Revisiting the line of so-called-presidential succession
The Man of Orange and our next man in
Vienna, Patrick Park -- Nos. 45 and 46?
Vienna, Patrick Park -- Nos. 45 and 46?
And on it goes -- yadda-yadda, more of this so-called-journalistic nattering. If you really want to read it, and/or check out the links, you'll find it here. It's like these so-called journalists have nothing better to do with their time, all the while that So-Called President Trump and his team are toiling to Make America Great Again.
Michael Flynn and Donald Trump arrive at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa last week to visit the US Central Command headquarters.
It's too soon to say that the wheels are coming off the so-called Trump administration, even if it's looking more and more like a succession of Keystone Cops shorts, which might be hilarious if this wasn't the officially empowered so-called government of the world's one and only remaining superpower.
Still, I was relieved to discover, via some behind-the-scenes DWT e-mail chatter, that I'm not the only American who's been pondering the constitutionally established (as, of course, constitutionally revised) presidential succession.
Obviously thought of the succession has to being with So-Called Vice President Pence, but can that really happen? Not because the Unspeakable Pence is an extreme-right-wing crackpot, which is constitutionally permissible (cf. R. Reagan and G.W. Bush). Not even because of the overwhelming likelihood that he's not only a seriously pickled alcoholic but a deeply closeted homosexual and, therefore, because of his deepy closeted status, highly subject to blackmail. No, the fatal obstacles to his succession can be found in the extensive Russian intelligence reports, just as soon as Bannon and Preibus can work out who's sitting on the files.
It could be, in line with a suggestion by our Noah, that those files are actually in the possession of So-Called House Speaker Paul "The Rat, and Not Just the Gym Kind" Ryan, who's way far up in that constitutional line of succession. Just watch and see if, when the so-called president finally resigns, the so-called vice president doesn't announce that, much as he'd like to oblige by assuming the office of the so-called presidency, his extensive commitment to attending Fuck Those Goddam Homos rallies all over the country make him unavailable for the job.
SO WHO DOES THIS LEAVE TO TAKE OVER
THE REINS IF/WHEN THE TIME COMES?
Don't bother dusting off your copy of The U.S. Constitution for Dummies, because the information it contains is only tedious but seriously out of date. Or perhaps you were part of the multitude of Trump-haters whose attention was diverted by the hullabaloo over the so-called president's announcement that from now the official language of the country will be Swedish and from now on underwear will be worn on the outside -- diverted, that is, from that day's official announcement of the New Rules of So-Called-Presidential Succession, which was scrawled on the "Official Stuff to Announce" whiteboard of White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer's office.
"Wait just a darned second!" you say? "The so-called president doesn't have the constitutional authority to change the order of so-called-presidential succession!" Perhaps you missed the announcement, "published" on the "Official Stuff to Announce" whiteboard of the chief Supreme Court spokesperson, of the opinion by Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch? To the effect that "From now on, whatever So-Called President Trump says goes"?
"Now wait just another darned second!" you say? "What's this about 'Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch'? There haven't even been confirmation hearings on his nomination yet, let alone confirmation."
Once again, you probably allowed your attention to be diverted the day attention was focused on Judge Gorsuch's nattering about So-Called President Trump's slams to the body of the U.S. judiciary. Because that was the day the White House announced that Judge Gorsuch was "assuming the position," and that while the formal wheels of confirmation grind relentlessly on, the newest justice will fill his time by writing opinions both on cases that are pending on the Supreme Court docket and on cases that haven't yet been formally placed on the docket, which will be decided by the new justice's assumption about how his eight colleagues would vote.
Most of these cases will have been decided, of course, by a 5-4 vote, but a surprising number will have been decided by a unanimous 9-zip vote. Among the latter was the decision in Trump v. Nattering Naysayers, wherein Justice Gorsuch, writing for the unanimous Court, ruled, "What So-Called President Trump says, goes," with the qualification that the ruling -- in the tradition of the one in Let's Make Tiny George Bush President v. the U.S. -- applies only to the present case, and especially doesn't apply to any possibly "Democrat" future president, who will be officially described as "overreaching" and "tyrannical" anytime he or she attempts to exercise any "Democrat"-imagined powers of the presidency.
OKAY, OKAY, BUT WHERE DOES THIS LEAVE
THE SO-CALLED-PRESIDENTIAL SUCCESSION?
Glad you asked. With the so-called vice president officially eliminated from contention, and nobody remembering who exactly the Senate candidate is supposed to be and the idea of a So-Called President Paul Ryan patently ridiculous, who's left on that magical day when the ancient Henry Kissinger is invited to the White House to fulfill his traditional role as Observer of the Forced-Out President Bouncing Off the White House Walls?
1. Vladimir Putin. [Disclosure: This was our Noah's thought, herewith shamelessly stolen. -- Ed.]
2. Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen -- ha-ha, just kidding!
2. The so-called president's personal trainer -- ha-ha, kidding again!
2 for real. The so-called president's most-nearly-as-morbidly-obese adviser -- ha-ha, not kidding this time!
3 and 4. The outgoing so-called president's smart daughter and son-in-law, the order to be determined by behind-the-scenes means known, in the interest of marital privacy, only to the participants, the one stipulation being that, regardless of the outcome, all so-called-presidential appearances will include pitches for the smart daughter's product lines.
5 and 6. The outgoing so-called president's grown idiot sons, the order to be determined by a round of rock/paper/what's-the-other-one?
7. The outgoing so-called president's present wife -- but wait, she's a woman, and we can't have that, can we? So scratch this one.
7 (again) and up. The outgoing so-called president's former and future wives, the order to be determined by a round-robin series of mud-wrestling matches. Yeah, these are women too, but isn't this the way we want to see 'em?
Backup alternate. How 'bout that guy who's apparently going to be our ambassador to Austria on account of he's seen The Sound of Music 75 times? "I know every single word and song by heart," says Patrick Park -- sounds like a winner to me!
UPDATE -- A ROSTER OF TOP-TIER CANDIDATES
I didn't see this dispatch from Noah (in response to my mention that I was contemplating concocting a post more or less like the one you see above) in time for inclusion in the original post. As I've now discovered, he proposed some splendid candidates:
Well, there's a whole host of possibilities who think they are the chosen one for the job. Each just as crazy as Trumpy:Commenter Hone has already pointed out that Melania is ineligible by virtue of her country of birth, and this stricture would apply to several other of Noah's and my candidates. But as I pointed out in response, this limitation could be limited to the old-fangled Constitution.
That nut in North Korea
Alfred E. Newman