2013 in Review -- A Prayer to the Janitor of Lunacy,* Part 3: No Cruz Control

[*TO MEET THE JANITOR OF LUNACY, SEE PART 1]



Can you tell when this fellow is fibbing? Rafael "Ted" Cruz pretends that the government shutdown wasn't his doing! (And oh yes, he's got a coloring book!)

by Noah

Republicans, with the help of their vast assortment of cloying, butt-kissing media allies, keep pushing the envelope. America accepted George W. Bush. The media loved him. He was from Texas. He was President Assclown.

So what does the Crackpot Party do next? They huddle up and ask themselves, "What else do we have down in Texas that we can try to push on the American people?" Before you can say the magic words "Ronald Reagan," there they go trotting out Gov. Rick "1- 2-?" Perry and $en. Rafael "Ted" Cruz.

OK, technically, Cruz is not from Texas. He was sired by a Cuban father and born in Canada.  Knowing that, you might well ask why the nutballs who say President Obama isn't legit because he wasn't born here (even though he was) aren't making a big deal about the birth certificate of Rafael "Ted" Cruz. It all works with my envelope theory. Republicans are thinking: "Obama wasn't born here, so Cruz being born in Canada? No problem!"



It's all probably moot anyway, because both men had American mothers and the Constitution isn't 100 percent clear on the issue of what defines the qualification for president of having to be a "natural born citizen." I'm sure that, at some point, a Democratic candidate, especially a nonwhite one, who was a test-tube baby, will have the Republikooks all in a tizzy, with Wolf Blitzer spending hour upon hour on the subject in his padded-cell situation room. Next up: Is a person who was Cesarean-born—?

RAFAEL "TED" CRUZ IN HIS OWN WORDS:
The Year's Top Quotes from Rafael "Ted" Cruz

1. "The moon might be as intimidating as Obamacare."



He finds the moon scary?

2. "I don't think there's been a day on this floor that I haven't worn my argument boots. . . . I am not in my argument boots, and I will confess, I really do feel embarrassed about that."

Folks, we now have a new medical term: referred embarrassment!

3. "I will credit my father, he invented . . . green eggs and ham. He did it two ways. The easy way was he would put green food coloring in. . . . But if you take spinach and mix it into the eggs, the eggs turn green. . . . I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam I am."

Does this one reflect an issue with Dad?

4. "I'll talk until I can't stand anymore. Don't worry, I have government-run health insurance."

Mocking those who don't have government-run health insurance, or at least lording it over them..

5. "Look, we saw, in Britain, Neville Chamberlain, who told the British people, 'Accept the Nazis. Yes, they'll dominate the continent of Europe, but that's not our problem. Let's appease them. Why? Because it can't be done. We can't possibly stand against them.' "

Here Rafael "Ted" was comparing Obamacare to the Nazis. Personally, I've always felt that it was President Obama that was often too much like the appeaser Chamberlain in his dealings with Republicans, always caving in to and appeasing them.

6. "Twenty years from now, if there is some obscure Trivial Pursuit question, I am confident I will be the answer."

The more obscure, the better.

7. "It is helpful for keeping one grounded."

Rafael "Ted" was talking about a huge painting that adorns his office. The painting shows Cruz delivering his first oral argument to the Supreme Court back when he was a law partner. The painting shows three courtroom artists in the act of depicting Cruz. That means that the painting features four separate images of Cruz. Four. "Grounded"! Megalomania, anyone?

By the way, Rafael "Ted" lost the case by a vote of 9 to 0. It takes some real ineptitude these days to lose a Supreme Court case 9 to 0.


THERE YOU HAVE THEM, A MAN AND HIS WORDS



He was not a stupid man. Far from it. Magna cum laude at Harvard Law. But something obviously went wrong along the way. Better not tell those teabaggers that he went to Princeton and Harvard. So, what was it? Did the mind just go snap-o one day? Did he work for George W. too long? Was it the environmental pollution in Texas? Lead poisoning? Is he just playing dumb, real dumb, for his base?

Just one more thing about "Ted." Suppose everyone decided to call themselves "Ted," either to distract from ethnicity or just because it became the trendy thing to do. In the old days, actors used to have stage names. Cary Grant was born Archibald Leach -- which, frankly, would be a great-sounding name for a politician. Here are some possibilities:

Barack "Ted" Obama
Darth "Ted" Vader
Neil "Ted" Cavuto
Greta "Ted" van Susteren
Vlad "Ted" the Impaler
Megyn "Ted" KKKelly
Captain James "T for Ted" Kirk
"Ted" Spock

Texans could also change names like Peggy Sue, Bobbie Sue, Jim Bob, etc. to Peggy Ted and so on. Rafael "Ted" may really have started something!




SOME MORE "QUOTE OF THE YEAR" NOMINEES --
SHUTDOWN EDITION

Lest you thought Rafael "Ted" Cruz, aka Senator Shutdown, was the only crazy in the Crackpot Party (fat chance of that!), here are some 2013 "Quote of the Year" nominees from the competition (shutdown version):

1. Wingnut radio host Rick Wiles


"Have you noticed that the only people being shut down or evicted are white Americans? I'm serious. . . . Please tell me how all those welfare people living in federally owned housing complexes are still there during the shutdown."

I often hear from wingnuts that accusing Republicans of being racist is unfair.

2. Rep. Steve Pearce (Nutbag-New Mexico)


"If you are a furloughed government employee, we encourage you to reach out to your financial institution as soon as you worry you may miss a paycheck. Financial institutions often offer short-term loans and other resources. Don't wait until you are behind on a bill; call now and explore your options."

Yeah, like maybe you can offer your house as collateral, if you own a house. Or maybe that nice friendly Jamie Dimon-wannabe at your local House pf Snidely Whiplash will take pity on you and give you a nice loan on "e-z terms." Really, what the hell planet do these Republican asswipes come from? Wherever it is, they sure don't know anything about living on this one.  Pearce happens to be one of the wealthiest members of Congress. Perhaps he could set up his own loan-sharking operation for his constituents -- if he hasn't already.

3. Ann "Ted" Coulter


"The shutdown was magnificent, run beautifully. I'm so proud of these Republicans, and that is because they have branded the Republican Party as the anti-Obamacare party."

Yep, Ms. Coultergeist, you sure can be proud of a bunch of nihilistic crackpots who inflicted a hit of $25 billion on our country's economy, but hey, that's the point, isn't it? You guys want to destroy the economy on Obama's watch. As I write this today, 1.3 million of my fellow citizens (not sure if they are yours) are being cut off from their emergency unemployment funds, and Washington is saying we can't afford it. That $25 billion would sure come in handy today. Nice work, a-holes.

NOAH'S 2013 IN REVIEW --
A PRAYER TO THE JANITOR OF LUNACY*

Part 1: Take a bow, Repugs! (*including Nico's "Janitor of Lunacy") [Monday]

Part 2: Remember when Reagan cut funds for insane asylums? (Storms, guns, bombs, free stuff, and the secret gay life of Obma: Some top Republican lies of 2013) [Tuesday]

Part 3: No Cruz control (Rafael "Ted" Cruz in his own words) [Wednesday]

Part 4: A great anniversary approaches! (Nixon's resignation) (plus more "Quote of the Year nominees") [Thursday]

Part 5: Everyone's a critic, including me -- Some people really try my patience (Bill-O, Howie Kurtz, E. W. Jackson, et al.) [Friday]

Part 6 (and last): In the words of Dan Quayle, "What a waste it is to lose one's mind" (Exploiting tragedy for a buck; Miss America's not American?; "Quote of the Year" winner) [Saturday]

And don't forget Noah's recent --
"Need a last-minute Christmas gift suggestion?" [12/22]
"50 Years Ago Today: The Beatles" [12/26]
"A Tale of Two Popes -- the one in the Vatican and the one in North Carolina" [12/27]

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