Maybe we should be looking into the underwear of the gathering Team of Trumpadoodles
Abraham Lincoln famously had his "Team of Rivals" surrounding him in his administration, and Barack Obama had his. As the Team of Trumpadoodles fills out, are we looking at a team of Woody Harrelsons, or Idris Elbas, or Channing Tatums, or . . . ?
We all remember back when President-elect Obama was assembling his Lincoln-style "Team of Rivals," don't we? (And in the process stripping possible Democratic alternative voices out of the Senate and wherever else they might have been hiding.) Now it's eight years later, and we're going through something, well, not exactly similar, as we watch the gathering of the Team of Trumpdoodles. As the names of the anointed keep streaming -- or leaking -- out of Trump sources, and the rap sheets pile up, it's tempting just to write these people off as the prospective cast for a new reality-competition TV show to be called Worst People in America. But that would be unsatisfyingly unspecific. Don't we want, even need, to know more about the new power players' specific worstnesses?
UH . . . MAYBE YES, MAYBE NONaturally this hope for a deeper understanding of the Trumpadoodles was uppermost in my mind as I clicked through to and then perused a Thrillist piece entitled "What a guy's underwear choice says about his personality," by Gigi Engle, who explains upfront:
Do I really want to know more? Personally, I've been finding my Unbearability threshold increadingly tested by, say, the news that our new secretary of state would be straight from the very top of ExxonMobil just as I was finishing the second article of a pair by David Kaiser and Lee Wasserman, respectively president and director of the Rockefeller Family Fund, in the Dec. 8 and Dec. 22 issues of the New York Review of Books, detailing how -- as a contents-page blurb puts it -- "For decades the company deceived the public about climate change."
In a time when dating is so utterly confusing and complicated, we ladies need all the help we can get.Admit it now, when you look at, say, Ben Carson or Rick Perry or any of The Donald's Private Generals, you'd just love to know whether you're looking at:
We've got to decode and understand a man's every move. A guy is the summation of his choices -- even the smallest among them. And a lot of clues about him might be right in front of you… in his underwear drawer. [FYI: This link is to a piece, by another expert, called "Boxers, briefs, or commando? A urologist weighs in." -- Ed.] From boxer briefs and tighty-whities to thongs or going straight-up commando, a guy's underwear choice actually says a lot about his personality. [FYI: This link is to a piece, by yet another expert, called "There are only 8 types of NYC relationships. These are those 8 types." -- Ed.] Here's how to debrief his briefs.
• "a classic kind of all-American dude," who "doesn't like to stray from what he knows or what is comfortable," who "can handle a strong woman because he's an easygoing guy," who's "chill" and not "fashion-forward or full of himself," who's "a straight-talking guy with more important things to worry about than fashionable underwear" and "likely doesn't even think much about his clothes at all -- he's too busy figuring out how not to pay his student loans from that private college he went to."
• "a cool dude who may not quite know what he wants out of life . . . because life is a winding road," who's "into what is cozy and snug," who's the kind of guy who will open up to you about his darkest childhood memory, when he fell out of a tree and his dad told him not to cry and be a man," who's "sensitive, OK?," and "unafraid of his emotions and passions and wants you to know he's good with that," who'll "bring you coffee in bed and give you head before going on a five-mile run," who's "a multitasker and a talker" and "isn't afraid to rock skinny jeans" and "certainly isn't worried about what anyone thinks of him," a dude who "is too busy at band practice. Do you love his band? He wants you to love his band."
Or . . . or . . . well, gosh, these are just a couple of the possibilities. And I'm not even going to tell you which underwear type these profiles refer to. You'll have to consult the source for yourself.
Or to put it another way, when you look at one of the Trumpadoodles, do you see a man whose "celebrity doppelganger" would be Ben Affleck, David Beckham, Idris Elba, Channing Tatum, Dennis Haysbert, or Woody Harrelson? you would already know this if you know the dude's underwear preference -- respectively, standard boxers, boxer briefs (standard, short), boxer briefs (standard, long), tighty-whities, Aziz Ansari, thong, jockstrap, and commando.
NO DOUBT YOU'LL WANT TO KNOW MOREIt did occur to me while I first skimmed the piece that its, um, outlook on male underwear is, um, confined to straight males, which perhaps accounts for its -- shall we say -- incongruity with my experience, and which might limit its more general applicability. Then again, this by itself wouldn't overly limit its applicability to the Trumpadoodles, would it?
RE. GIGI'S CREDENTIALS FOR THE SUBJECT
I can pass on the following information: "Gigi Engle is Thrillist's Sex and Dating staff writer. For Gigi, the best dudes wear regular boxers, but the best lays wear briefs." Anyone who wishes to "follow her lovable crazy" on social media is directed to the site for appropriate links.