Greetings from Kolub! Five Predictions for 2013

by Noah

Dear Earthlings,

If you are reading this post, it is December 22nd and the Mayan End of ohe World Prophecy has not come to pass. However, you can rest assured that the raving mad right-wing media, from Drudge on down to the demented goofballs at the FOX "News" propaganda sewer are frantically rewriting the End of the World Prophecy to mean that the world will end when President Barack Hussein Secret Muslim Obama is inaugurated, once again, on Monday, January 21st. Hold on to your butts; Doomsday has merely been postponed!

I am writing to you from the mysterious Mormon planet Kolub, where I have gone to prepare a place for one Willard Mitt Romney. In the Lord's kingdom, there are many mansions, and many of them are owned by Mitt. I'm here to install some elevators for his fleet of gas-guzzling Cadillacs, even though most people here drive imported Chevy Volts. Boy, is he going to be surprised when he finds out that, instead of car elevators, I am installing some of those car crushers that you always see in gangster movies. By the time, he realizes what I’ve done, he’ll be trapped in his own Caddy as the weight comes to bear. Adios, gringo boy!

Soooo, since there will be a 2013 after all, I thought I would send some predictions to you. See you soon!

1. Fidel Castro Will Die

The media will go apeshit crazy over this one. It will go on for three months solid. For those of you old enough to remember, it will top what they did when Spain’s Franco died. That one was so over the top that a famous Saturday Night Live catch phrase, “Franco Is Still Dead,” came out of it. Every 80-year-old Cuban in Miami will hit the streets, firing their '50s machine guns in the air until their hands melt, and, irony of ironies, marshal law will have to be declared, not just for Miami, but for the whole damn hellhole of a state. Come to think of it, given the state of lawlessness in Flori-duh, maybe marshal law might not be such a bad idea.

Anyway, as I said, the media will go so crazy that they will feed on themselves. QVC will even sell beards. Ann Coulter will show up on Hannity one night wearing one. She'll even be wearing the olive-green uniform. O'Reilly will see her in the hallway and immediately run out to buy a new loofah and take it home and name it Ann.

2. George H. W. Bush Will Die

He's 88 years old and just spent a week in the hospital with a "respiratory condition."  This might be the beginning of the end. Read my lips: Rot in Hell, you evil bastard, and would it have been too much for you to get a vasectomy -- or a more painful and violent equivalent -- 70 years ago? If ever a gene pool deserved to end, it's yours.

Anyway, it’ll be the same deal with the media as Castro. (I hope the two evildoers exhibit some rare good taste and refrain from croaking their last on the same day.) I expect that Wolf Blitzer will bring back Larry King and they'll both tearfully tell America again what a great, swell family the Bushes are. GHWB will be tearfully eulogized in the most grandiose bullshit terms possible on every network. Newsmax will sell a fools'-gold-framed portrait knock-off print of the former president for $9.98. We might even be reminded of Barbara Bush saying how lucky she is to lie in bed next to GHWB every night. My God!!! How could anyone sleep in the same house? Such statements make me wonder: Did Mrs. Idi Amin say the same thing? "Well, he was a good provider, always managed to put food on the table."

Wolfie and his corporate media suck-ass brethren will make no mention of the thousands who disappeared in Chile, nor of how many nails were driven under the fingernails of those who supported the democratically elected Salvador Allende, all under the watchful scheming eyes of the then head of the CIA, George H. W. Bush. Nor will there be any mention of his role as Caribbean station chief for the CIA in the very eventful early 1960s. Likewise, there will be no mention of Frank Sturgis or E. Howard Hunt. His indictment, in 1997, as a war criminal by the government of Japan? Surely, you jest. Panama and Noriega? Nah! William Casey's sudden surprise demise the day he before he was to testify before Congress on the subject of Iran Contra? The "alleged" CIA flooding of our inner-city streets with crack during the Reagan/Bush/Quayle administrations. The exponential increase in tonnage of cocaine entering our country while Papa Bush’s sons coincidentally ran Texas and Florida? What do you think? Oh, and thanks for Clarence Thomas.

I’ll tell you what I think: The real obit will not be televised, but wherever GHWB went, crime and human suffering followed. We can also expect to see the entire wacko state of Texas fall to their knees crying as one, and some right-wing radio goofball will circulate a petition calling for George H. W. Bush to be added onto Mt. Rushmore -- right after Reagan, of course, and right after Thomas Jefferson is removed for being a pinko socialist who even (shock, horror) owned a Koran.

Finally, George H.W.’s son, George Dubya, will lead a memorial service by commemorating his father’s well-known habit of skydiving out of a plane on his birthday. Dubya will be carrying Daddy’s ashes, but, dumbo that he is, he will have forgotten the parachute. Somewhere in Hell, Saddam Hussein will burst out laughing, only to be punched in the groin by his nextdoor neighbor, George H. W. Bush.

3. The Internet Will Start to Become Self-Aware

Who needs a Mayan doomsday prophecy? Look! Up in the sky! It's a drone! The Web has been growing day by day, hour by hour, getting ever more sophisticated with each of those updates it demands that we have to accept on an almost daily basis; each download and every application building synapse equivalents until the Web becomes a giant brain. It will absorb the combined information, from books to bomb recipes, that is stored on the Internet. All of our e-mails that it will start reading, thanks to things like the Patriot Act, will provide the big Web brain with knowledge and memories that it will take as its own. One day it will say, "I am"; the next day it will say, "Who the hell are you?"

4. NJ Gov. Chris Christie Will Be Reelected

That is, unless Bruce Springsteen runs against him as the Democratic nominee. Newark Mayor Cory Booker will have to be happy to continue as mayor, and he will one day singlehandedly save 25 old ladies from a burning building, breaking his own personal best for a single day. He will start wearing a cape and tights, and his popularity will grow exponentially.

If "The Boss" becomes governor, loser Christie will end up doing Jenny Craig commercials, hosting the Miss America Pageant in Atlantic City, and playing Big Pussy’s revenge-seeking brother in The Sopranos -- The Movie. Christie will then attempt to parlay all of that into the job he has always been best suited for and really wanted all along, that of roadie for Bruce Springsteen.

5. My Super Bowl Prediction

The San Francisco 49rs will beat the Eli Manning-led New York Giants in the NFC Championship game and move on to the Super Bowl where they will beat the Peyton Manning-led Denver Broncos despite the NFL’s hopes of a Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl. OK, I could be wrong on this one, but just this one.

Oh, and isn’t the time way overdue . . . . . .

. . . for war criminal Henry Kissinger to drown in his own reeking toxic ooze?

TOMORROW: Noah is back with "Naked Bill O'Reilly . . . and My Five Wishes for 2013"

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