In case you're not feeling bad enough about your crappy, totally unimportant job . . .

Some days it's a doggie-dog world here in the workforce.

by Ken

You could say it's my own fault for trying to fill out the stupid survey. Goodness knows how many of them I seem to fill out online, where eventually, usually, the surveyors want to know just who the heck I think I am in this doggie-dog world (I think it was in a Dilbert newsletter, probably among the "True Tales of Induhviduals," that I read about somebody overhearing an induhvidual announcing that "it's a doggie-dog world"; it's stuck with me), and rather than just ask you for your occupation, the way the IRS does on your 1040, they break it down for you. I'm used to the employment world being broken down into an exceedingly curious set of career possibilities, and also used to not finding any choice that seems to come anywhere near my particular mode of wage slavery. But this one . . . this one shot the heck out of a day that already wasn't suffused with uplift.

I only got involved with it because it was for readers of The New Yorker, and I thought for once I might feel "with it," since usually these magazine surveys want to know which of the articles in a recent issue you read and how much you liked them, and while usually, even with the magazines I actually claim to read, what I see is mostly a list of articles I now remember thinking I might want to read when I have a moment, lately I've been doing a better job with my New Yorkers. I thought it might make me feel a little more like somebody if I actually had opinions to share.

So I clicked on the link to take the survey, and quickly regretted it. I actually copied the question that blew the whistle on my day. Here it is:

Which of the following best describes your job title?
◊ Chairman of the Board
◊ Board Member
◊ President/CEO
◊ Managing Director/COO
◊ Senior Vice President/Executive Vice President
◊ Vice President
◊ Controller/Treasurer/CFO
◊ Owner/Partner
◊ General Manager
◊ Information Systems/CIO
◊ Group/Division Director
◊ Department Manager/Supervisor
◊ Consultant
◊ Professional (i.e. accountant, doctor, lawyer, teacher)
◊ Technical Staff (i.e. MIS, IT)
◊ Sales Representative
◊ Clerical/Support Staff
◊ Government/Public Official
◊ Other (please specify):

Am I nuts, or is this a distinctly weird set of "job titles"?

Think about it. If you're not in the first 12 categories, which is to say "Chairman of the Board" through "Department Manager/Supervisor," and you're a salaried employee, which is to say not a "Consultant" or "Professional," then the only functions the surveyors can think of, or at least acknowledge, are "Technical Staff," "Sales Representative," or "Clerical/Support Staff" -- assuming of course that you're not a "Government/Public Official." By the time I had worked my options down to "Clerical/Support Staff" and "Other (please specify)," I knew it was time to click the hell away.

By the way, how many people in those first 12 categories would you expect to be completing this idiotic survey?

Anyway, I never did find out what the foks at the magazine wanted to know about my experience as a reader. But then, I'm not at all sure now that they care about my experience as a reader. I'm not entirely sure now that I'm eligible to be a New Yorker reader.

Of course it's possible that the surveyors were acting on their own, and not on the wishes of the client, in this case presumably the New Yorker circulation and/or marketing people. Nevertheless, I can't shake the thought that people at the magazine, possibly including the editors, think that this is who they're putting the damned rag out for. (Just let Mr. Remnick see how quickly I'll be returning his calls now.)

I'm sure I'm making too much of this. Besides, if I had simply claimed to be, say, an "Information Systems/CIO" (that's not worded quite right, is it?), who would have known? And I could have gotten on with my day.

Such as it was.

And come to think of it, I don't remember getting a Dilbert newsletter in quite a while. Do you suppose they've heard about my scheme to try to pass myself off as a CIO?

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