Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Noah Diaries 2011 (10): Birther news from America's new number-one nut state


Homo-haters hate "gay" identity, selling Altoona, Orange County weasels' "wit," mean Charlie Manson, and a war on Easter?

Without Altoona's railroad shops, once a crucial cog in our
industrial machine, could we have won WWII? (See 4/18.)

by Noah

4/17/11 -- Perhaps Iran and Arizona should just do one massive citizen exchange

You know, just trade places. Clearly, both places are stark raving insane. Two days ago Arizona proudly passed its birther bill. The bill is specifically designed with President Obama's Hawaiian birth certificate in mind. In other words, in the Arizona law everything that Obama's certificate doesn't say must be in whatever birth certificate a would-be candidate for office in Arizona presents. That, of course, includes President Obama when he wants to run for reelection. The idea is: If Obama's certificate doesn't meet the specifications that Arizona's nutjob lawmakers and their supporters already know it doesn't, he won't be on the ballot in America's new number-one nut state.

In a fit of leniency and generosity, the bill was amended at the last minute to say that a candidate could substitute hospital records or a baptismal or circumcision certificate. So if you want to run for office in crazyland, you might want to be a Christian and a man, if you can't come up with any hospital records. It gets pretty weird when Republicans want to know whether or not you 're circumcised. Is this something that all male Republicans find out about each other in some sort of ritual when they join up? They sure spend a lot of time worrying about what people do with their genitalia.

Under Arizona's new scheme, if Patch doesn't have his
birth certificate, a circumcision record will suffice.

But wait, there's more. When it comes to Republican concerns and obsessions about penises, there's always going to be more. It's part of being a Republican, after all. Now they are obsessed with the word "gay." The want to reclaim the word. They see it as being connected to identity, as in gay people actually having an identity, both as individuals and as a group, and Republicans sure don't like people having an identity. We've seen that with every civil-rights battle in our history. Having an identity means you're on your way to having a voice. At a hate-the-gays conference (officially an "Awakening Conference") this week at that dedicated "Christian" institution Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA, anti-gay activist Ryan Sorba exhorted his small audience to "stop using the word 'gay' " to describe the dreaded homosexuals among us. He doesn't like gay people using the word to identify themselves. He suggested "sodomy" and "unnatural vice" as proper Republican ways to describe homosexuals.

"Stop using the word 'gay'!" exhorts proud homophobe Ryan Sorba, not because he wants to reclaim a fine old English word but because it might give gays an "identity." Less than a minute later, though, Ryan says, "I don't believe that anyone is born [oops!] gay."

Let us remember that it was Liberty University's crackpot founder, Jerry Falwell, who blamed 9/11 on our acceptance of gay people. By the way, Jerry, I know you're dead now, but just what was it that made you so angry and uncomfortable whenever the subject of being gay came up? Why were you always so obsessed with gayness, "right" down to Teletubbies and Spongebob and who knows what else? You're dead but is Liberty U your continuing monument to denial of self and overcompensation? It's fascinating. The strength of your hatred carries on after your death. This is not the first time Liberty has breathlessly attempted to dehumanize gay people.

4/18/11 -- Selling cheap, real cheap!

Who knew you could rent a whole U.S. city for six weeks for $25K?

Pennsylvania is also a pretty strange, sad place. I've never thought much of James Carville, but he did get one thing right when he said that politically Pennsylvania is Philadelphia in the east and Pittsburgh in the west with Alabama in the middle. In that middle is a very right-wing mini-city called Altoona, much of which looks like it could be the setting for a bad Roger Corman horror movie. Altoona may be a college town, but Juniata College doesn't seem to be enough of an enlightened institution to make a difference. The City Council apparently thought a temporary name change would. For $25,000, they were willing to become POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold for six weeks, while Morgan Spurlock (of Supersize Me fame) films his latest opus, of the same name.

If the Altoona City Council had any sense, they would donate the money to the town's ailing railroad museum. Then people might have a reason, other than the college, to go there and spend some money. Like many towns in Pennsylvania, Altoona was once a bustling factory town of key industrial importance to our country. It was the place where the biggest and most important railroad in America built and repaired their equipment, including some of the most advanced locomotives in the world.

Without the Altoona Shops, it can be argued that we lose WWII. All those troops and tanks from the Midwest went through Altoona on their way to Europe, pulled by Pennsylvania Railroad equipment. The Nazis even sent a covert demolition team to blow up the nearby Horseshoe Curve, a four-track engineering wonder of the world that gave the railroad a way over the Allegheny Mountains. Altoona was that important.

Altoona was once a contender. Now it is represented by Dan Shuster, a far, far-right nutbag. Apparently no one in Altoona is asking "What has he done for us lately?" when they go to the polls. The place is pretty run-down. Seen better days. But Spurlock waved a mere 25 Gs in its face and the town did a collective "You really think I'm pretty?" The result: taking a paltry $25K for six weeks of the city's time. That's right, Altoona is now the equivalent of a $15 whore. Ain't no pride. The self-esteem done gone.

I wonder what Spurlock has in mind for a little town farther east called Intercourse, PA, or Blue Ball, for that matter. This could start a whole national trend! Fargo may be owed some back payments. You know, with the film world's penchant for remakes, Chicago could end up being called Inherit the Wind. I see Dallas one day renaming itself Debbie Does Dallas.

4/19/11 -- Obama was born a poor chimp child?

Yes, according to Orange County (CA) Republicans, who were born as weasels. Marilyn Davenport, the weasel in question, did apologize for e-mailing a photo to her fellow bigots that featured President Obama as a member of a chimpanzee family. The caption read, "Now you know why no birth certificate."

Davenport refused to resign.

I remember the 2004 Republican convention, when the Repugs all got flip-flops to illustrate what they thought of Senator Kerry. 2008 brought Republicans selling T-shirts with Obama looking like an ape eating a banana. For their 2012 convention, they're probably already stockpiling chimp masks.

Previously, another California Republican, Dean Grose, the mayor of Los Alamitos, e-mailed an image of the White House lawn depicted as a watermelon farm to his Republican friends.

4/19/11 -- Some people are just enigmas

When Charlie Manson (seen here turning 75, in 2009)
makes more sense than your average Repug . . .

Sure, except for that swastika carved in the middle of his forehead, Charlie Manson doesn't look like a Republican, but he did just call President Obama an "idiot." He even says:
I don't tell people what to do. They know what to do.. . . . [And] if they don't know what to do, they don't come around me, because I'm very mean, I'm very mean.
Well, that qualifies Manson for the Republican presidential nomination! They need look no further. They've got their man!

I believe the "mean" thing. It's one of the essences of being a Repug. As for not telling people what to do, Republicans always say that, right up until the moment they take office. Then the inner sadistic dictator comes out. But Manson also says he's worried about global warming and adds that Obama is a kind of a "slave to Wall Street." Insane? Yeah, Manson is insane. But unlike fellow crazies -- say, Gingrich, or Palin, or Romney, or Bachmann -- Charlie does come out with something coherent and relatively sane once in a while.

I remember back when the Manson Family committed their horrific crimes. I was a very long-haired music director at my college radio station in Nixon's Washington. Nixon had set a very dark tone for the country, but even so, the Manson crimes shocked a nation. There was an odd benefit, though: For a few months all those hate-filled, uptight, stuck-up Republicans backed off. To them, any one of us long-hairs coulda been another Manson coiled and ready to strike. I liked it when they'd move away from me at the airport or the grocery store or wherever.

It didn't last, though. It wasn't long before we saw manifestations of Nixon's feeling for family in places like Kent, Ohio.

4/24/11 -- Aha! He is a secret Muslim!

The president kicks off the 2011 White House Easter Egg Roll.

The Goon and Loon Party got its knickers in an automatic wedgie when President Obama didn't issue some sort of proclamation about the gloriousness of Easter. Never mind that neither did Dubya or Reagan in all of their 16 years of turning our economy into a mess and selling it to their Chinese buddies. To Fox Nation, Sean Hannity and the like, it was proof that Obama hates Christianity. Newsmax carried an "in-depth" report on why, something about his multicultural upbringing, a father from Kenya, etc. Suffice to say that most Repugs took this all as more evidence that Obama is a Muslim. Blah, blah, blah. Scum reporters on FOX failed to mention that Obama spoke about Easter in his Saturday address, held an Easter prayer breakfast, and even served as MC for the White House Easter Egg Roll.

Dubya held Ramadan dinners right in the White House, but there wasn't a peep then about him being a secret Muslim or in league with Satan or anything like that. Obama could do the stigmata bleeding thing from his palms and carry a cross down Constitution Avenue every Easter and Republicans would still moan and bitch about nothing, cheered on by the crackpot O'Reillys and Limbaughs of the world. Then they'd grab the cross and burn it on the White House lawn, and go to the Easter Egg Roll and push the kids out of the way, grabbing all the eggs and chocolate bunnies for themselves, before decreeing that the next time we have a real president, i.e., a Republican President, the bunnies will be made of white chocolate or, better yet, nice spongy air-filled marshmallow.


Don't miss the informative background -- including a bit of personal history -- shared by reader and Altoona native Pursang in the comments section! -- Ken

History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Yesterday: (9) Why do Republicans love the idea of royalty and all its trappings? Plus: Mob mentality, dumb in Dixie, water! water!, AP punked, Jesse Ventura makes sense!, Repugs & government, and more (4/3-15/11)
Tomorrow: (11) Birther nonsense is all about dehumanization: FOX's birther "experts" debate, nutters rage over Obama's choice of church, Big Bad Gov't except . . . , Repugs & Ayn Rand (4/27-29/11)


And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

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At 7:14 PM, Anonymous Pursang said...

I was born and raised in Altoona, finally getting out in the early 80's at the age of 22. There were no jobs with the shops and other manufacturing plants shutting down. To combat that the town decided to reinvent itself as a regional shopping center and we see how well that worked.

During this period, even though I was fairly young, you could see the town moving from Democratic Union leaning towards the Republican conservative idealogy that made the town repressive.

So the good paying railroad and other manufacturing jobs that were there were replaced with minimum wage fast food and retail jobs. The drugs followed and when I went back last year for the first time in a decade I didn't recognize the place.

Strip mall and after strip mall and just a horrid horrid place. It does draw the shoppers but all that brings is traffic and little that is positive. The only positive thing left, you can buy Mallo Cups at the factory store, or at least you used to be able to.

I will say that Juniata College isn't in Altoona but maybe 30 miles east. They do have a satellite campus of Penn State though. I went there and the locals were made fun of by the Philly snobs. But I got most of my college done there and if you ignored the Philly kids it was a nice little campus.

At 8:07 PM, Blogger KenInNY said...

Hey, P, thanks for sharing all that background and information about Altoona -- not to mention your own history with your hometown. That's really special!



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