America's Unsexiest Men

3 very ugly, very white men they missed this year: Evan, Joe & Ben

Have you noticed how almost every story about Indiana reactionary Senator Evan Bayh mentions he's "handsome?" Even apart from his ugly politics, he isn't handsome. He's kind of ugly in fact, unless being "white bread" means the same as "handsome." I've never seen a picture of Bayh that looked vaguely attractive. But every Inside-the-Beltway pundit writing about him always describes him as handsome, as though it were part of his title. Maybe it's just because of the rest of what inhabits their world. Moving outside-the-Beltway, this week's Boston Phoenix named the 100 Unsexiest Men in America; obviously, Rush Limbaugh topped the list. George W. Bush was #91. In between... take a look; you've got everyone from Bernie Madoff, Joe the Plumber, Rod Blagojevic, John Edwards, Bobby Jindal, Michael Steele, Dick Cheney, McCain, and the guy who does the FreeCreditReport.com TV ads to Brett Michaels, Lil Wayne, Tweety, Warren Jeffs, Kid Rock and the fabulous duo, John Boehner & Eric Cantor. ("You would think a guy with ears as big as Cantor’s would see the irony in crusading against earmarks. And you’d also think that a guy whose name could reasonably be mispronounced 'boner' would avoid being such a dick. Then again, these are privileged white men who call themselves the 'minority.'”) There's no accounting for taste but how the hell did they miss Miss McConnell and Lindsey Graham? Unless, of course there's a follow-up edition for the 100 Unsexiest Women.

"To the masses, unsexiness is defined in superficial ways-- pores big enough to drive Hummers through, and hair that grows like kudzu in unwanted places, and unexplained protuberances. Think Danny Bonaduce or Carrot Top (or virtually any man you can think of with red hair). To the faceless myrmidons here at Phoenix Unsexy Headquarters, however, unsexiness is an altogether different quality, defined instead by gypping jillions out of charities or punching your girlfriend or yelling at your cinematographer."

"Our annual survey of the year’s Unsexiest Men is a corrective to this sort of deplorable behavior. Assembled by a watchful team with a low tolerance for hypocrisy, wastefulness, and unfunny comedians, our list holds men accountable for their rampantly unsexy ways. Consider this list a compendium of social subpoenae from the High Court of Sexiness."

Special mention goes to poor Jim Cramer, the 7th unsexiest man in America: "CNBC’s Jim Cramer is the Jenna Jameson of financial reporting: the more the economy took it in the rear, the louder his screams of ecstasy became. We had this loudmouthed, prop-wielding financial Gallagher on our list a full year before he got pwned by Jon Stewart-- but in 2009, Cramer wins our most-devolved award, streaking up the list from his 91st-place showing in 2008 to now land inside the top 10. How’d we figure it? Simple calculation: we moved him up a spot every time the market went down like a porn star-- and added bonuses every time he whimpered 'I should’ve done better.'”