2013 in Review -- A Prayer to the Janitor of Lunacy,* Part 5: Everyone's a critic, including me

Some people really try my patience
(Bill-O, Howie Kurtz, E. W. Jackson, et al.)

[*TO MEET THE JANITOR OF LUNACY, SEE PART 1]



by Noah

What would any Quote of the Year contest be without one of the Republican Party's leading spokesweirdos, Bill O'Reilly? I think the most interesting question about this man is: Is he merely Archie Bunker with a TV show? Or is Roger Ailes broadcasting lunatic Republican propaganda from a remote insane asylum that's buried deep in a lead-shielded mountain somewhere. As the clip above shows, homophobia is not new turf for Bill-O.

This is a deeply disturbed man. Where must his head be to even think of this, let alone actually say it?

"Leahy, Leahy from Vermont. He wants gay illegal aliens. He wants gay illegals to bring their friends!"

He's ranting, fearfully, about Vermont Sen. Pat Leahy, and he sounds like he just awoke from a nightmare: gay illegals -- not just illegals but gay ones, and they're bringing in their gay friends! RUN!!!

I have no doubt that O'Reilly's attendants have to mop the sweat off his expansive bobblehead forehead during every commercial break. Gays everywhere!!! Is he peeing in his pants too? Hell, his chair probably sits above a drain in the floor of the studio.

This guy makes a pile of money saying such things nightly to his fearful, twitchy-nose, 80-year-old rodent audience -- a pile of money. But no amount of money can buy him time against reality or his ever-encroaching dementia. He is one with his audience. He is one with his angry, hate-stewed white-man party. The rest of us can only take comfort in knowing that 95 percent of his audience will be dead in 10 years. I try to be patient, but he is doing a lot of damage to society while we wait.

Just think how easy it would be to push this cretinous nutcase completely over the edge. Three busloads of gay Mexican disco-dancing mariachi bands in Mexican-flag hotpants and "VIVA LA WAR ON CHRISTMAS" muscle shirts, marching and dancing through his hospital suite in a conga line ought to do it, but I'd rather see it happen live some night right on TV during his show. We'd see foaming-at-the-mouth, purple-faced-screaming, crazed-eyed apoplexy. They'd have to put him down like a broken-down horse at the racetrack. That's a ticket I'd buy in a heartbeat, and I'd gladly forgo my senior discount for the cause.


RIGHT-WINGERS: NO SENSE OF IRONY,
OR JUST NO SENSE AT ALL?



OK, I've got Fox out of the way for today. (Not really, as you will see shortly.) Time to move on to the other Republican cable news outfit. Maybe they're not as wingnutty as Fox, but they're certainly working for the same master and goal. Many of you already know my feelings towards the Corporate "News" Network, aka CNN. Some call it Conservative News Network. Whichever. Same thing. I haven't watched the thing (to obtain true knowledge of world events, at least) since their blatant shilling for George W. Bush during the 2004 presidential campaign. I mean, Wolf Blitzer? I've seen more than enough brown-nosing assclowns during my own life in the corporate world. I don't need to turn on my TV to see him and the rest of the CNN crew kissing Washington's butt around the clock, with cloying, smarmy softball questioning that goes nowhere and gains us nothing.

Back in May, CNN managed to top even itself, this time with heaps of irony as Howard Kurtz, whom CNN at the time called their in-house media critic, went on his own show, the absurdly named Reliable Sources, to apologize to his readers, his viewers, and professional basketball player Jason Collins, who had recently come out. Collins was the first active player in any of the four major professional sports leagues in America to come out. He did so in an interview in Sports Illustrated.

I didn't set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport, but, since I am, I'm happy to start the conversation. . . . I wish I wasn't the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, "I'm different." If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I'm raising my hand.

No one wants to live in fear. I've always been scared of saying the wrong thing. I don't sleep well. I never have. But each time I tell another person, I feel stronger and sleep a little more soundly. It takes an enormous amount of energy to guard such a big secret. I've endured years of misery and gone to enormous lengths to live a lie. I was certain that my world would fall apart if anyone knew, and yet, when I acknowledged my sexuality, I felt whole for the first time. I still had the same sense of humor. I still had the same mannerisms and my friends still had my back.

Could a man be any more heartfelt and honest? And yet Howard Kurtz pounced. In his column in The Daily Beast, Kurtz got a whole lot wrong about the Collins story -- misinformation that unjustly cast a cloud on Collins' character. Among other things, Kurtz stated in the column that Collins had not mentioned a previous engagement to a woman in his coming-out interview in Sports Illustrated. For those of us who can read, however, there it was, right in the beginning of SI's feature. Facts be damned! There's a smear agenda to push!

The upshot was that Kurtz was fired by The Daily Beast. To his credit, he did go on his CNN show after the fact and put on the hair shirt, admitting his insensitivity and his "sloppy and inexcusable" errors. In other words, busted.

I apologize to readers, to viewers and, most importantly, to Jason Collins and his fiancé. I hope this very candid response can help me earn back your trust over time.

Hmmm, "over time." This is CNN we're talking about. Do we mean geological time? Well, none of us live that long. If you have a show called Reliable Sources, you might start by changing the name. Until you do, calling your show Reliable Sources is just sloganeering -- something akin to Fox saying they are "fair and balanced." Had Kurtz been on Fox at the time, his colleagues would no doubt have decried his firing by The Daily Beast. It doesn't take much to imagine the demented Palins or Hannitys bleating out "free speech, free speech." Instead, Fox simply saw one of their own kind and hired him away from CNN. It's not the first time Fox has used CNN as a farm team.


VIRGINIA IS FOR HATERS



During his campaign for Virginia lieutenant governor this year, Republican candidate E. W. Jackson compared Planned Parenthood to the KKK.

Planned Parenthood has been far more lethal to black lives than the KKK ever was, and the Democrat Party and their black civil rights allies are partners in this genocide.

Well, all righty then. The same lunatic also:

• once said that President Obama "sees the world through a Muslim perspective"
• believes that yoga will leave you vulnerable to Satan
• and finds civil rights for gay people to be "icky"

Oh, and homosexuality leads to pedophilia. I can't wait to here what this nutball thinks of rape. Given his party affiliation and his other statements, I think we know. All those cancer screenings that Planned Parenthood provided -- who needs them? Let 'em die, indeed!

I'm old enough to remember that before Reagan people like Jackson were cared for in institutions. Now they get radio shows and nominations from the Republican Party. That Reagan dude sure had him some vision! He foresaw a shortage of future Republican candidates. "What to do? What to do?" he said. "I know! We'll cut funding for mental institutions -- close the doors and let the crazies out into the public! Problem solved! The ones we don't run for office can just sit home and become Fox devotees, if not on-air talent!"

But wait, that's not all! Just in case you don't believe that Republicans are completely insane, there's this: Virginia Republicans proudly announced, on June 13th, that their new state-party black-outreach director would be a man named Joe Ellison, a man who just happens to believe that voodoo causes earthquakes! No wonder they keep saying that all beliefs are valid. What's next? I can tell you this much: If voodoo really worked, I'd have a house full of Republican voodoo dolls and a whole lotta pins.

Epilogue: In November, Jackson got 44.54 percent of the vote

This means that nearly a million Virginia Republicans bought into Jackson's utter lunacy, despite the fact that he is an African-American. It musta been a very hard decision for Republicans to make. It just goes to show that, if a man believes that yoga makes you vulnerable to Satan and civil rights for gays is "icky" and all the rest, then skin tone doesn't always matter to Republicans. Perhaps we can point to this as progress in Virginia. The state has apparently moved from "whites only" to "whites preferred."

Fortunately, Jackson's Democratic opponent, State Sen. Ralph Northam, pulled in 1.2 million votes. Still, in a world without lunacy, would it have been that close?


TODAY'S "QUOTE OF THE YEAR" NOMINEES

1. Sen. Rand Paul (KKK-KY) discusses misinformation as a form of cheating in med school


"I never ever cheated. I don't condone cheating. But I would sometimes spread misinformation. This is a great tactic. Misinformation can be very important. . . . So that's my advice. Misinformation works."

That, folks, is why Rand Paul is a Republican Party natural and a darling of Republican pundits too.

2. Sandy Rios, American Family Association radio host, vies for the "Hostess with the Leastest Integrity" title

Sandy went a long way toward establishing her claim by using September's tragic Kenyan mall massacre as an opportunity to attack President Obama by going once-more-unto-the-breach of birther psychosis. She covered several of the points that Republicans love to blather about -- e.g.," Muslim," "Communist," "born in Kenya." And notice how she dwells on President Obama's "Kenyan lineage without mentioning the white half. Nope. All that matters to Republicans is the black half.


"The implications of this are pretty frightening, and of course it's interesting that this is the country from which our president hails. This is his lineage. We know his cousin Raila Odinga is a Muslim communist. It's just amazing. I think he's the prime minister right now."

Well, Miss Sandy, it's amazing when you think at all. Perhaps Obamacare can get you the care or at least medications that you need -- and at a lower price!

3. Barbara Bush -- old battleaxe, Marge Simpson look-alike, and mother of much evil spawn


"We've had enough Bushes."

Well said! We certainly have. We still don't know if our country will recover from the disaster that was George Dubya. If America votes for another Bush, it will be proof that our country has a death wish, and China will rejoice.

4. John Stossel, World Champion Assclown

Here he is in his natural habitat, Fox and Friends, discussing why government benefits just aren't needed.


"Think about the Depression. That was before there was any welfare state at all. How many people starved? No one."

I love how Steve Doocy responds, "Good point," and the other geniuses nod in agreement. Now that's great television! Like I've said, watching Fox is like peeping in on an insane asylum.

5. Dave Carney, top adviser to Texas Attorney General Gregg Abbott, who is the Republican candidate to succeed Rick "1-2-?" Perry as governor of our biggest Loon State

Cheering the results of Colorado's recall elections, Carney twitted out:



This, mind you, came from the man who ran Rick Perry's campaigns from 1998 to 2012. Truly, this man knows intelligence when he sees it, no?

6. Megyn KKKelly, Fox's new Hannity

"Santa is just white...Jesus was a white man too."

Why is it so important, even crucial to Republicans, that Santa and Jesus be white? Jon Stewart, as usual, puts it all in proper perspective.

NOAH'S 2013 IN REVIEW --
A PRAYER TO THE JANITOR OF LUNACY*

Part 1: Take a bow, Repugs! (*including Nico's "Janitor of Lunacy") [Monday]

Part 2: Remember when Reagan cut funds for insane asylums? (Storms, guns, bombs, free stuff, and the secret gay life of Obma: Some top Republican lies of 2013) [Tuesday]

Part 3: No Cruz control (Rafael "Ted" Cruz in his own words) [Wednesday]

Part 4: A great anniversary approaches! (Nixon's resignation) (plus more "Quote of the Year" nominees) [Thursday]

Part 5: Everyone's a critic, including me -- Some people really try my patience (Bill-O, Howie Kurtz, E. W. Jackson, et al.) [Friday]

Part 6 (and last): In the words of Dan Quayle, "What a waste it is to lose one's mind" (Exploiting tragedy for a buck; Miss America's not American?; "Quote of the Year" winner) [Saturday]

And don't forget Noah's recent --
"Need a last-minute Christmas gift suggestion?" [12/22]
"50 Years Ago Today: The Beatles" [12/26]
"A Tale of Two Popes -- the one in the Vatican and the one in North Carolina" [12/27]

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