Bye-bye, Justice Nino -- write if you get work

Oh no, does this mean the end for the Supreme Court's Sundance and Butch, Justices Clarence and Nino? Sure, they're just good friends, and it's not as if they were about to get married or anything -- were they? But still, High Court Constitution-shredding just won't be the same without them doing the heavy lifting together.

by Ken

The New Yorker's Andy Borowitz (gosh, that sounds odd, doesn't it?) has been keeping close tabs on Supreme Court Justice Nino Scalia during this trying week. (See his report earlier this week, "Scalia Furious He Has to Hear About Gay Couples All Week.") So it was hardly suprising this afternoon when he was the one to break this surprising news:

Bitter Scalia Leaves U.S.

Posted by Andy Borowitz
March 28, 2013

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- Justice Antonin Scalia dropped a bombshell on the Supreme Court today, announcing his decision to resign from the Court "effective immediately" and leave the United States forever.

Calling this week "by far the worst week of my life," Justice Scalia lashed out at his fellow-Justices and the nation, saying, "I don't want to live in a sick, sick country that thinks the way this country apparently thinks."

Justice Scalia said that he had considered fleeing to Canada, "but they not only have gay marriage but also national health care, which is almost as evil."

He said the fact that nations around the world recognizing same-sex marriage are "falling like deviant dominoes" would not deter him from leaving the United States: "There are plenty of other countries that still feel the way I do. I'll move to Iran if I have to."

Throwing off his robe in a dramatic gesture, Justice Scalia reserved his harshest parting shot for his fellow-Justices, screaming, "Damn you! Damn each and every one of you to hell! You call yourself judges? That's a good one. You're nothing but animals!"

Breathing heavily after his tirade, he turned to Justice Clarence Thomas and said, "Except you, Clarence. Are you coming with me?"

Justice Thomas said nothing in reply.

Ah yes, Justice Clarence at his most eloquent, saying what he says best, nothing.

Now as we all know, everything that's printed on the Internet is true, and so if Justice Nino doesn't have his things all packed, I trust some packers are being sent over to his place from the Supreme Court shipping department with lots of cartons, for shipment to wherever the hell he's decided he's going, by whatever conveyance he's chosen to get there.

Iran certainly works for me. Why, our Nino would fit right in as an ayatollah. Isn't that what he's been in all but name for decades now? (I'd love to be able to confirm those reports that many of the most backward, authoritarian of the Iranian ayatollahs have Justice Nino's picture over their breakfast tables. If I had Photoshop skills, I'd love to plaster an ayatollah-worthy beard on Nino and slap him into a jumbo-size ayatollah outfit.) Grand Ayatollah Khamenei better watch out. That looks like the kind of job that would appeal to Nino -- where your word is final, and people who say "boo" can be, you know, dealt with.

We'll sure miss you, Nino. But first, you have to get the hell out. Bye-bye! As Bob and Ray used to say, "Write if you get work."

Bob Engelhart, Hartford Courant (click to enlarge)

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