to be responsible for leading anyone to the site before I've actually received merchandise from it. But really, there's so much stuff, so many complete series, many of them thankfully of little interest to me. Still, that left, well, so much stuff.

How was this possible? I read the on-site explanation, in an FAQ question:

Many of these shows have never been released on DVD. How do you have them?

We have many Limited Edition DVD Box Sets that the 'big guys' overlook or are simply not interested in selling. The entire purpose of our website is to provide otherwise unavailable films or television shows to the serious collector.

Okay, well, that sounds reasonable, right? Or at least possible? Maybe a person isn't entirely reasonable while in the clutch of greedy-acquisition mania. Plus, the website contains dozens of claims and reminders about its peerless, undying devotion to satisfying customers, and this is the Internet, after all -- they can't say it if it isn't true, right?

I was smart enough, despite my racing pulse, to narrow my greedy acquisitive nature to a single item as a test, and among the possibilities, MTMS seemed the obvious choice -- both because it's for me one of the most important shows in TV history and because, which I have a bunch of Columbia House VHS tapes containing a certain number of episodes, I didn't have any of it on DVD. And then there was the fact that it was a "Limited Edition DVD Box Set"!

Hey, anybody could order the seven individual MTMS seasons from Amazon or anyone else, but the box -- ah, the box! Who knew what additional treasures the box might contain? In reality, of course, there was no reason to believe that "the box" is anything more than a slipcase thrown around the seven individual-season sets. And that was before I had any glimmering that China was involved in the deal.

Again, I've gone back and scoured the website as thoroughly as I could, and still had no glimmering that I was dealing with people across a giant-size ocean. Here's another FAQ Q-and-A:

Do you Ship outside of the USA?

Absolutely. We currently ship all DVD Collections to the USA, Canada, United Kingdom, Europe, Australia & New Zealand.

Well, good deal, I thought, pleased with myself for being so happy about this unexpected boon for non-American buyers. Sure, America Is Best, but shouldn't other people in the world be allowed some sort of access to such treasures?

Similarly, you'd think there might be a tip-off about the Chinese connection in this FAQ question:

Why does Regular Shipping take 2-4 Weeks?

Please keep in mind our Delivery and fulfillment time frames are quite standard and equal or beat most online retailers, shopping channel companies or infomercial providers. We believe that our inexpensive Standard Delivery (FREE for most orders) is a great value.

Of course, if you would like to receive your order sooner, and are willing to pay a little extra, Express Shipping is always an option for our USA, Canada, UK and Australia customers.

We appreciate your patience and understanding.

And who knows? My MTMS DVDs might still make it within the four-week-shipping time frame. (Note that I'm speaking here just about the shipping phase of the operation. I don't recall the exact date of order, but I received an "Order Successful" e-mail on May 18. So we're clearly no longer about the time from order to receipt, if any.) Already my lovelies have made it to the "Delivery Office" for my very own work zip code! And that wasn't even a week ago.

I'll keep you posted.

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