HOW MANY REPUBLICANS-- EVEN WITH HELP FROM THEIR STOOGES, LIKE LIEBERMAN-- DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
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My old pal Bruce just sent me this. It's funny, of course, but the truth in it is even better than the humor.
1. One to deny that the light bulb needs to be changed
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness.
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid/cost-plus contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a stepladder under the
banner: "Light Bulb Change Accomplished."
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb changing policy all along.
10. Finally, Joe Lieberman to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing the light bulb and screwing the country.
posted by DownWithTyranny @ 5:13 PM
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66 Comments:
Thanks! I'm sitting here at my desk at quarter to 11 (yes, at night!), wallowing in abject self-pity, and I wouldn't have thought ANYTHING could lighten my mood. But this sure did!
Ken
I checked the “ Republican Training Manual” and noticed a few guidelines you seem to have missed:
11. One to create new tax breaks for the manufacturer of the light bulb to move its factories overseas.
12. One to suggest that layed-off American lightbulb makers train their foreign replacements.
13. One to change the name of “ light bulb” to “Devine-Light Bulb From Above”.
14. One to create a Constitutional Amendment banning “gays” from screwing in bulbs.
15. One to promote the “trickle down light” theory, where poor people get scraps of light from bulbs exclusively screwed by the rich.
Yes! Yes! Put them all on the payroll!
Ken
I just noticed that the online version of the "Republican Traning Manual" lists a few more ... such as:
#22. One to represent the "Light Bulb Twisters for Truth and Justice" in their claim that Thomas Edison was actually out of the country when the light bulb was invented, and that he was in fact a cowardly traitor, incapable of twisting, let alone inventing a light bulb.
This one's a little trickier, Dr. Tex, because they'll have to deny any official connection to the operation, and raise the money separately and secretly.
But hell, it's not as if they've never done THAT before!
Ken
So how many Republicans DOES it take to screw in a light bulb? Sorry, but it's just like a Democrat not to be able to answer the question!!!!
To Anonymous@ 8:41
Well, I see 16 so far. Isn't that jusy like a Republican to pretent something right in front of your nose doesn't exist!
#.?? "We would not comment on, confirm, or deny, any elements of our lightbulb changing procedures in the interest of maintaining the operational security and integrity of said procedures, if in fact those procedures exist...
...but we've heard Valerie Plame does it sometimes. Next question..."
Sorry A-2, but I'm not a Republican. The point is Democrats can't even tell a joke right (e.g. John Kerry). I'm not saying all the points aren't valid, but in the end, they don't even connect. It's like the old joke about laying all the economists end to end without reaching a conclusion. The post is just a rambling diatribe. It offends me not as a Republican, but as someone who likes to see jokes told well.
The correct answer is that Republicans don't screw in a lightbulb. They screw in the Men's room!
A-1:
I like a good joke, as well. But since you were not in the previous comment offended as a Republican, let me be the first to do so:
How does it feel to have (almost) elected the worst President this country has ever seen? How does it feel to have the blood of almost 4000 young Americans on your hands and be the enabler of a stupid, vicious and wholly unlawful regime responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent people?
If this isn't enough to offend you, I'll be happy to try again. Thanks for your valuable time.
Three.
Two to hold the lightbulb. And one, to hammer it into the faucet.
Hmmm. I thought the answer was "0." Republicans don't believe in evolution; without evolution, the lightbulb would never have been invented (even if it had, it would have been seen as an attack on our way of life, and the inventor would be burned at the stake). If the lightbulb doesn't exist, you don't have to change it, of course.
Three: One to mix a drink for Dickhead Cheney, one to call an incompetent electrician, and one to convince Bill Frist that the light bulb is indeed burnt out.
One to bloviate on a national radio program that this proves that only a Republican is capable of changing a light bulb.
One to pray for the soul of the dead light bulb and to remind us that we must choose a Christian light bulb as a replacement.
One to make the right-wing pundit panel TV talk show rounds with the claim that the light bulb did not burn out on its own, but was in fact sabotaged by Al Gore in an attempt to slow global warming - a clear act of terrorism in league with Al Qaeda and Iran.
One to spy on anyone that has a light that either goes through any American territory, or that shines on any foreign object, place or thing.
One FOX SNOOZE "reporter" to say "you know, when he said 'I didn't screw that lightbulb', it remind me of President Clinton saying 'I didn't have sex with that woman."
How about Democrats?
1. One former Presidential Candidate to tell the world that it is America's fault that the lightbulb burned out.
2. Weild all of the power of the mainstream media and a bankrupt radio network to say that anyone who thinks it's not America's fault is stupid, a hate-monger or a kool-aid drinker.
3. Promote an alternative source of light that contains heavy metals known to cause neurological disorders.
4. Force all users of said lightbulb to take all used lightbulbs to a hazardous waste facility somewhere in the outskirts of their county.
5. Fill waste facility with incompetant workers in union jobs where they are overpaid with tax dollars.
6. Raise taxes to cover added costs.
7. Attack conventional lightbulb companies and their supporters.
8. Attack them some more.
9. Raise taxes again.
10. Hire a union worker at $35 an hour to change and dispose of said bulb.
None....
Republican's don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in airport bathrooms!
That's right Nestor,
Weild all of the power of the mainstream media and a bankrupt radio network to say that anyone who thinks it's not America's fault is stupid, a hate-monger or a kool-aid drinker.
In touch with reality much? Bwahaha
BTW, it's spelled 'wield'. "I before e....etc" or don't they teach that to you in home school?
I 'm sorry. We cannot answer the question because of there is an on going investigation into why the lightbulb is out.
Nestor,
You just showed that Republicans aren't funny -- only mean and uninformed.
Mission Accomplished!
"I don't recall,ummm, I don't remember hearing anything about that" And I can't comment since it is an ongoing investigation. Lady Di
I'm not a republican, but I am a conservative and reformed Democrat.
As far as my spelling, sorree I dedn't you's spill chak. Alsow, I dedn't woree aboot the speeling assooming that u all were edoocated in publik skool.
Anyway, I just thought I might bring up 'the rest of the story'. Spelling is such a silly thing to worry about when I was trying to make a point about the other side. The hypocrisy exists on both sides of the aisle. Open your eyes to the lies of BOTH parties.
Hey, not all Homeschoolers are rightwing freaks.
I'm just sayin'...
Two: one to mix the martini and one to summon the help.
I can think of at least two:
One to look at a videotape of the old light bulb, and say, "I'm an electrician, and I can tell that the light bulb is not out. The light bulb is still on, and glowing."
And another to convene a special emergency session of Congress to intervene on behalf of the still-in-socket light bulb, in order to get the courts involved with preventing anyone from unscrewing the light bulb, and...
(there's more to this list, if you feel so inspired, please continue)
At 12:14 AM, Nestor said...
I'm not a republican, but I am a conservative and reformed Democrat.
So sorry. I apologize for thinking you might have voted for Shrub in either 2000 or 2004. Did you feel like you threw away your vote in 2000 when you voted for Nader? How about in 2004; did you just sit that one out?
None. They just yell "Darkness" and the Democrats run to do it!
From above:
"None. Republican's don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in airport bathrooms!"
Bwaaahahaha! Now THAT has some life to it!
Even better than the original punchline which someone above claiming Democrats can't tell jokes (wow, step out of the bomb shelter every once in a while and turn on TV) obviously missed.
The original punchline is obvious: the excuses mount, but the lightbulb never gets changed. They're just waiting for someone else to take over and change it for them.
question: How many Republicans does is take to screw in a light bulb?
answer: 9/11! 9/11!
nestor,
It doesn't matter what you claim to be a rethuglican or not if you parrot the corpulant dopehead's talking points. Çarter never blamed America for anything, he blamed bush. The fact that you can't see the difference between the two says it all, stooge.
George Bush: That information is covered under Executive Priviledge.
Dick Cheney: Fuck You.
Rudy Guilliani: One of my wives used to do that.
John McCain: My entire campaign staff has either quit or been fired, so I sit in the dark a lot.
Dick Cheney: Fuck You.
Mitt Romney: I was pro change before I was pro light, but then I changed my mind.
And Larry Craig with his wide stance couldn't stand on that stool to change the bulb.
None - the light bulb cannot be screwed in, then we can be kept in the dark while the government concentrates on "screwing" the people!
No, you all missed it...
In the true republican fashion, the lightbulb is burned out in the foyer with the 15 foot ceilings (Saudi Arabia) and the republicans change the lightbulb in the stove (Iraq) because they can reach it better. BUT they don't turn off the stove and burn their hands. But, did they... They stuburnly refuse to admit it was the stove that burned their hands and thousands of 'flying monkeys' cover the land testifying to the fact that all people change their stove lightbulbs without turning the stove off.
They then claim that the bulb in the foyer is perfect where it's at in spite of everyone bumping into the walls and furniture because it's so damn dark there...
Meanwhile, the light in the range hood starts flickering (Israel) threatening to short out and blow the main breaker. It's ignored.
The 600-billion dollar new bulb doesn't fit.
And of course, the lightbulb wasn't burned out in the stove...
Since removing a burnt-out light bulbs requires a turn to the left, I doubt if any republican could accomplish the task.
One RePig Bush holds the bulb and two DeMorats Peelosie , Hellary turn the stool counter clockwise {:-(
brilliant!
NONE; because everything Republicans do is done in the dark!
Awesome.
Since removing a burnt-out light bulb requires a turn to the left, I doubt if any republican could accomplish the task.
Point well noted.
"Anon" at 11:18 PM:
Very larry! And very funny. Thanks for the smile.
Hey Hey, we Democrats are desperate for some humor in these dark days, even bad humor! I see some Republican attacks on our sense of humor, made me laugh even more... Thank you all for lightening my day.
One to announce that the ladder used to screw in the lightbulb is now called the "freedom ladder".
one to
change the
neighbor's light
bulb
and steal his oil
heh...
"question: How many Republicans does is take to screw in a light bulb?
answer: 9/11! 9/11!"
Now that was funny, and true which makes it even more funny!" According to Giuiliani the light bulb burnt out because of 9/11. Romney would let the lawyers decide if the light bulb needed to be changed.
If it's dark now, it has always been dark; God created the burned-out light bulb and screwed it into the socket himself. This whole "lightbulbs burning out" thing is just a theory, after all.
62. is it an underage male lightbulb?
63. can i &%#@ it?
64. can i un&%#@ it?
65. can i deny i &%#@ it?
You forgot the "Swift-bulbers"!
Two. One reporter from the New York Times and one from the Washington Post to falsely claim that Al Gore said HE invented the light bulb.
...and yet another to proclaim that we're changing light bulbs over there so we don't have to change them here...
...and 287,432 to email you a message on how Ron Paul is the best qualified light bulb changer.
How about one to screw in the light bulb and then another one thousand to figure out the electricity was out
Republicans don't screw in lightbulbs. They screw in airport bathrooms.
But the real question is, "does the light bulb serve at the pleasure of the President???"
And one to blame liberals for the sun going down and making it dark in the first place.
You craven leftist vermin, you all need a reeducation camp for about six months to get your heads screwed on right. What twaddle.
REPUBLICANS don't screw in light bulbs...they screw in airport mens rooms.
Thousands dead, billions of dollars spent. The Democrats think it would be "foolish" to hold the light bulb changers accountable.
Who here really believes this is a two party system? The real joke is one us folks.
I would say that normally it takes only two in a light bulb. But if one is a republican, then it could be that one and all of the rest of the country.
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. There is no shortage of filament. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
One republican to attempt to pound the lightbulb into the socket with a hammer, and after it's broken into a million pieces, another republican to sneer that Democrats don't have a plan to fix it.
Nestor's need, along with that of many other thirty-percenters, to equate blaming Bush with blaming America is this perversely romanesque notion of a god-emperor who is synonymous with the country over which he reigns. In their poor, addled little heads, the land and the king REALLY ARE one.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They don't change light bulbs. They'd rather spend their time talking about how the Republicans are doing it wrong.
My how the times have changed. Note that all these folks that object to the content of this thread can't even own up to being Republicans. I'm sure Jesus would have forgiven you for being a Republican, however, I don't think he looks too fondly upon ppl casting their votes for a pair of murderous jag-bags like BC04.
Pack for warm weather in the here after friends;)
Cheney holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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