Thursday, December 17, 2015

2015 In Review: The Introduction-- It's Republican World!


By Noah

Introduction: Being A Republican Is A Choice.

What is Republican World? It’s not an amusement park. We are definitely not amused. No, Republican World is a hideous freakshow that half of the country’s population has chosen as a lifestyle. It’s a lot more than the insanity of Trump, Carson, Cruz, Rubio, Bush, Fiorina, Huckster and the rest of the party’s bizarre collection of miscreants running to be the party’s nominee for president. It’s an alternate universe of the mind that still, somehow, enables them to exist in the same time-space continuum as the world that normal, more well adjusted people live in.

Perhaps, if a normal person wanted to explain to a visitor what Republican World is, that person might tell the visitor to tune into any one of the fabulous Republican Party debates where they can see and hear a collection of 10 to 17 of the nation’s most prominent freaks; The Chosen of Reince Priebus, if you will. These are the people that Republican voters want to represent them in a contest for the nomination for the highest office in the land. Eventually, they will settle on one lucky winner, or, maybe two, if Republican World splits in half.

Make no mistake; these 10 to 17 freakazoids are not the only freaks. Regardless of which freak gets the Republican nomination, there will be over 45 million fellow freaks who vote for that freak. While doing that, they will also take advantage of the chance to vote for other freaks who are placed all over the ballot; freaks like Louis Gohmert, Steve King, Trey Gowdy, Darrell Issa… The list is a seemingly bottomless Cornucopia of Kookdom.

One could also watch any given 15 minutes of FOX News or listen to Michael Weiner Savage, Rush Limbaugh or any of the completely certifiable Republican hate radio people, politicians, or other Republican spokespersons. Hear them all as they recite the list of Republican Hall of Fame Hits of 2015, all brought to you by the hot new Republican product, Muslim-B-Gone! Now available in aerosol spray or specially engineered non-bio-degradable liquid!

1. No Minimum Wage!

2. Break up immigrant families no matter what the cost!

3. Benghazi!

4. Ban Harry Potter because Dumbledore is gay, and, witches! Satan! Satan!

5. Benghazi!

6. Obama is pro-Muslim! Obama is Muslim! And he’s not a leader!

7. Round up gays and execute them!

8. Benghazi!

9. Close clinics! Hunt down abortion doctors!

10. More Guns! More Guns! Bigger Guns! Canons for all!

Don’t forget 2015’s Republican Golden Oldie Of The Year!

11. Kill The Poor! By The Dead Kennedys. If you’re a Republican, you’ll even love the band name!

And, the most recent chart entry in Republican World--

12. Baby Parts!

2016 might just even bring us the hot new soon-to-be Republican chart topper Baby Parts Benghazi. It’s perfect for Republican World! Picked to click!

Over the years, the Republican hierarchy and money goons have built quite an infrastructure of hate radio and hate websites to constantly brainwash the susceptible. It only started with Roger Ailse’s Nixon-era plans for his “GOP TV” which became FOX "News" and, metastasized like cancer into corporately supported 24-hour hate radio, not to mention an infinite number of comparable hate websites.

Is it now only a matter of weeks before some lunatic republican website like The Daily Caller, World Net Daily, or Breitbart features a headline that reads "Hillary Dines On Baby Parts?" If that doesn’t go far enough for rank and file Republican voters, they’ll likely change it to "Hillary Dines On Baby Parts At Secret Lesbian Confab." These people are that far mentally out of control.

Meanwhile in Washington, if Hillary Clinton does, in fact, get the Democratic nomination, Republicans just won’t be able to stop themselves from creating some sort of Hillary-Baby Parts-Benghazi conflation, with millions more of our tax dollars spent and wasted on months of congressional nowhere investigations which will only make sense if… your mind lives in Republican World! Where fake scandals rule!

I’m old enough to remember when hippie counter-culture couples started naming their kids with names like Starshine and Moonbeam. Those names were relatively harmless. They were based on something real, with no nihilistic, negative connotation, but now I half expect that republican couples will soon start naming their newborns after their fake scandals. It’ll be "…and this is my daughter Baby Parts. This must be your son Birth Certificate." They can’t speak without mentioning this stuff. The tether to reality has disintegrated.

Republican World is an upside down bizarro place where Pope Francis is considered an evil, dangerous man but people think that someone like senile, self-proclaimed "America’s Mayor" Rudy Giuliani actually has something of value to say to us all. America’s Crazy Uncle is more like it. Why they keep trotting out this obvious poster boy for dementia, and putting him on camera with a microphone is beyond any reasoning? It’s also embarrassing and sad, but not to those who live in Republican World.

Republican World is also a world whose inhabitants think that not only could Alex Jones and Ben Stein pass a psychiatric exam but whose inhabitants would also ask, incredulously, why we would even think their sanity is in question. Well, especially with Stein, all one has to do is look at those bugged out eyes! Nurse! Bring the hypo! Now!

Republican World is a world where "Religious Liberty" applies only to some and means not only the right to deny marriage to gay people but to also kill them: right along with doctors who perform abortions. To Hell with the laws of the land.

Republican World is a state of mind where one can believe that the president was born in Kenya. Republican World is a place where temperatures are not rising and neither is the sea. Republican World is a place where commies and Muslims cohabitate under Republican beds, mass shootings are hoaxes, and, a dastardly wicked warlock of a president controls the weather while laughingly plotting the demise of America. It’s a place that has only existed for 6000 years and it’s a place where the Great Pyramids were used to store grain.

Republican World is a place whose inhabitants profess to love American out of one side of their mouths while saying they want to secede out of the other.

Logic and sanity have flown the coup. Normal people sigh and tell eachother that it would be very hard to make this stuff up, but, remember, Republican World is an alternate universe contrived by Republicans as a place where they can be comfortable and come up with explanations for a world that doesn’t make any sense to them, a world, for instance, where an African-American can be President (if he really was elected that is).

So, let’s take a look at the past year in Republican World. Who knows what 2016 will bring or where this mass hysteria will end. They walk among us. Outwardly, they look similar to us. Inward, it’s a whole different story. As Karl Rove, late of the George W. Bush administration, and now of FOX "News" once said while taunting journalist Ron Suskind for being from "what we call the reality-based community."

"That’s not the way the world really works anymore."
Well, at least for Republicans, it doesn’t work that way any more. The same can be said for any poor soul who lives in a padded cell in a mental institution.

Coming up in the morning: Chapter One of Noah’s 2015 In Review: It’s Republican World!

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