Does The Pope Get Down With The Beatles?

- by Noah

Yesterday, I came across an article from the Calgary Herald headlined “Pope Finally Forgives Beatles For Past Excesses.”  Wow, I thought. That’ll really make a difference in the lives (and afterlives) of everybody! Thank you soooo much!

It seems that for over 40 years, the Vatican has not turned the other cheek but held a grudge for the Beatles dope smoking, sexually promiscuous, and long hair growing lifestyle. The Vatican has even claimed something about “Satanic messages.” “Satanic messages?” The Beatles? Beats me. But, of course, the centerpiece de resistance of the Vatican (Vatanic?) 40 year snit fit has always been John Lennon’s infamous 1966 “We’re bigger than Jesus” quote; never mind that at the time, he was probably right, never mind that he didn’t say it in a boastful manner and there was more than a bit of incredulity in his voice as he uttered the damning words. The result was the Bible Belt burning of Beatles records and Lennon’s books, and an over the top reaction from the Catholic Church that made the church sound like they were needlessly insecure about their position in the great world order of things. The exact quote was:

“Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue about that; I’m right and I’ll be proved right. We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first, rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity.”

Fair enough: there’s no telling which will go first in the long flow of time. Religions and musical styles have always come and gone in the long course of history. Usually, they are just absorbed into the next thing that comes along, not unlike Christians adopting the symbol of the Christmas tree from the European pagans in order to help spread their word. Even two years ago, the church forgave Lennon, saying his remark had only been “the boasting of an English working-class lad struggling to cope with unexpected success.” Well, no one could have predicted success on the scale of what the Beatles achieved. It’s well known that Lennon had a hard time with it and, as talented as he was, became increasingly incredulous over it. Listen to his songs “I’m A Loser”, “Help”, “I Found Out” or even “God” now. The man seemed to have some sort of love/hate thing going on with religion anyway. Hindsight is more than 20/20.
 
So, here we are in 2010 and the Vatican is dismissing perceived moral outrages that they’ve directed to the Beatles for all of these years. They offer “complete absolution.” Yeah? Well, who the hell are you? A bunch of old guys in funny clothes who, like some politicians we could name, claim to speak for a god that would, if even half of the allegations about you were true would have nothing to do with you?

The Pope? Mr. Hitler Youth himself? The Vatican? The team that not only remained silent at best during World War Two but even helped usher nazi war criminals over to a new life in South America? Rampant pedophilia? Priests likening those who make charges to anti-semites? Hell, Mr. Popo, you’re damn lucky some old testament god hasn’t hurled a few megawatt lightning bolts at you or turned you into a pillar of petrified dogshit to be sniffed and urinated upon by centuries and centuries of happy puppies! Who the hell are you to forgive ANYONE? Mr. Popo, you are truly the emperor without clothes. As Ringo said yesterday:

“I think the Vatican has more to talk about than The Beatles.”

Well said, Ringo. As usual, you are a man of few but very succinct words.
 
So what’s this forgiving The Beatles all about? What happened? Why now? Could this all be just a little diversion thrown out there when you’re getting some mighty bad press? I hardly think it will change The Beatle’s lives, including the two that are gone. Is John’s soul happily rejoicing over the proclamation today? Hey, if you’re the Pope and if things are bad and you’re worried about being pelted with the finest rotten Italian tomatoes the next time you venture out. If you’re El Popo, why not take it even further, saying you’ve always loved The Beatles. Some of your people have said as much this week, but it was just that damn sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll stuff. It was so bothersome. Hmmm, maybe it’s all the sin of envy, eh? C’mon, Ratboy. Come out of the closet and admit… that you’ve always been a Beatles fan, ever since their Hamburg days! Maybe you even knew their manager, eh? Knew him well, did ya? What better time than now? You need to create a little more diversion. Align yourself with The Beatles! There’s nothing like choosing to align yourself with a winner that millions adore the world over when the chips are down. Is that what this is all about? It’s like saying you love a nice spring day or “I like winning the lottery.” What’s not to like? Is this a case of “See, I’m not so bad. I’m so much just like you. Love me. PLEASE LOVE me!”
 
This afternoon, I received a vision from God. The Pope was whizzing around the seven hills of Rome in an Italian sports car. I think it was a 1966 Ferrari. He was smoking a bone and noshing on an over-sized bratwurst with some sauerkraut while listening to an 8-track of “Abbey Road,” or was it the Lennon produced David Peel and The Lower East Side album entitled “The Pope Smokes Dope.” That wild hat stayed on the whole time. The Jesus on the dash just smiled and bobbed to the sounds.