What Political Debates Would Look Like If I Was In Charge

-by Noah

Intro: Ok. The last presidential debate is over. Done. Like anyone else with at least half a mind (Yeah, I know that leaves out Rudy Giuliani and others). I am disgusted with the whole enterprise. With that in mind, I thought I would benefit mankind by drawing up a plan for how political debates would run if I were in charge. Here you go: 14 steps to a more sensible approach to our political debate process. Says who? Says me!

1. All debates would be held in a court of law. There would be background music as the show began. This music could be faded up and down throughout the proceedings at the discretion of the moderator. The music will be by Ennio Morricone. The intro to the show would feature the theme to “The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly.”

2. All participants would be under oath.

3. Audiences would be small in number. I envision a Grand Jury size panel of 30 citizens chosen at random.

4. All audience members would wear uniform generic clothing so as not to give any indication or their economic status or fashion sense. Jeans are suggested. T-shirts are also suggested but they would be plain. No symbols. No pictures. No words. Also, no jewelry is allowed. No watches to be worn. No visible tattoos.

5. In addition, all audience members would wear black, execution style hoods.

6. The debate participants can dress as they please. This, in itself, can be revealing.

7. All participants should be identified with their full names, including what their mob nickname would be, even if, by some chance, they are not known to be associates of any crime syndicate, corporate, mafia, or otherwise. Some suggested examples follow:

• Rand “Paulie White Hoods” Paul
• John “Johnny Drinks” Boehner

• Scott “The Pension Graber” Walker
• Hillary “Hill The Shill” Clinton
• Rick “Ricky No Brains” Perry
• Rick “Mr. Rogers” Santorum
• Elizabeth “Fuck You Wall Street” Warren
• Donald “The Bankruptcy King” Trump
• Mitch “Nancy Boy” McConnell
• Newt “The Flab Curtain” Gingrich”

8. I strongly feel that the first question is all-important in setting the tone. The first question would be: Have you ever paid for, or had, an abortion? Forget the old, outmoded questions about military service. More and more of our politicians seem to be of a class that does not go to the battlefield anyway. The reasons for that are worth discussion but the issue of military service is no longer number one. Neither is the old “Did you ever smoke pot?”

In America today, subjects such as immigration, and gun rights elicit strong passions on all sides but nothing tops the abortion issue. Time and time again, for Trump supporters (and Clinton’s), their vote comes down to the Supreme Court nd the implications regarding Roe v. Wade.

Abortion is now the biggest motivator of today’s single-issue voters. Since, for example, there are many Trump supporters that are willing to forgive any insanity on the part of their guy, as long as he states an anti-abortion stance, it would be useful to know what any candidate’s past is in relation to this issue.

The answer a candidate provides would best be the truth since a lie could be, whether likely or not, contradicted by a person who received that abortion coming forward with the medical records to prove it. The documentation could even show up in the hacking of a hospital’s or clinic’s records. Considering how volatile this subject is, lying about it would be a very big gamble. So, if a candidate is going to make abortion a central issue of their campaign, let’s hear it. Answer the question. Yes or no. How many times might also be relevant.



As it is now, we have a situation in our society, where a political party could nominate The Zodiac Killer for President and The Zodiac Killer would get millions of votes as long as he pledged to nominate justices who were in favor of overturning Roe v. Wade. Donald Trump himself has said that he could murder people on New York’s Fifth Avenue in broad daylight and his followers would still vote for him. Trump supporters are rationalizing their vote for him based on his abortion stance, even though they don’t like other things about him, saying things like “God sometimes uses bad people for good reasons.”

9. All candidates must submit to a full physical and mental examination before being allowed to participate in any debate. The results will be publicly revealed in the debate pre-show.

10. Likewise, complete tax and financial records going 40 years back shall be a qualification for being in any debate. This stipulation will be known as “The Lord Tiny Hands Rule.”

11. A genealogy going back to the candidate’s great-grandparents must be submitted and authenticated. This is not to question whether or not the candidate is a legal citizen. But, if the candidate is making questions of immigrant documentation a cornerstone of their campaign, we should know, just as we should know the answer to my proposed abortion question, what level of hypocrisy we are being fed. The same rule should apply to a candidate’s spouse, significant other, household help, car mechanic, restaurant staff at the candidate’s favorite eatery, dry cleaner, etc.

12. Stagecraft: The stage settings and designs for our current debates are absurdly boring and pointless. They have nothing to do with what is going on. Therefore, the back wall of the stage should be one large screen on which scenes from spaghetti westerns, Gunfight At The O.K. Corral, Being There, Rodan vs. Godzilla, Network, Leave It To Beaver, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, Wizard Of Oz, and others will be shown at the appropriate time, to match up with what is said by the individual candidates as they speak. Clips of politicians meeting with K Street lobbyists, along with FBI sting clips of politicians taking bribes should also be considered for use at the right moments.

13. All participants will be hooked up to lie detector machines and results will be shown, at the TV screen bottom, in real time. Let us watch those needles fly! Participants will also be hooked up to a taser-like device that can be activated by the debate moderator if the question asked of the participant is not being answered directly. Deflection, or subject changing will not be tolerated.

14. I will be the moderator.

Post debate: Instead of the circus of spin rooms; under my plan a period of vigorous cross-examination will ensue. Each candidate can choose one prosecuting attorney to question their political rivals. No more post debate cloying, pandering Chris Matthews or Wolfie what’s-his-name. No more completely insane nihilism from Sean Hannity.