Trump Heads Off To Celebrate England’s Increasing Chaos (And Ours)

by Noah

I know lots of people like England and get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about the place. People who know me well know that I’m not one of those. To me, England is just some bizarre theme park celebration of centuries of drunkenness and inbreeding where thoughtless tradition and odious heritage are lionized on an hourly basis. To me, England is just an island Alabama or Mississippi, with a few castles thrown in for the tourists, along with some decrepit “stately homes” that serve as the physical, social, and moral equivalents of the south’s former plantation homes. At least the south bulldozed whatever former slave quarters survived all the decades of hurricanes. England turned “the help’s quarters” into oh so overly quaint Bed & Breakfasts.

I watched Downton Abbey hoping it would burn to the ground and take its supremely dumbass, ill-educated twit, Lord Crawley, Earl of Grantham, with it. He was the bigoted “stable genius” who thought “that Charles Ponzi fellow in New York has a lot of great ideas for investing money.”

If any of what I’ve said, so far, offends you, ask me how many fucks I give; and don’t expect an answer. I base my feelings about England on personal experience gained both from personally visiting the place and having to step over the endless passed out drunks of all ages on the sidewalks while trying to avoid stepping in endless puddles of beer vomit, watching people openly pee along the highways and, even more so, from working for two different English-owned record companies during my 40+ years of working in the music industry. It's a whole country of Brett Kavanaughs.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the musical and artistic contributions of the English. I count myself fortunate to have been able to positively contribute to the careers of several U.K. musicians, photographers, and other artists but much of their art came about as a reaction to their environment, which it should. Even those who celebrate England in their art usually do so with a pair of jaundiced eyes.

I even have English friends but they all moved here to get away from the place due to feelings that pretty much match mine. My primary ancestors had the good sense to leave as well, hundreds of years ago. They sailed west and south in search of a chance at a less oppressive future and an influx of fresh DNA. They found both.

It took me a while, but I learned to park my own prejudices and realize that, like many of England’s artists, what’s bad about England usually points back to the country’s plague of incessant die-hard upper-class twittery and the frequent attitudes of members of what the uppers look down upon as “lesser classes” who live to present themselves in a mode of upper-class pretensions. I’m reminded of one of my former employers who made a lot of money, bought a manor, ran weekend fox hunts, and sat his fat ass in his office during the week reading a racing form with his bare feet up on his desk while picking at his toes and barking out at anyone who could hear him to get him VHS recordings of horse races. The man had a thing for horses. Say no more! I’ve said enough!

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Soooo… The way I figure it. Trump heading off to England on the 3rd for a state visit and, ostensibly, a D-Day celebration at the invitation of the grossly incompetent, soon to be ex-Prime Minister Theresa May (whose name Trump still can’t spell correctly), is a natural even though Trump has criticized May for trying to prevent his and Putin’s beloved Brexit. After all, Trump’s also incompetent and he’s got all the mental illness that inbreeding begets even if his comes from a combo of bad parenting and syphilis. He’s also a natural bigot, and he wants to be a Royal: King Donald The First, and, like the British Royals, he even has plenty of Germanic blood and, like the Queen’s Uncle David (the former King Edward) has a history of holding a special place for Nazis in his heart. Trump will no doubt demand that the English handover Julian Assange for his own nefarious purposes of destruction of the free press and creation of a Trumpist totalitarian regime.

The Untied States-England alliance is now a meeting of the minds of the insane and woefully stupid. We may have different characteristics but everything wrong with England has its equivalent or counterpart here That’s most and best reflected in the dangerous low quality of the people that each country has voted to put into positions of leadership and authority.

While Trump is no doubt up to the standards of those in England who voted for Brexit and considered Theresa May to be Prime Minister material, Trump is not up to Queen Elizabeth’s barely higher standards. She reportedly wasn’t very impressed with Trump the last time he appeared in her midst and that appears, at least on the surface, to separate him from the majority of English voters. He even kept her waiting at their last meeting whichic I’m sure she found scintillating. Keeping the Queen waiting is a big no-no but hey, in Trump’s mind, he had to keep her waiting as a statement of “I’m more important than you and you’re a woman besides.” Her sister Margaret would have just kicked his ass, politely, of course.

This time, Trump requested to stay with his idiot family in Buckingham Palace. A man with his own pretensions, he wanted them to have the whole “Royal Experience.” That, apparently, is not to be. The Queen has turned down his request, conveniently citing “renovations.” Trump is fuming because the Obamas got to stay in the royal headquarters. You know that has to grate on what’s left of Trump’s mind, but he will get to have tea with Prince Charles (the Queen’s version of Trump’s bigly-toothed son Eric) and regale him with tales about “high ratings for his trip” and pussy grabbing ‘round the world.

Queen Liz may not be offering a room at the palace but she is committed to having the Trumps over for dinner. Lordy, I hope it’s Burger King. She can even give him a little greasy Burger King crown.

I’m sure Trump would love a tour of the torture rooms in the Tower Of London but there’s no word as to whether that’s in the itinerary. He’d have pictures taken for I.C.E. and Homeland Security, signed, too!

Many “commoners” have had a much better reaction to the Trump visit than the moldy upper crust types. The man who would be King Donald, his Whore of Slovenia, and whatever other fetid two-legged ooze they bring along to England will get a proper greeting in the form of an estimated over 1.1 million English protestors. Milkshakes are at the ready! The Brits use them the same way we use eggs when it comes to protests. The diaper-wearing “Trump Baby” blimps and balloons are bigger than ever before, inflated and ready to take to the skies of England; Scotland, too, of course. The Scots are not enthused. A statement from the Scottish government reads:  

We will not compromise our fundamental values of equality, diversity and human rights, and we expect these values to be made clear during the president’s visit to the U.K.

 Our Trumpanzee of a president is scheduled to see a bigly military display in honor of D-Day, which will no doubt inspire him to again call for his own military parade when he returns to Washington.

When P.M. May suggested the honorific of some sort of traditional gilt carriage ride for Trump (A gold carriage! Perfect!) and an address to Parliament; that really made waves. Many members of England’s Labor Party launched a petition to cancel the trip altogether. It was ignored of course. The trip was already postponed last year and the Nazi-loving powers that be in England thought hostility to the idea of a Trump visit would have cooled off by now. Nope. In fact, it’s grown. Says Nick Dearden of England’s Stop Trump Coalition:

It’s up to us, again, to say Trump is not welcome, and to make his visit as unpleasant as possible. We’re going to aim for maximum disruption.

Now, there’s a true patriot! How will it all end? Obviously, there will be much noise but eventually Trump will leave and sadly be allowed back in our country. Then, ironically, it looks like England will be finally shedding, or should I say, shredding, some of those old staid pretentions of being upper class, but, unfortunately, that’s coming in the form of Boris Johnson, Trump’s moronic, buffoonish English doppelganger, an asylum escapee poster boy and Putin tool, much like Trump, if there ever was one. I mean, just look at this guy.

Boris (How’s that for a Russian name?) Johnson is England’s Trump. He calls black people pickaninnies. He calls the people of Papua New Guinea “cannibals” and people from the Congo have “watermelon smiles.” Republicans here would adore him!





Boris Johnson looks like the kind of people you see in those photo compilations of Walmart customers. What he says and does is a cornucopia of toxic Trump and Russian-backed destruction. Like Prince Charles, he may look like the end result of the centuries of U.K. inbreeding but his supporters aren’t all of the upper class twit variety. That he is so well thought of by millions of Brits says more about poor education and brain damage caused by malnutrition and years of drinking cheep beer that might as well be turpentine. If he were an American, he’d be a threat to Mitch McConnell for the Republican Senate Majority Leader position at the least. He’d be every bit the darling of the Republican Party as much as Trump. I always maintain that drunk voting should be as illegal as drunk driving but, come to think of it, from what I’ve personally seen, both are not just legal in England but encouraged. England is done. Over. Hitler missed his dream by 80 years. He could have save his bombs.

Lastly, I don’t want you dear readers to think I’d end this post without offering a positive solution, a Grand Solution that could help both England and our country see a slim chance at a better future. I think England’s senile Prince Philip, the Queen’s 97-year-old husband, is the key! We’ve all been reading about is problems driving his cars lately. Reports are that the Queen’s staff has taken away his car keys and his driving license, and they’re keeping a very close watch on him.  He’s reportedly heartbroken that he isn’t allowed to get behind the wheel anymore but couldn’t they please, please, please make an exception for the Trump visit? C’mon! Let Prince Philip take President Trump for a ride, Boris Johnson, too… right off the beautiful and fabled white cliffs of Dover! The Prince could die a hero’s death! As a bonus, someone could stuff Nigel Farage into the trunk, or boot as they say over there. If that were to work, I’d be all for adopting a similar practice here. We have an endless list of trunk-worthy politicos of various stripes right here in the good ol’ USA.