The Men Who Live As Dogs

-by Noah

I’ve heard of women who think all men are dogs. Even Hillary Clinton famously once said that her husband was a “hard dog to keep on the porch.” So, when my wife sent me this article from England’s Guardian newspaper today about men dressing up as dogs and going about their day, naturally, my ears perked up.

It seems that in England, there are more than a few men who like to take being a good little doggie to bold new dimensions; literally donning rubber doggie suits and plastic dog face masks to dress up as dogs-- big, life size human dogs or “Human Pups,” to use the proper terminology. Read the article. Better yet, if you are extra curious, there will soon be the release of a documentary on the subject called “The Secret Life Of The Human Pups.”. To quote the Guardian’s article-

Secret Life Of The Human Pups is a sympathetic look at the world of pup play movement that grew out of the BDSM community and has exploded in the last 15 years as the internet made it easier to reach likeminded people. While the pup community is a broad church, human pups tend to be male, gay, have an interest in dressing in leather, wear dog-like hoods, enjoy tactile interactions like stomach rubbing or ear tickling, play with chew toys, eat out of bowls and are often in a relationship with their human ‘handlers’.

Far be it from me to be judgmental. After all, there are far, far worse things to be. I don’t have to name them but, having worked for four major corporations, I can tell you that the halls of our glass towers are rife with much dog-like activity, complete with an alpha male or (once in a while) alpha female in the corner office. There is lots of panting, eager to please lapping, rolling over, begging for treats, and most of all butt sniffing, lots and lots of butt sniffing; and don’t forget the quizzical, ear-twitching blank stares or those who just don’t get it, whatever it is. So, at least these Englishmen who dress up as dogs are being a little more honest about who they really are.

In fact, although this activity seems quintessentially English-quirky to me, it’s just another form of happiness-inducing escapism from one’s office job or the other tedious or mundane aspects of one’s life. One man, Tom, a theatre engineer who was interviewed for the article says as much when he says of his puppy time, ”You’re not worrying about money, or food, or work.”

For Kaz, another pup in the article, being a pup is more than just a fun mask. It’s how he identifies. It’s who he see himself as.

Even when I worked in PC World, I would sometimes walk up to people and nip at their shirt. I got in trouble once. Someone walked into the PC repair centre and I had part of their dad’s computer in my mouth. But other staff knew I was like that to everyone. They didn’t find it weird.

Of course, they didn’t find it weird. It happened in England! England is where weird was invented! I’m a big fan of Monty Python and I’ve always said that those genius Monty Python guys were just writing about what they saw every day, all day. Two of the companies I worked for were English. I know this first hand.

I can’t imagine nipping at your co-worker’s shirt would go over at a PC World computer place in America, and, certainly, ol’ Kaz the dog should not bother applying for a job at Chick-fil-A or volunteer for a Republican Party job any time soon.

But, being a natural born Snark, I do have some questions to pose. These questions came to my mind as I read the Guardian’s article. The first three are especially relevant given the current Republican obsession with all things urination. Here goes:

1) Where do people who self-identify as dogs pee?

2) Can they use human rest rooms, or must they pee on fire hydrants?

3) If they can use human rest rooms, which ones?

4) When traveling, are they restricted to flying only in the cargo compartment?

5) Would Mitt Romney tie them to the roof of the family car?

6) Eating: Do they live on Alpo and, if so, are they getting proper nutrition?

7) Has their sense of smell vastly improved?

8) If they shit on the sidewalk, must their “masters” pick up after them?

9) Are the British Queen’s famous corgis real dogs or just royal relatives in puppy costumes?

10) How long before there is a restaurant in some posh London suburb that caters to human pups?

I may not wear dog-like hoods or masks but I myself often eat from a bowl. I play with my toys. I have more than a few leather jackets and, I’m certainly in a relationship with a human handler. At least, I’m sure that’s how she looks at it. So, live and let live; dog years or human years.