Rahm-x the Destroyer

by Doug Kahn

I guess there’s something wrong with me. I mean, I know there are a lot of things wrong with me, but I’m talking about getting angry on Thanksgiving Day. I was okay for a while. My kids called me this morning. I went over to St. Vincent de Paul to serve dinner and clean up. I drove home. Texas scored on Texas A&M, and I knew that somewhere Steve Rash was smiling. I made a plan to email Adam Bink and tell him how the Dolphins were going to whomp Buffalo on Sunday, but good. I figured he was smiling too, since the Bills had finally fired Dick Jauron.

I think the problem started while I was reading about the visitor’s log at the White House, and how the "White House" had been fawning over the US Chamber of Commerce. I tried to write, for the nth time, a post about the Chamber of Commerce ad campaign against health care reform, how every "fact," every quote in it came from a Wall Street Journal editorial and a "report" from the WellPoint insurance company, a respected name among corporate vampires. [They did, however, remove the Jesse Helms/“you needed that job” element.] Then my mind turned, once again, to a cancer on the Presidency.

I want to know what was said at Rahm Emanuel’s reported confabs with progressive leaders at the White House. Maybe I’m reading the wrong websites, but I don’t see any of you progressive "leaders" telling me what you discussed. I suppose you all promised beforehand to not speak on the record, or off the record, or even on deep background. And you’re still not talking, despite the fact that everyone in D.C. is laughing behind your backs.

All I’ve heard is leaked bullshit from Rahm-x the Destroyer, who is really the roughest of ultimate tough guys, a celebrated and exalted ruler-of-staff, a warrior-god who won the House of Representatives, making all things possible for us downtrodden peons. This whiny little shit, who reads favorites from his The Sgt. Rock collectionwhen he sacks out at night, chewed everyone out, if he does say so himself. Only he doesn’t say so, he just secretly whispers it so that all you champions of the little people know, no question about it, that he’s the King, and you’re nothing. When you stay silent, you prove him right.

What did he do, exactly? Did he kvetch about how you were ruining the President’s strategy, which was absolutely, definitely going to work, if you’d only let it be? Was there any swearing, any stomping around on those little feet? Please tell me you gave it back to him. I’m guessing you were all upright and noble, politely and correctly interacting with a respected adversary. Do you really believe that any promise you made to stifle yourself is still valid?

An opt-out public option? That’s the crumb, the morsel? Look at yourself in the mirror, Andy Stern. What are you, a man or a mouse?

I know, I know, you’re all fighting the good fight, signing petitions, phoning Congress. Raising money for the good guys and running ads against the bad guys. People are even getting arrested! Holy cow!

I realize these things need doing. But you did this stuff before, and even doing it so much more and so much better isn’t getting us where we need to go. You need to turn up the volume, I mean really ramp it up. I don’t know, maybe you’re just too old. I’m telling you, nobody who’s worth a damn is going to complain if you get way out in front of the pack. I think it’s your responsibility to push back against Rahm and his corporate know-it-all pals as hard as you can, because you have to enable your followers to follow suit.

Barack Obama laid out a national plan of action last year, a "program." He promised he'd be a clean break from Captain America, our screw-the-worker, cheat-the-consumer, violate-the-rule-of-law World Domination League bumbler of the 8 years preceding this one. I'm beginning to think that all we've got now is a very smart man who looks and sounds great and is fantastically skillful at getting out of tough scrapes. Oh, and he can shoot baskets. So what? I can shoot baskets too. In the real game, Mr. President, you're stinking up the joint. Get with the "program," and fire Rahm Emanuel.