Be sure to avail yourself of the unique one-stop services of John's Shoelace Emporium, in the little brick building with the crooked chimney over behind the parking lot next to the five-and-ten.
"I go along with Miss Ross to a degree. It seems like she and I drew the long straws."
-- contestant Benjamin Franklin
from Write If You Get Work:
The Best of Bob & Ray (1975)
The Best of Bob & Ray (1975)
Part 2
BOB: Men! Have you looked at your shoelaces lately?
RAY: Everyone else does! Are they dirty, frayed or lacking tips?
BOB: If so, why not stop by John's Shoelace Emporium and get a cheerful free estimate?
RAY: John will personally explain how his unique, one-stop service works. You simply come in, enter one of the little booths numbered one through two. John will remove your laces and wash them in hot sudsy water . . . then pat them dry on a warm Turkish towel.
BOB: Your shoelaces are then hand-ironed by a little old lady. If you need new metal tips, John will attend to that before returning them to you.
RAY: That's John's Shoelace Emporium, in the little brick building with the crooked chimney over behind the parking lot next to the five-and-ten.
BOB: The price for all this service? Only $5.75!
[Murmuring of the three contestants in background]
BOB: Here with our three regional champions, Miss Ross, Mr. Revere and Mr. Franklin, we are ready to go round in our second, deciding go-round in our Grand National Semifinal Spelling Bee. Our contestants are still bickering among themselves about the unfortunate fact that two of them drew hard words and one of them drew an easy word in the first round. Remember, for a right spelling . . .
[Tinkle of bell]
And for a wrong spelling . . .
[Buzzer]
Here we go with our second round, and our lady, Miss Betsy Ross, is first. Will you reach into the barrel?
ROSS: Here you are.
BOB: This time, Miss Ross -- and this is the deciding word for you -- your word is "propinquity" . . . a nearness.
ROSS [exasperated]: "Propinquity"! How come he got "who" and I get words like that?
BOB: You pick the words yourself, ma'am.
ROSS [angry]: What's it mean?
BOB: It means a nearness.
ROSS: Propinquity . . . P-R-O-P-I-N-G—
[Buzzer]
BOB: No, it looks like a "G" the way some people write, but it's wrong the way you spelled it. So I'm afraid you're out, Miss Ross, but our congratulations for putting up a good fight.
ROSS: I didn't put up any good fight, I'm just trying to save my skin.
BOB: Let's move to the regional champion from the South, being represented by a proxy, Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
FRANKLIN: I go along with Miss Ross to a degree. It seems like she and I drew the long straws.
BOB: Well, you did get a difficult word as opposed to an easy one for Mr. Revere in the first round. Let's see if you can do any better this time. You have chosen the word "proximity."
ROSS: That's a pretty difficult word, too.
FRANKLIN: Proximity . . . P-R-O-X-I-M-I- --
[Buzzer]
BOB: No, no, you were going to spell it wrong, I could tell.
FRANKLIN: L? B?
BOB: P-R-O-X-I-M-I-T-Y would be your word . . .
ROSS [interrupting]: What do you mean, you thought he was going to spell it wrong? You had that buzzer going before he had two letters out. I don't know what's going on.
BOB: If our West Coast champion, Mr. Paul G. Revere, can spell his word correctly, he remains . . .
REVERE [laughing]: They are some sore losers there.
BOB [with a laugh]: That's right, they are, Mr. Revere. You have chosen your word and if you can spell it correctly, that means you are the standard bearer, the champion of our semifinals, and will go on to our final round in New York. The word you have chosen is "far," the opposite of near.
ROSS [interrupting]: Wait a minute, are you related or what?
BOB: Go ahead, Mr. Revere, and please, Miss Ross, be polite.
REVERE: Far . . . F-A-R.
[Tinkle of bell]
BOB: That is right. I want to congratulate you, and I know that Ray does too. Tell us what you do, Mr. Revere.
REVERE: I own a theater out in Elmont.
BOB: One of the most popular ones in Elmont, I understand.
REVERE: We are certainly looking forward to you two fellows when you come out there.
BOB: We certainly appreciated the booking when we heard from you. Thanks for being in our semifinal spelling bee, and you'll go along to the finals, and I think your luck will be pretty good, Mr. Revere.
* * *
TOMORROW IN BOB AND RAY TONIGHT: "Lucky Phone Call" (plus "an encore presentation" of "The Cranberry Man"
RETURN TO THE BEGINNING OF THE POST
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