[8/23/2011] Bob and Ray Tonight: "Emergency Ward" (plus Bulletin No. 2) (continued)

"Nurse Rudehouse, the mere fact that we've been finding excuses to meet secretly in the intensive care unit doesn't alter our professional relationship. I'll make the decisions here, but not until this man has undergone several days of tests."

-- handsome young physician Doctor Gerhart Snutton

from Write If You Get Work:
The Best of Bob & Ray (1975)

[Dramatic theme music. Establish and under for]
ANNOUNCER: And now the United States Mint, one of the nation's leading producers of authentic new money, presents another thrilling story from the files of . . . The Emergency Ward.
[Theme music up briefly and then out]
SNUTTON: Greetings . . . and welcome. I am Doctor Gerhart Snutton, handsome young physician who has not yet established a practice of his own. Instead, I work in the emergency ward of a big city hospital. The emergency ward is a place where tense drama unfolds twenty-four hours a day. Take the other evening, for example. I was sitting in the office, anxiously scanning the report on my latest medical experiment, when my assistant, Nurse Rudehouse, turned to me and said . . .
RUDEHOUSE [falsetto]: Why do you always look so anxious when you scan the reports of your latest medical experiments, Doctor?
SNUTTON: Because carrying the burden of mankind's survival is serious business, Nurse Rudehouse. But I think I've made a major breakthrough. Yesterday, I injected germs of the common cold into sixteen charity patients. And would you believe that every one of them is sneezing and sniffling today?
RUDEHOUSE: Well, yes, I'd believe it. In fact, I don't see anything very thrilling or surprising about it at all.
SNUTTON: Nurse Rudehouse, if you want thrills and surprises, go to Disneyland. Medical science offers nothing but hard work.
[Sound: Door opens and closes]
MAN [very nasal]: Excuse me. Is this the emergency ward of a big city hospital?
SNUTTON: Yes, and I am Doctor Gerhart Snutton, handsome young physician who has not yet established a practice of his own. This charming creature at my side is Nurse Rudehouse.
MAN: Pleased to meet you. My name is --
SNUTTON: It's very hard to understand you, my good man. I wish you'd look at me when you speak.
MAN: I am looking at you, Doc. I just seem to be pointed off some other way because my nose is bent over to one side like this.
SNUTTON: Yes. I see now. And unfortunately, there are many possible causes of your illness that I'll have to check out before I can make a firm diagnosis.
MAN: Well, I know the cause. I had my nose pressed against a store window trying to read a price tag that was turned the other way. And I must have pressed too hard because I felt everything slip out of joint in there.
SNUTTON: I'm afraid that's not a very scientific explanation of what happened.
RUDEHOUSE: Well, it sounds logical enough to me. They're always turning price tags around in store windows so you can't read them.
SNUTTON: Nurse Rudehouse, the mere fact that we've been finding excuses to meet secretly in the intensive care unit doesn't alter our professional relationship. I'll make the decisions here, but not until this man has undergone several days of tests.
RUDEHOUSE: Well, that's silly. His nose is just out of joint.
SNUTTON: Stop jumping to unscientific conclusions. For all we know, his entire face could be starting to slip to one side.
MAN: Hey, while you people are fighting, do you mind if I look at the little babies through this window here?
SNUTTON: Do whatever you like. It'll take a while to fill out your admitting forms anyway . . . Nurse Rudehouse, I'll need a standard 5126 questionnaire and --
[Sound: Loud metallic boing]
MAN [natural voice]: Hey, look! I had my nose pressed up against the glass looking at the babies -- and it snapped right back to normal.
SNUTTON: Well, that's not too difficult for a doctor to understand. A dislocated nose often corrects itself when you exert pressure in the opposite direction.
MAN: Yeah. I can see that now. What do I owe you, Doc?
SNUTTON: Well, I hadn't actually begun work on your questionnaire. So I guess a dollar should do it.
MAN: Okay. Here you are -- and thanks a lot. Goodbye.
[Sound: footsteps. Then door opens and closes]
SNUTTON: Well, Nurse Rudehouse, my natural gift for healing has saved another helpless soul. So just write down in our case book: "Patient released -- cured."
[Bring theme music in under]
ANNOUNCER: And so another milestone in medicine is reached. Join us again soon when the United States Mint, makers and distributors of money, bring you more exciting drama from the files of . . . The Emergency Ward.
[Theme music up briefly and then out]

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TOMORROW IN BOB AND RAY TONIGHT: Part 1 of "Spelling Bee"


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