So You Don’t Like Socialism? Socialism Doesn’t Work, You Say? Then Please…

I hope someone shows this to Joe Biden and his speech-writers

-by Noah

The 2020 Republican Con-Vention is here. Already, their advertising is calling Joe Biden a "radical socialist" (I wish!). So, prepare for endless fear mongering about "Socialism!!!" In doing that, Republicans always deliver a tsunami of their brand of hypocrisy. By the end of this week's utter babbling insanity, that idiot Republican uncle or neighbor of yours will be whipped into a demonic anti-socialism fervor and trying to not only convince you that Joe Biden is a socialist threat but that any Democrat is. Republicans lack the mental capacity and critical thinking ability to realize that they partake of socialist concepts and perks every day. So, as soon as the Republican you might have the misfortune to have in your life opens his or her gaping demon sperm piehole, tell them to forgo their personal forays into socialism as illustrated by the following list.

Dear Repug,

1. If you hate everything that smacks of socialism, and you accepted one of those recent $1,200 stimulus checks or money to save your business that's tanking due to the effect of the Trump Virus, please return the money to the U.S. government immediately.

2. Don't you dare think about applying for any unemployment checks!

3. Stay off our Interstate highways. They are the result of a federally funded program and were a big fat socialistic accomplishment of one of our most "socialistic presidents," a Republican named Dwight Eisenhower who somehow became president without being blacklisted as a Communist by people just like you in another era chock full of ignorant sheep.

4. Do not complain if the snow on your street doesn’t get plowed as fast as you would like. Grab a shovel and start shoveling, but don’t ask your neighbors for money.

5. Do not enter a taxpayer funded and government protected city park or national park! Are ya sure such parks are for you? You don’t want to be a hypocrite, do you?

6. Do not drink or bathe using any water from a publicly protected water system. Dig your own well or, catch rainwater in buckets! And don’t let me catch you sneaking into a carwash with a back scrubber and shower gel!

7. Buy a generator. Please do not use any electricity that comes to your home via any electrical grid that is in any way built or protected by public funds. You can use gasoline, a donkey, a hand crank, or a dog team to power your generator, but, please no gasoline processed by a federally subsidized oil company such as EXXON.

8. Speaking of gasoline from federally subsidized oil companies, you may want to consider buying a pedal car or maybe just build one of those Fred Flintstone cars.

9. If a burglar is breaking into your home at 3:00am or any other time, please do not call the cops unless they are an all-volunteer squad. Accept no aid from police who are supplied and paid via taxpayer dollars. Yes, chances are your cops are socialists, whether unionized or not!

10. Ditto for anytime you need the services of a firetruck, or two, or three. And remember what I said about water. Put out your own fire and tough shit if your backyard well runs dry.

11. Does your county or town pay for the local rescue squad with taxes? If so, I suggest you bleed to death rather than call them.

12. Do not fly in an airplane anywhere in U.S. airspace. The FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) is just more of that worrisome government interference with your freedom to die in a flaming plane crash.

13. No flu shot for you! Center for Disease Control you know, or didn’t you? Oh, that’s right, you’re in favor of cutting the CDC’s budgets and voted accordingly. (See #19) Way to go, morons! Let’s have more pandemics. Pandemics sure are a bigly and tremendous heap o’ fun! Aren't they?

14. Please don't deposit your life savings in banks that are part of the Federal Reserve System. You don’t want your hard-earned money being protected in any way by public funds, right? Keep your cash under your mattress. Feel free to remove the tag.

15. Grow and raise your own food! Damn USDA!

16. Please do not avail yourself of anything that comes from scientific and or medical advances that have resulted from our federally funded space program. I know you think NASA is an evil socialist enterprise.

17. The taxpayer funded Federal Communications (FCC) grants licenses to television and radio stations and many of their employees, so stop watching your favorite TV show and listening to the radio unless it’s some clown talking to you from an abandoned missile silo with a 25 watt transmitter. We know that you don’t approve of Hollywood Liberals anyway, and you don’t like the fact that people who make your favorite shows belong to unions, and you don’t like your money going towards the broadcast of other shows that you don’t like and don’t want other people to watch. So please just entertain your family with a nightly Punch And Judy living room puppet show. And, no more QAnon for you. From now on, the only communiQues from Q will have to come to you via the voices in your head. I'm sure that will not be a problem.

18. Dear Trump supporter, how about you call the White House today and demand that your boy stop taking taxpayer-supplied government money for his real estate ventures? The Orange Menace is sponging off you.

19. No FEMA trucks for you! You’re on your own! If your community gets flooded or decimated by a tornado, please adhere to your anti-socialism feelings and pray to your god that FEMA never shows up to affront your goofball politics. Don’t worry, though, the president might come and sign your bible. Of course, Air Force One is publicly funded when you get down to the bottom of it, so, if you’re expecting your president to walk to your town, well, you might have a bit of a wait.

20. Got a case for the courts? That’s nice; just don’t even think about taking it to the U.S. District Courts, Appellate Courts or, the Supreme Court. Even the judges’ robes are paid for by we the people. Have you ever wondered what, if anything, those judges are wearing under their robes? I can think of one that might be wearing an “I Like Beer” t-shirt, and, we know Clarence Thomas is a porn aficionado, so there’s no telling what he’s got on under his.

21. Are you worried about the Coronavirus or the next plague that comes along? C’mon, tell us how you really really feel about Trump cutting the amount of your tax dollars that funded the Center For Disease Control? Yeah, I know, it’s all God’s will.

22. No public schooling for your kids! Absolutely none! But, chances are that if you don’t like socialism, you’re already homeschooling your kids without professional teacher interference so they can grow up to be as dumb as you are.

23. And no using the public library! Buy your “Left Behind” books on Amazon with your battery-powered or hand-cranked computer.

24. If your lights grow dim at night, have one of your dumbass kids go out to the backyard to whip the donkey powering your generator. If, hopefully, you don’t have any offspring, human or otherwise, maybe Sean Hannity would be willing to come over and walk around in a circle for a couple of hours. Tell ya what, I’d be willing to come over and whip him so he moves faster.

25. And, last but certainly not least: Please reject your right to Medicare and never, ever apply for Social Security or accept a Social Security check. Those programs are acts of Democratic Socialism, created and signed off on by people whose salaries, perks, protections, and, yes, even healthcare derive from your tax dollars. You wouldn’t want to be a hypocrite about those, too, would you?

Now, Mr. and Mrs. Republican, next time you feel the mindless, thoughtless emotional need to robotically spout off about a word you don’t even know the meaning or significance of because some idiot politician or TV hack wants you to make an ass of yourself just like he, she, or it does, shut your bleedin’ yapper! Oh, and message to any Democratice pols that may happen to read this. How 'bout you pick up where all of the above left off? I'm not holding my breath but maybe you could actually sojourn into the hood and out to poverty-stricken rural America and actually talk to "those people." If you did, they might even vote for you. Just a thought.