Need a last-minute Christmas gift suggestion?

by Noah

OK, Chanukah came a little early this year, but for those of you who feel that special joy of giving a gift for Christmas, here be this year’s prime suggestions. Special note: I am assuming that you have already graced all of your friends with last year's Jesus Grilled Cheese-maker or Jesus Toaster. If not, the Father, Son, and Holy Toast can easily be theirs, but here are some other great gift ideas!

1. The Bathe & Brew

What do you like to do first thing when you get up each glorious day? I mean after that. For me, it’s take some pills, do some exercises and sit in front of the computer for several hours. (How do you think I find these things anyway?) However, for most of you boring people, it’s either grab a cup of coffee or hit the shower. Now, you can do both at the same time! Take your shower while your coffee brews right in front of you! If you’re worried about soap getting in your coffee, please don’t. I’m sure someone somewhere makes a nice coffee bean soap. You can go through the whole day smelling like a cup o’ joe and everyone except Starbucks will love you.

Disclaimer: In reality, you just get the box (or do you?). It’s a wonderful empty gift box, perfectly designed to elicit forced smiles and phony Christmas cheer. You can keep it empty, or fill it with coal or diamonds -- your choice. Whatever, it's the thought that counts; same with gift suggestion #2. But hey, if you just give them empty, the contents are more real than anything you're liable to hear from any of your crackpot Fox-viewing relatives at your Christmas dinner table. So give it to them. They’ve already proven that a little imagination goes a very long way.


2. The NapSack Sleep Hood


The same guy, BaronBob, who will sell you the Bathe & Brew will also sell you this stroke of genius! As one who has had to suffer through decades of agonizing corporate bullcrap meetings run by delusional self-aggrandizing morons, I wish I had had one of these. I would carry it everywhere. If you look at the box and see the bored little boy pictured wearing a NapSack in church on the cover, that kid is me about 50 years ago.

For you Republicans, I’m sure you can get it in white and just cut a couple of eyeholes in it for your knight-riding voter-suppression evening wear.


3. Personalized Love Letter in a Bottle

This one's completely real, and nothing sez “I love you” like a preprinted note in a bottle sent to that special someone in your life. Even better, if you actually do toss it in the ocean, chances are about one in an oct-trillion cubed that the object of your desires will ever see it. To be fair, I note that the seller does offer the option of writing your own note. Swell. And damn if going to the beach doesn’t already mean you spend the day watching the tide roll in with a "fresh" supply of Poland Spring bottles and styro cups. Why not add to the clutter, with love?


4. The Breaking Bad Blue Snow Globe

Is this what Elvis meant when he sang “Blue Christmas"? Probably not. But it’s a fine tribute to the greatest TV show ever and makes a perfect gift for your fave Breaking Bad fan. Hell, everyone else wants some sort of Kindle or iPad thingie, but a nice snow globe is so much easier to operate and lets you use your own imagination. You can stare at it for hours, imagining yourself in that Winnebago, or maybe standing outside it collecting those beautiful blue crystals. You might even find yourself wondering if those little blue crystals might get you high. If so, chances are you were once the ten-year-old who liked to eat Play-Doh.


5. Jesus Adhesive Bandages

War on Christmas, my ass. Despite what curmudgeonly, babbling old crazy people like Bill O’Reilly say, lots of progressives believe in putting the Christ back in Christmas, or on your knee or wrists, or wherever you've managed to cut yourself, and here's the best way to do it. May I also suggest using a nice wine as an antiseptic before applying le bandage? It appears to me that Bill does, need for a bandage or not.

Please note that there are other variations on a theme with this gift. Bandages that look like bacon strips are probably my personal fave, but hey, it's Christmas. Go with Jesus!


Well, there you have it!

To this list I would only add the suggestion that if you have a friend in the suburbs who has a problem with deer (aka rodents with hooves) eating all the plants and dining at the bird feeder, you might want to think of a couple of cute and cuddly (for now) wolf puppies. Rudolph, beware!


Oh, there's one last thing --

This is what I want from Santa, even though my wife says we have no room! It’s my very own life-size seven-foot-tall multifunctional Robby the Robot. It’s a re-creation of the real Robby from the great movie Forbidden Planet, and it's made with all of the original molds and everything. Hopefully, it will do my bidding. It's available from Hammacher Schlemmer for a mere $32,000. It doesn't come with the car, though.

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