Sunday, December 23, 2012

Naked Bill O'Reilly . . . and My Five Wishes for 2013


Oh, the horror! (See No. 5 below.)

by Noah

[Yesterday Noah had predictions for 2013. Today he moves on to some wishes for the new year. -- Ed.]

1. A Bankster Gets His

A crossbow? An extra-large gigunda knife in the back thrown from ten feet? A crowd of über-angry middle-class machete-wielding citizens out for vengeful blood? A simple flaming pit suddenly opening up under Jamie Dimon's thousand-dollar shoes? Snakes on Lord Bankfiend's plane? To me any of these would suffice. All of them would suffice more. I think all of us must learn to give back. Does that make me a bad person?

2. Train Wreck Lives

I wish that when the train-wreck life of Lindsay Lohan, or whatever her name is, finally comes to its inevitable screeching splat, the media would completely ignore her demise; and I mean completely. Yeah, I know, ain't gonna happen. But enough already! Why am I supposed to care about this person, and who the hell ever thought she could play Liz Taylor in that stupid movie? No one can ever play Liz Taylor. No one even has the eyes for it, let alone the personality or the talent; so many morons in Hollywood, it's ridiculous. Who thought of this, and why do they have a job when so many people who actually have a skill do not? LiLo, my ass.

3. John Boehner Gets Stopped by Airport Security

His bag is opened, and it's filled with 63 of those little mini liquor bottles, one for every year of his miserable "destructive to us all" life -- and it's all captured on cell phone for the nightly news.

And I don't care if Eric Cancer is the one who put them all in the bag. He'll get his when Boehner tears off Eric the C's human façade, thus revealing him to be the six-foot cockroach in a suit that Boehner and the rest of sentient America always knew him to be. Mind you, what else would you expect a Republican House majority leader to be?

4. $enate Minority Leader Miss McConnell

Yertle the Turtle is revealed to have been the secret phone bidder who purchased J. Edgar Hoover's little black dress at a Sotheby's auction. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

5. Massive National Strikes

We all know that Republicans live to hate. One month it's gay folks, the next it's Muslims under the bed, or unions, women, teachers, latinos . . . . The party of angry white men spends valuable time blaming every group of humanity except the one that got us in this mess, i.e., angry white men. So, what's the cure? Shock therapy. As a means to an end, may I suggest that we take a page from the dreaded French and adopt a habit of going on national strikes until change is forced upon those who stand in the way of progress and decency?

Imagine if every Muslim in the country simply went on strike for a month. Here in NYC and in most major cities, you wouldn't be able to get a cab. Garbage would pile up in the streets even more than usual. You wouldn't be able to buy a magazine or Lotto ticket, not even the magazines that have what's-her-face from Friends on the cover every damn week. And the buses and subways would come to a halt. Root for your favorite NBA or NFL team? Forget it. Hockey would become America's national pastime (assuming there ever is hockey again). Is that what you FOX viewers really want? Jeez, hockey isn't even an American game. Why do you hate America?

And what about "The Gays"? How angry would those hoards of elderly and near-elderly suburban women who get bused into the city like mooing cattle to see a Broadway show every matinée afternoon get if Broadway went dark due to a massive month-long gay shortage? What would these women do with themselves? Idle minds are the Devil's playground. The mind darkens. You can't expect them to stay home and watch The View every day without something terrible happening, can you (with or without Whoopie)?

Maybe the best month of all would be the month when everyone who belonged to a union of any kind simply went on strike. Imagine the comedy that would ensue as boneheads like Chris Christie and the on-air crazies at FOX realized how much of their lives depend on union people. Damn, Neil Cavuto would have to actually work for a living. What do you mean the camera isn't working? Who's gonna fix my Teleprompter? Hell, they'd even have to do their shows naked, because their fresh shipments of Donald Trump-brand clothes would never be unloaded from the Chinese freighters.

Now that I think of it, the horrific thought of a naked Bill O'Reilly stuck for a month in the screaming "make it stop" minds of Americans just might be the breaking point that wakes up America, the thing so hideous that it shocks people into the action needed to make things right in our country again. It might even awaken the multitudes of corrupt dirtbags in DC. It could just be the impetus for real change in this country -- change we can believe in! All brought to you by Naked Bill O'Reilly. Now that's irony.

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