Looking for a challenge? Think you could explain to me how to insert audio (or fake-video) clips in this space?

by Ken

Can we, you know, talk? This is kind of embarrassing, but part of being a grown-up is knowing your limitations, facing up to them, in really extreme cases asking for help.

OK, I need help.

First I have to ask you, do you remember that Mad About You episode where Paul is supposed to register Jamie for her grad-school classes, and of course he forgets, and then when he finally shows up he doesn't have a clue what he's supposed to do or where he's supposed to go, so he's asking people, and everyone is giving him these incredibly detailed instructions, and he utters that immortal line:

"Talk to me like I'm seven."

Guy points and says, "Go there," and we're in business.

OK, here's the deal. We're going to be resuming the weekly (I hope) classical-music posts this Sunday, and I'm still stuck with my frustration at not being able to produce my own clips. Personally, I'd be happy if I could just insert straight audio clips, but I don't know how to do that, and everyone tells me, what's the big deal, just put it on YouTube. So I would be happy if I knew how to, you know, just slap some dopey still image on top of like maybe an MP3 music file.

Now I can do the music file, in iTunes anyway. (Is that OK?) And you would figure, what could be simpler than, you know, just slapping some dopey still image on top of it? What could be simpler? Who couldn't do that? A child of seven could do it.

OK, bad example -- there's all sorts of computer stuff a child of seven can do that I can't. Probably even the child's pet turtle could do it.

So I've read on the Blogger help sites maybe 16 different ways of inserting audio, step-by-step instructions, and I usually get through the step where I register on some site where I'm supposed to park the files (at this point I don't even remember which sites I'm registered on), and then . . . I'm clueless. If I wanted to share my past years' tax returns, I could probably figure out how to upload those for you to look at. But a few minutes of music so you could listen and enjoy, feel a bit of spiritual enrichment? Not a clue.

As for the video thing, I did the iMovie tutorial, I understood maybe 2 percent of it, but I stuck with it, and now I'm doing it -- importing my MP3 file, picking out the images, even changing them at the precise second, adding titles, choosing fonts. I come out of it with a "clip" that plays OK on my machine, even if it looks like it was done by the pet turtle, and not the swiftest of turtles at that. First warning sign is that YouTube refuses to accept them for upload, with some cockamamie excuse so inscrutable, I don't even remember it. (This was many months ago.) Nevertheless, I do maybe two of these so-called clips, still unuploadable, and I send the files for the alleged clips to Howie, and when he tries to "open" them, there's nothing, nada, zilch.

One thing I know is, there's loads of smart people out there. Smart people who might be willing to try to hold the hand of the retarded guy.

So here's the deal. I'm working on a Mac, a nice newish Mac. I got your regular Mac software, your iTunes, your iMovie, your iPhoto, your iEverything. If there's better software I should use, especially if it's free or really cheap, you could tell me about that. (I know some of the fancier audio-editing software lets you define your own file, rather than just taking a track from a CD. That could come in handy.)

Take your pick, you can either walk me through the way to be able to post audio-only clips right here on DWT, so readers can, you know, click and listen. Or you can walk me through slapping that dopey still image on the MP3 file (or could you use MPEG4, which iTunes seems to produce now? they really do seem to sound better) to create some stinking clip that YouTube would just take in politely without casting snide aspersions on my technical competence.

Just remember, talk to me like I'm seven -- or better, like you're talking to the turtle. The prize for the most successful tech consult is . . . oh, you know there's gonna be a swell prize, who wouldn't give a prize for help like that? What did you think there wasn't going to be a prize? OK, listen, we'll talk about the prize after I'm clogging up the Intertubes with audio and nonvideo-video clips.

Do you hear what I'm saying? Of course this is going to be too complex for the comments section, you can e-mail me -- regular address, kenfromdwt@aol.com. OK?

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