My Nomination For New FBI Director: The One Who Knocks

-by Noah

How’s that for allegory? As soon as news came that President Crazy Pants, aka big orange traitor, aka Putin’s Butt Boy, had fired the man who he feared was getting too close to the truth, speculation as to what name would be issued forth from the bunker as a nominee to replace former FBI Director Comey ran wild.

The first two names I thought of, of course, were Rudy Giuliani and Chris Christie, but, my mind didn’t stop there. Interestingly, Howie presented a list of betting odds favorites from BetOnline.ag the other day and I had come up with very similar list. I think only David Clarke and Joe Pistol were not on my list of dubious probables. Paul Manafort, of course, is even more problematical than most of Trump’s inner circle in that he may end up in a federal penitentiary waiting for the arrival of some of the others. Ivanka would, no doubt, use the position to launch a new fashion line of FBI gear. And, Alex Jones would get so turned around twisted that he’d end up casting himself in his endless dark overlord conspiracies. Newt Gingrich is notably absent.

The betting odds list reads as follows:

• Mike Rogers 5 to 1
• Trey Gowdy 5 t0 1
• Ray Kelly 6 to 1
• Andrew McCabe 10 to 1
• Joe Pistole 10 to 1
• Dana Boente 12 to 1
• Michael Mason 14 to 1
• Jared Kushner 14 to 1

• Rudy Giuliani 16 to 1
• David Clarke 20 to 1
• Steve Bannon 20 to 1
• Paul Manafort 20 to 1
• Ken Weinstein 25 to 1
• Chris Christie 33 to 1
• Bill O’Reilly 33 to 1
• Alex Jones 33 to 1
• Ivanka Trump 33 to 1
• Donald Trump Jr. 33 to 1
• Arnold Schwarzenegger 50 to 1
• Kellyanne Conway 50 to 1

It’s a good list, for Trumpian purposes that is. It fits the need for a total tool, a sycophant, one who will essentially bury any and all investigations into all things Trump. But, it’s certainly not a list that would bode well for the future of democracy, our Constitution, and the country. It’s the kind of list any 2-bit dictator with fantastical delusions of grandeur would come up with. I, however, have a list of additional names. First, there are a few that I would expect Trump to have on his list; Bernie “Felonious” Kerik for one, or maybe one of Giuliani’s old mistresses that he allegedly parked in positions all around the city. I also thought that Trump, in trying to convince us that he’s not really a racist, might include Frederick Douglass, who he recently complimented, saying

Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice.

So, if Trump thinks people that have been dead for 122 years (even if he thinks they are currently alive) are worthy of special notice, why wouldn’t he consider Wyatt Earp or say, maybe at least an actor who had played Wyatt Earp in a movie, like Kevin Kostner. Kostner would also qualify in Trump’s dysfunctional severely mentally ill mind since he once also played Eliot Ness in that “The Untouchables” movie. We know how much Trumpinsky loves celebrities. It’s only natural that he’d go in this direction, “Hollywood Elites” or not. Sooo, I’m going to follow this line of “thinking” help Trump out here. I’m nothing if not patriotic.

First off, David Duchovny comes to mind. Duchovny even has the advantage of a Russian surname. Surely, Vlad the personal impaler would approve. There’s that X-Files thing, too. Duchovny played FBI agent Fox Mulder. Trump would naturally be attracted to anyone named Fox. The current White House is also very like an X-Files episode, too, what with freaks like Kellyanne, Stephen Miller, and that thing in the bushes named Spice Boy.

Why not Gillian Anderson who played Fox’s partner Agent Scully? She’s a hottie and has orange hair! Nah, it wouldn’t work. He’d make a move to grab her by the pussy and she’d kung-fu him to the ground, complete with a couple of broken bones in a nanosecond. I’d pay good money to witness that. At this point, enough money could be raised by worldwide pay-per-view sales for such an event to pay separated at birth crazy twins Trump and Kim Jong-un to go away and get out of our lives for good. They could both share a room in an asylum and we’d be happy to pay the cost.

But, the real X-Files guy to consider is Director Skinner (Mitch Pileggi). Unlike Fox, Skinner knows his way around politics and even knew how to beat the rancid evil of “the smoking man”. If you can do that, you can beat Trump. Skinner has the skills!



There are other possibilities, of course. Take Bruce Willis, star of those Die Hard movies. He’s a Republican and, what’s more, he has an orange suit and a product Trump will appreciate.



Sure, I also thought of Vin Diesel, Chuck Norris, Stephen Segal, and even Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry Callahan. I would love to see Columbo go after Trump but, hey, Peter Falk is dead. Lt. Frank Drebin would push Trump right over the edge, but, alas, Leslie Nielsen is also no longer with us.

So here it is: Really. Who can top Breaking Bad’s Heisenberg, aka Walter White, mild mannered high school chemistry teacher gone wrong as a meth-cooking kingpin; played by the brilliant Bryan Cranston. Think about it. Isn’t a meth kingpin right up Trump’s alley? Meth is obviously the main sustenance of Trump supporters all across this great land where nothing says Trump like a beer, a bucket of KFC and a snort of “crystal blue.”

Heisenberg knows how to kick ass, get his way, and really get down to the bottom of things, in every sense. He’s got the tenacity. He’s got the smarts. Republicans might not like him because he knows that science stuff but, he is the man! The man for the job. To our advantage, he can stare down Trump and make him say anything, including his name. He has no fear. He is…The One Who Knocks!

Of course, none of this matters, simply because President Crazy Pants doesn’t want someone who can actually do the job that America needs done. He’s proven he wants the opposite of that and nowhere does he want the opposite of that more than in the case of a Director of the FBI whose job should include investigating corruption and treason. Congress obviously feels likewise. Trump sure doesn’t want anyone that could stare him down. Like I said, he wants another sycophant, someone who will swear loyalty. That, apparently is where Comey went wrong and lost his gig.