Maureen Dowd fantasizes sort of amusingly about Chimpy the Prez trying desperately to fend off his family and their busybodying old retainers

"We must achieve our objective," Junior sputters. "Our objective is success. To succeed we must have success. If we don't win, we lose. We are the winners. We can't let the . . . we're in an ideological struggle and that's why we have a strategy . . . AL QAEDA! We must help democracy in Iraq succeed because . . . ISLAMOFASCISTS! . . . that is the objective of a successful . . . "
--from Maureen Dowd's Oval Office fantasy today

I felt really dumb not to have noticed it, but a friend asked whether Martha O'Dell, the Washington-based journalist played by Christine Lahti who's working on the big magazine profile of Studio 60 (the show-within-a-show, that is--she's seen here making life hard for co-exec producer Danny Stiles, played by Bradley Whitford) on Studio 60 (the show), is based on Maureen Dowd. Once it was pointed out, it seemed bleedingly obvious. (For now, I'd just as soon leave it at that. The portrait is in some ways extremely unflattering.)

Meanwhile, when some poor soul is down for the count, and the vultures are crowding in, you can usually count on our Mo to pile on, and sometimes the result is entertaining--like usually when the target is someone you enjoy seeing take that late hit. I thought we'd start the weekend off with this light reading.

As you see, our friend Noah isn't the only one who's thought of the Iraq Study Group report as a group "intervention" on Junior by the Bush family retainers. True, the column isn't as funny as the premise promises--or as the writer clearly thinks it is--but she's equally clearly having such a good time that some of that carries over to the reader.


December 9, 2006

The Oval Intervention
By MAUREEN DOWD

It is not a happy mood in the Oval Office.

Poppy is sobbing, his face in his hands, slumped in one of the yellow-and-blue striped chairs. Laura is screaming the words "Oscar de la Renta" and "rendition" into her cellphone, still seeing red after showing up at a White House gala in the same $8,400 red gown as three other women who did not happen to be first lady.

Bob Gates is grim-faced, but not as grim-faced as Barbara, whose look could freeze not only the Potomac but the Tigris and the Euphrates. Scowcroft is over on the couch, trying to nap while Kissinger drones softly in his ear.

And, of course, there is the Deprogrammer for the Decider, James Baker, perfectly suited in bright green tie and suited perfectly for his spot behind the president's desk.

The Council of Elders had hoped this Apocalypto moment wouldn't be necessary. They had assumed that the scorching Iraq Study Group report would have the same effect on Junior as the bucket of cold water that Mr. Baker's strict father, a lawyer known as "the Warden," used to throw on his face to wake him up as a boy.

But Junior is trying to wriggle away completely, offering a decidedly cool response to the attempt to yank him into the reality-based community. He rallied his last two allies--his English poodle and his Scottish terrier, Blair and Barney.

He is loath to give up his gunslinger pose to go all diplo. He cleaves to the neocon complaint that it is the realists who are now being unrealistic, thinking the administration can bargain with Syria and Iran, or that the Army can train Iraqi security forces (or, as they are known there, death squads) in a matter of months when they haven't been able to do it in years.

The Velvet Hammer is undeterred. He's doing an all-out intervention, locking Junior and Barney in the little study next to the Oval. To stress the seriousness of the situation, they don't give the president his feather pillow.

The group gathers at the door of the study. "My boy," his dad tells him between sobs. "We love you. We're here for you. We're worried about you. You're not just hurting yourself, you're hurting others. This is a safe place. No one's judging you . . . "

"What are you talking about, Dad?" Junior snaps. "I just actually read 96 pages of your friends' judging me in that cowpie report." Barney woofs in support.

Barbara can be heard muttering from across the room. "We were right about Jebbie."

Henry the K lumbers up to the door and in a low Teutonic rumble says: "It's time we stopped taking care of you and started caring about you. Would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

Junior is getting even more furious. "You all think you're so realist. But you're unrealist. I'm realist. Are you sitting at my desk, Baker? Get out of there! Everyone says you're so Mr. Ride to the Rescue, but none of your surrender monkey ideas would work. Talk about Pretend Land--Israel giving up the Golan Heights? Yeah, right. And they call me delusional."

Baker glides up to the door and says, in his most satiny drawl, "Son, I just threw a few D.O.A. ones in there for you to reject so you could preserve your manhood."

There are sounds of feet stomping. "You say I can't stay the course but I can too stay the course!" Junior yells. "I can! I can! You say I have to put the two trillion dollar war cost in the budget, but I don't! You say we have to cuddle up to evildoers in Iran and Syria. Why do you hate the troops? Where's Condi? I want my Condi!"

Realizing the president is getting hysterical, the group looks at Laura, hoping she can calm him down.

She approaches the door and coos in a soft voice: "Bushie? Listen, now, this is important. How do you get someone audited? Can't we send Oscar de la Loser to Gitmo?"

Baker gently nudges Laura aside. "Now son, hear me out. We've disabled your enablers. Rummy has written his last self-serving memo. Dick's got his hands full explaining his darlin' new grandchild's Two Mommies. Don't bother calling for Condi. She's at the bottom of Foggy Bottom. You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em."

It's not sinking in. "We must achieve our objective," Junior sputters. "Our objective is success. To succeed we must have success. If we don't win, we lose. We are the winners. We can't let the . . . we're in an ideological struggle and that's why we have a strategy . . . AL QAEDA! We must help democracy in Iraq succeed because . . . ISLAMOFASCISTS! . . . that is the objective of a successful . . . "

Barney scratches at the door, trying to cut and run.