HOW WILL THE TED HAGGARD CULT RESPOND TO HIS HYPOCRISY AND BETRAYAL? (UPDATE: HE'S FIRED FOR "SEXUALLY IMMORAL CONDUCT")

The cult that Ted Haggard heads isn't like the Christian church down the street. The people I know who have sincerely embraced Jesus Christ in their hearts aren't all saints either, but they're sure not like Ted Haggard or any of the money-and-power-obsessed Republican preachers who dominate the televangelist Know Nothing claptrap that has swept the more backward and superstitious parts of America. If men like Ted Haggard, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Fred Phelps, James Dobson have something to do with Christianity, it is to show what Christianity is not. Clearly, these men represent the forces of Evil, the legions of Satan.

Ted Haggard wants his dull followers to believe he bought meth and threw it away and that he had a dick in his mouth but didn't suck it. And some of them will believe it-- the same ones who think it's God's will that George Bush wreck our nation and bring down such satanic evil onto the world, the same ones who plan to vote for the political dopplegangers of the Ted Haggards and Fred Phelpses and James Dobsons and Pat Robertsons-- for Marilyn Musgrave, for John Doolittle, for Pombo and Schmidt and J.D. Hayworth, John Kline, Robin Hayes and Barbara Cubin.

Who knows better than Jesus' General what this cabal or far right preachers and far right politicos are up to? He's got an inside line. And this morning he sent me a note. "Haggards followers also believe in homosexual demons who enter into a person when he or she is sinning near someone possessed by such a demon. We may eventually hear that the 'massage' brought Haggard in contact with the
homosexual demon. They also believe that a diabolical (literally) organization Haggard calls 'Control' is out to destroy him. Yeah, it laughable, but these people believe it. It gives their life meaning."

But even in Colorado, the epicenter for the American Taliban trying to impose a theocracy on our country and destroy, with their cohorts in the GOP, our democratic institutions, this message is wearing thin... very, very thin. After Tuesday it's conceiveable that there won't be a single Republican left in Colorado's congressional delegation. That's the way it should be.


UPDATE: PASTOR TED WAS JUST DOING RESEARCH

Wow! Now, that's the oldest excuse in the book! I bet Eve, or Steve, said that to Adam. Anyway, Jesus' General just caught me up on some more craziness about Pastor Ted's whacky cult. He still hasn't told me if they really have Marilyn Musgrave statues that everyone has to... massage. But he has explained how:

• Pastor Ted staked out homosexual bars and sex shops in an effort to recruit the establishment's patrons into a Christianist lifestyle.
• He laid siege to homosexual bars and federal buildings by praying in front of them and rebuking the demons within them.
• One Haggard follower would take a garden sprayer filled with blessed water and spray it onto sinful intersections.
• Pastor Ted says that Satan sent a witch to stab him.
• His parishioners say Haggard resurrected a dead person.

Well, I sure hope Pastor Ted will be too busy explaining to the little wifey why he was getting a massage from a gay prostitute so that he has no time to cast any spells to revive the dead campaign of the Musgrave monster. And too busy looking for a new job. His cult just fired him for "moral failings... Our investigation and Pastor Haggard's public statements have proven without a doubt that he has committed sexually immoral conduct."