Let's see, if you really want the bacon caramel popcorn, you could buy the Mexican-nuns'-style caramel from Vermont and --

You'll want to get cracking on the caramel if you're going to have it in time for our attempt at the bacon caramel popcorn. (Maybe Fat Toad Farm does expedited shipping?)

by Ken

You know the old saying about how when life gives you lemons, you . . . uh . . . you make authentic Mexican-style caramel? Like they make it in Vermont?

Okay, maybe that's probably not it, but just now we're in need of something caramelly. I thought I was home free when I saw the subject heading of today's Open Sky e-mail: "Bacon Caramel Popcorn + Cutting Boards the Pros Use." So naturally I had to see for myself. I've already made fun of OpenSky -- an online merchandise site that seems to have chosen the name "Open Sky" over such monikers as "Crap 'n' Stuff" or "Fancypants Junk You Don't Need" -- but I don't see why there should be a one-per-customer limit to poking fun at it, and I figured the bacon caramel popcorn was a surefire winner.

The only problem was that I couldn't, indeed can't, find the goddamn bacon caramel popcorn. Oh, I found the Cutting Boards the Pros Use. At least I think these are the Cutting Boards the Pros Use:


The e-mail does specify the John Boos Deluxe Barbecue Cutting Board, and this is the link for it, and it does appear to be the John Boos Deluxe Barbecue Butting Board, recommended by Michael Ruhlman ("This Boos board does something more -- it captures the juices that spill from the meat. Juices you won't want to lose"), sale price $79, 20% off retail. The only reason I'm not so sure is that the e-mail says, in red,

Sale ends at 11:59PM EST
TONIGHT 3/17

Whereas the onsite to which the link directs us says, "Sale ends in 2 days." And OpenSky "members" do seem to like their cutting boards. You remember those honkers Bobby Flay was flogging, and I did notice while I was searching frantically around the Open Sky site for the bacon caramel popcorn and went into "browse" mode that some cutting board once fronted by Ming Tsai has sold out. So just in case you fancy Michael Ruhlman's juice-catching cutting board, remember it's possible that the sale ends tonight (Saturday) "at 11:59PM EST" -- which would be 10:59PM EDT, wouldn't it? Boy, you wouldn't think they'd make it so hard for you to buy the thing, would you?

Here, by the way, is why Michael R thinks you should want one of these puppies:

We don't usually think of cutting boards as tools but they are. And like all tools, some boards are better than others. More cooks than not work on boards that are too small and make cutting -- one of the primary acts of cooking -- more difficult than it needs to be. Using a tiny cutting board is like trying to do calisthenics in a closet.

You also need a thick heavy one that won’t slide around on you (a trick cooks use in the restaurant kitchen is to put a damp towel, even paper towel, underneath it to keep it from sliding).

This Boos board is heavy and big, but also does something more -- it captures the juices that spill from the meat when you carve it so that one, they don't fall off the board and onto the counter and floor and two, so that you can use them on the meat you're cutting instead of losing them.

All juices can be poured back over the meat. I like to add the juices from a roasted chicken back into the roasting pan as part of a chicken jus.

This is another one of those products I'd be seriously bummed not to have when I needed it.

Now isn't that one swell tip about pouring the juices back into the roasting pan? Bet you never thought of that one!

NOW ABOUT THAT BACON CARAMEL POPCORN

Disclosure: This is just regular caramel popcorn. I have actually found my missing Photoshop Elements package, and if I ever actually install it and learn how to use it I can probably Photoshop in some bacon bits or something, but for now this is the best I can do.

Now we set out this evening in search of caramel bacon, and I don't see any reason why we shouldn't have some. I think we can work this out ourselves, especially since I did find an OpenSky listing for this Fat Toad Farm goat's-milk caramel being pushed by Mexican-cuisine guru Rick Bayless, who says in the shortened blurb version:

Cajeta is an amber goat's milk caramel that local nuns perfected after Spain brought sugar to a conquered Mexico in the 16th century. And it's very different than the sugary caramel sauces you're used to. This is made with dairy so it's creamy instead of saccharine sweet.

(I think what Rick means is "different from," but never mind. If we're not going to puzzle out Michael Ruhlman's sentences, why should we quibble about this?)

Okay, so you've ordered your Mexican-style caramel from Vermont. Now let's get cracking on that bacon caramel popcorn.

You've probably got bacon in the refrigerator, and you'll need popcorn, of course, but surely you've got that covered. If you're of hardy pioneer stock you probably pop your own from regular popcorn kernels, you know, in a pot with some oil -- just like our pioneer forefathers did. Or maybe you've got one of those fancy air poppers? Or failing all of that, you can do it the way the rest of us popcorn poppers do, in the microwave. I'm kind of partial to Newman's Own myself, at least when it's on sale. But my mother, for one, didn't think it was anything special, and probably you've already got your own favorite(s).

So you pop up your popcorn. Oh wait, first you probably need to get the bacon going. I'm assuming I don't have to tell you how to do that. I don't know, are there directions on the average bacon package? Of course you could be one of those fancy people who likes to sort of roast your bacon in the oven. Hey, I don't care, just get the damned bacon ready. I assume you'll want to get it nice and crisp, because presumably we're going to be crumbling it up.

Okay, so now you get your popcorn popping. And assuming your caramel sauce has arrived from Vermont, probably you'll want to heat some of that up. Not the whole 8-ounce jar, I think. (I sure hope not, considering what you paid for the 8-ounce jar. That would make for a pretty expensive batch of bacon caramel popcorn without even considering the price of the bacon and the popcorn.) And when the popcorn is popped, dump it in a bowl, I guess, and try to get your caramel sauce smooshed in while the popcorn's still hot, for better smooshing, being careful not to smash the popcorn. And you dump your crumbled-up bacon in, and . . . well, enjoy!

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