Just because we're not going to get a special prosecutor doesn't mean we don't need one

Who wouldn't like to see Perry Mason reduce George
or Dick to a blubbering, confessing pulp on the stand?

by Noah

There has been a lot of discussion recently -- in the blogosphere, if not in the isolated, insular community of Washington, DC -- about the possibility of bringing George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and the rest of the illegitimate Bush administration to justice for crimes such as their admitted NSA law-breaking, not to mention the other not-admitted, much-discussed crimes against the Constitution, the country, and the world.

One interesting wrinkle to this discussion is that the president-elect, a very Internet-savvy man who gained much of his support through Internet marketing, has a new site, change.gov, where people can suggest and vote on just what changes they'd like to see. The site usalone.com has been e-mailing its subscribers during the last week, asking them to go to usalone.com/convict_cap.php to suggest and vote for choosing a special prosecutor to investigate Bush and Cheney and hold them accountable -- and get a free "Convict Dick & W" cap.

I think we all know where Barack "Whose Change?" Obama stands on the issue, but the idea is to make a special prosecutor the number one desire of the people, as submitted to his own site, where he supposedly cares to know what we are thinking. Well, it looks like one way to send a message, even if it will be ignored.

usalone calls it the accountability movement. I seriously doubt that anything will come of all of this, since Washington protects its own. We've already had enough of the accomplice Pelosi and her ilk. It's a "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" kind of town. Cynical of me? No, I'm just a student of history. The best we'll ever get is one of those patented Washington blue-ribbon whitewash commissions.

In the meantime, easing the pain with pointed irony and bitter sarcasm, I have some suggestions to offer for this special prosecutor. Just remember: When you hear the word "commission'" coming from DC instead of "special prosecutor," think "whitewash" -- or another old Inside the Beltway standard, "sweeping it under the carpet." You know, like the 9/11 Commission or the Warren Commission.

Keep in mind that Washington makes a big show of pretending to get to the bottom of things while really covering them up, so some of these dregs of society . . . er, candidates really fit the bill:


ARLEN SPECTER, U.S. senator from Pennsylvania,
ranking minority member of the Judiciary Committee

The man who, as lawyer for the Warren Commission, came up with the fantastic, phantasmagorical "single-bullet theory" as an explanation for one very magic bullet causing unbelievable numbers of wounds to two men and damage to the interior of a presidential limo on the streets of Dallas back in 1963. He may be much older now and maybe not even obsessed with the breasts of Anita Hill anymore, but I'm sure his bucket-of-sleaze brain ain't dead quite yet.


KENNETH STARR, dean, Pepperdine U. School of Law
(currently representing anti-marriage-equality Prop 8 supporters in California Supreme Court case)

The man who adopted the slogan "the rule of law" when building the case of "impeachment for a blowjob" against another globalista presidente. I'm sure it really was all about the law to Ken, and nothing else, so the Obama administration should offer this bozo the case of his dreams, an embarrassment of riches, a treasure chest of broken statutes. I wonder if he still has Monica Lewinsky's dress.


MONICA GOODLING, former chief political hatchetperson,
U.S. Dept. of "Justice"

What could be better than a graduate of the law school of Pat Robertson's Regent University, which bills itself as "America's Preeminent Christian University"? It just reeks of honesty, objectivity, and integrity. Plus, she is known for her zealousness -- picked out some nice blue drapes for those nudie statues in the great hall of the Justice Dept.


CARDINAL FRANCISCO XIMENEZ DE CISNEROS, O.F.M.,
Grand Inquisitor of Spain

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

What could be better? The "Mr. Torture" of his time. The irony would be perfect, in a "dose of their own medicine" sort of way.

"Fetch . . . the comfy chair!"

Alas, that was five centuries ago. I can see Bush and Cheney sitting in their comfy chairs for the rest of their days, setting a horrible example for future generations of how to act in public office.


RUDY

He helped put the Dapper Don, John Gotti, in a cage in Leavenworth. Why not a cage for Cheney and a cage for Bush? Plus I'd love to see Rudy Julieandrews present his evidence to Congress in a feather boa and high heels.


LARRY KING, television personality

This man rode with the Beatles in 1964. That was coolness! I never really paid much attention to Larry King of the Kloying Smarm, but shortly after the appointment of Bush, I saw him extolling the virtues of the entire Bush Crime Family on his show. I've never watched it since. It took me almost 40 years to figure it out, but when he isn't kissing the ass of a top dog, he has his head up his own.


DR. JOSEF MENGELE, medical, er, researcher

Oh, that's right, as a professional torturer he'd have to recuse himself.


OSAMA BIN LADEN, Islamofascist terror-monger

Right, same with Osama, he'd have to recuse himself. Bush has done just what he wanted: severely damaged the American economy, taken out Saddam, allowed the Taliban to regroup in Afghanistan.


ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER as Commando

"Remember when I promised to kill you last? I lied."


PERRY MASON, defense attorney

I would like to see George or Dick in one of those last-minute breakdowns on the witness stand. Sigh, that only happens on TV. In real life the verdict and punishment have been bought and sold in advance. No fun.


DENNY CRANE, name partner, Crane Poole & Schmidt law firm

Well then, Denny Crane! He's even a staunch conservative who secretly voted for Barack Obama. So what if he's a fictional character? Who better to go after a pretend president?

Hmmm. Maybe what we really need is Denny's alter-ego:
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK, commander, starship U.S.S. Enterprise


LARRY "WIDE STANCE" CRAIG, newly retired U.S. senator from Idaho

"You've been a naughty boy, George, a naughty, naughty boy. Dick is waiting for you at the airport."


But all kidding aside, how about someone as close to "beyond reproach" as possible? Eliot Ness isn't available, but how about that rarest of rare and endangered species, a Republican with integrity? Someone like former U.S. attorney David Igelsias, who was fired by the White House (see Monica Goodling, above) for the crime of being honest? Or how about Patrick Fitzgerald? Centrist that he is, he represents the route that Obama would probably go, if he was going to do anything.

I, like so many others, wish he would, for the future of our country, if not for you and me. It would also restore our image among others in the world who used to look at America as a place of hope. I expect nothing, although a pleasant surprise would come at a very good time. Morale and morals have reached a new low here in 2009.

However, I expect this year to be a case of meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Crime and no punishment. And we'll continue the long slide downhill, going the way of the Romans. The parallels are uncanny.

Dear President-elect Obama: Surprise me!

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