Tuesday, May 30, 2006

If I show I can write something as dopey as a Nino Scalia legal opinion, can I not have to go back to that [expletive deleted] job in the morning?


It's entirely a coincidence that on one and the same day:

(a) the new Roberts Court did a dry run of the reign of legal terror the new majority has in store for us with that no-free-speech-for-gummint-drones case, and

(b) I had just this really, really sucky day at work. I mean,the kind of day where all you want to do is tell those [expletive deleted]s what to do with their suckilaciously [expletive deleted] job.

Like I say, it's just a coincidence. But it's the kind of coincidence that makes you think. Makes you think, for example, "Like, man, how the [expletive deleted] do you get one of those [expletive deleted] jobs like Supreme Court justice?" As far as I can see, there isn't even, like, a test you have to take.

Oh, I remember when Justice Antonin Scalia was invented. Great legal mind. That's all you heard—great legal mind. Greatest legal mind since, I don't know, Perry Mason, "Bullet Bob" Bork, one of them guys.

Really, now, have you read any of these guy's legal opinions? Do I have to say any more? I could say plenty, but it would just lead to a free flow of expletives, and a possibly dangerous elevation of my blood pressure.

Whereas the people I work with, and especially for. Jeez, why don't you try it, why dontcha? I fantasize like a Twilight Zone episode where I wish them all dead and suddenly they all die, and it seems as if I ought to feel bad—only I don't.

But it's not just Supreme Court justices. What about all those Republicrooks who treat taxpayer-paid salaries as mere "walking-around money" while they busy themselves stealing every dollar they can get their sticky hands on? Not to mention all those free trips. Do you have any idea how long it's been since I took a trip?

I've also been thinking about think tanks. What's the [expletive deleted] deal with [expletive deleted]-in think tanks? I've got to ask, how the [expletive delted] does a person get one of those gigs? Like I keep wondering, do you suppose anybody has calculated how many right-wing rich guys' zillions were funneled through think tanks into the pockets of the neocon geniuses who cooked up the invasion of Iraq?

I'm here to tell you that I can think rings around those bozos. Not to mention that I would do it for a price that all those professional thinkers would consider too insignificant to be worth stooping to pick up. As a matter of fact, I figure that if I just cashed the check—however insultingly small—and did nothing but play computer solitaire and tetris all day, wouldn't I be making a considerably more worthwhile contribution to society?

Now, I don't know if it's customary to offer, like, ideas on spec for prospective think-tank "work." But I'm prepared to give one up for nothing, just to show how serious I am about this. (Serious, anyway, about not having to go back to that [expletive deleted] place tomorrow morning.)

OK, here it is: an American version of the British TV series Murder Prevention Unit. I haven't gotten to casting yet. I figure for that I should wait for the first check, and I mean waiting for it to clear. This is an idea, I'm telling you, that is better than the invasion of Iraq.

Alternatively, let's say I do go back to my [expletive deleted] job in the morning, and let's say when I get there, they're all dead. I don't think I'll feel bad. Sure, I'll have to make the coffee, but don't I usually? I pour myself that last yucky cup from the bottom of the pot and then put on a fresh pot that is of course drunk down to the bottom by the time I get back to drink from it.

The thing is, though, if by chance they are all dead, in case anybody should happen to ask, you'll tell them I was here with you all this time, right?


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