Quote of the day: On immigration, The Daily Show's John Oliver asks, "What's your funniest story about dehumanizing work conditions?"

"Jon, like billions of other unfortunate people in the world, I was tragically born not American. It's primarily why I talk like this."
--newly designated Daily Show correspondent British-born John Oliver, responding to Jon Stewart's invitation "to tell us about his immigration experience"

As Jon Stewart explained, "President Bush has long said immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want. So when we decided to hire a new Daily Show correspondent, we knew we'd have to settle . . . on a foreigner."

After startling Jon S with the information that he grew up in an orphanage ("All British people are orphans. Have you never read any Charles Dickens?"), John recalled the harrowing circumstances of his border-crossing--in the back seat of a stretch limo, crossing the New Jersey-New York border after arriving at Newark Airport.

John traced the evolution of the immigrant experience, from the days of the (appropriately illustrated) "sepia-toned immigrants" who once streamed into Ellis Island to the present-day landscape of Americans protesting those damned immigrants who are ruining the country.

In an interview, "immigrant rights advocate" Omar Henriquez spoke of the poor or no pay, unsafe conditions, physical abuse, sexual harassment and, yes, deadly border-crossings, and John shared his own harrowed-immigrant story: "The Daily Show are putting honeydew melon in the fruit bowl in my dressing room, and the texture is--to call it substandard would be giving it a compliment." It was Omar whom John asked, "What's your funniest story about dehumanizing work conditions?," adding the specification, "Something with pizzazz."

Thanks to John's easy adaptation to "New York's famed public transport system," which he seemed to think consists of the London-style red double-decker buses used for tourist tours (complete with tour guide speaking mostly unintelligibly into his microphone)--"quite informative if a bit slow"--he was able to make contact with five fellow British immigrants.

"What forms of intolerance have you experienced since you arrived here?" John asked, eliciting heart-rending anecdotes:

BRITISH IMMIGRANT NO. 1: "They still think that Benny Hill is the sort of triumph of British comedy."

BRITISH IMMIGRANT NO. 2: "Everyone thinks you're smart because you speak with an English accent."

Which prompted John to add his own shocking story: "Just the other night I went up to a cop and asked him where I could buy an aluminium dildo. ["Aluminium," of course, came overstuffed with that extra "i" syllable that metallurgically ill-informed Britain inflicts on poor, helpless "aluminum."] The man looked at me like I was a freak."

The most stirring moment came after John ascertained that not one of his panel of Brits traveled here first-class, and that in fact all five had endured the rigors of business class. Not surprisingly, this horror reduced him to hysterical sobbing, but he rallied, and then, over the rising strains of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" he recounted:

Empowered by their experience--

[We now see John standing against the perimeter fence at the Battery, the southern tip of Manhattan, overlooking New York Harbor, with the Statue of Liberty in the background--see above]

that afternoon I stood and pondered the millions of successful immigrants who had stood and pondered right here. Why had they come to America? What were they hoping to achieve? And then it hit me. I raced back to Omar, after a six hour ride past all of New York's major landmarks, to tell him exactly what this immigraant was here to do.

[John is back in the studio with Omar]

I came here to take American jobs!

Eventually, though, John discovered his inner American, sitting happily-indignantly watching a wide-screen TV with his mouth stuffed, denouncing immigration.

"I even dreaded getting back on the double-decker bus," the now-Americanized John said. "Fortunately, all British people know a secret song that makes things go faster," as indeed the video record showed a miraculously speeded-up bus trip.

The show went from John's segment straight to commercial. After the break the secret song was playing, and Jon Stewart observed, "You know, he's right. Everything does move faster when that song is played."

And what is the secret song? Why, what else could it be but the Benny Hill theme?


NO-DOUBT-FULLER DISCLOSURE THAN YOU CARE ABOUT

By now "John Oliver's American Journey," which first aired Thursday night, seems to be posted all over the damned Internet, for example on Comedy Central's own website, in two parts, and on youtube via this truthdig link. Hey, John is hot; his new Daily Show status is even incorporated in a Wikipedia bio!

And deservedly so. John has been offering the most brilliant Daily Show segements since the prime of Lewis Black's "Back in Black." (Speaking of which, the online gossips are saying that his now-infrequent "Back in Black" pieces are written not by our Lewis but by show staffers. Whatever the case, everyone seems to have noticed that they're a pale reflection of what they once were.)

QOTD's John Oliver Fan Club standing should be well established by:

• "The Daily Show unmasks Democrats as the 'validators' of terrorism that we (and Dick Chaney) always knew they were (Aug. 16)"

• "George W. Bush is the right man to lead us in the era post-whatever horrible calamity he leads us into next (Sept. 12)"

In fact, we had originally intended to get something up yesterday, and even did one of our laborious entirely-by-hand QOTD transcribbles, and dragged it to the office yesterday, but that was as far as it got. Then we realized that in our customary Friday-evening desperate escape from the office, we left the damned transcribble behind! Yes, what you see above represents a second effort of transcribblification.

Heck, it's all in the line of duty. Or something.