Friday, November 27, 2015

The Spirit Moves Me: My 2015 Holiday Gift Suggestions


Including Fantasy Gift Ideas For Republicans!
By Noah

The ads! The ads! These retailers! It’s worse than the political ads!

Then, there’s the usual endless local news coverage of the pillaging, people camping out in the cold just to be the first in the store. The Visigoths were better behaved.

I’m already so sick of hearing “It’s that most wonderful time of the year”. I’m so sick of Kay Jewelers ads. "Every 'kiss' begins with Kay?" I’m so sick of hearing the word 'door-buster' and terms like Black Friday and Giving Tuesday, and all the rest. Mayhem Monday is only a matter of time, except that that’s what the whole "shopping season" has become.

If you ask me, I’m into Fuck You Thursday followed by Fuck You Friday followed by Fuck You Saturday. You get the drift, and, well, if you don’t… I’m getting in a great mood for the holidays. I long for a long ago time when there were just 12 days of Christmas. Now, it’s 55. It starts with the boom of the last cherry bomb in a pumpkin on Halloween, even sooner on TV shopping channels.

It ain’t just a War On Christmas for me. It’s becoming a lifestyle! Fuck you Bill O’Reilly, and that one goes for every day of the year until the end of time and after the next big bang starts it all over again.

So, without further ado, I cheerfully present my 2015 gift ideas.

1. The Menorasaurus- Since Hanukkah comes before Christmas, let’s start with a very unique line of menorahs made by TheVanillaStudio in Portland, ME. Shown is the T-Rex version. It also comes in a more placid Brontosaurus version, which would suit any of your vegetarian friends or relatives. It also comes in Triceratops and other dino models. If you want something more modern, you may go for the Hippo or Elephant version. There’s even a turtle version, but, for me, it’ll have to be the T-Rex. It’s just that I’m a T-Rex kind of guy. However, there was definitely a time when the next item on my list would have been my first choice.

2. The Grav Menorah-

You like your holidays high? If so, this one’s for you. GRAV makes scientific glassware. You know, beakers and such, those things you played with in high school chemistry and teabaggers use to cook the meth they’re obviously smoking.

Fortunately for stoners, GRAV also makes a beautiful Bong Menorah. That’s right. It’s a working bong and a menorah! What will they think of next? For a demonstration, see the clip. Weed not included.

Also, the thing costs $700, so, you might want to consider that, after you by it, you might not have any money left for weed! I guess you’ll just have to stick with using old cardboard paper towel or toilet paper rolls with aluminum foil. Whatever works. I always loved to put weed into spaghetti sauce. It gets stronger by the day by the way.

Please note that it’s already too late to get your menorah for this holiday season. Both the Menorasaurus and the GRAV Bong Menorah are made to order. That takes time. But, if you’re a stoner, you’ve got time, lots of time.

3. Jingle Bells Shotgun Shells Christmas Lights- Getting ready to decorate your Christmas tree? Then, may I suggest these nifty red and green lights that look just like real shotgun shells! I’ll assume that they are NRA-approved. However, maybe not, since they can’t kill anybody.

Warning: Santa’s Reindeer may not want to land on your roof if they know you have anything that even looks like shotgun shells.

4. The Beer Belt/The Beer Bandolier- This one is real extra dumb, for more than one reason. It comes as both a belt and a bandolier style double beer can holster. They even come in camo-patterned fabric. The seller even says they’re great for hunting trips (oh boy drinks and huntin’. What could go wrong?) and make "a great gift for any beer lover or alcoholic in your life," but, I’d like to suggest that you could also buy one for that special someone you’d like to get rid of. In these edgy times, it doesn’t take much imagination to think what a nervous cop might do if he saw someone wearing one of these on a crowded downtown street or getting out of a car at the local mall or sports arena. The bandolier model, especially, just screams suicide bomber.

5. The Drone Disabler-

The real name of this fabulous product is the Drone Defender but I prefer to call it by what it actually does. This thing shoots down drones with some sort of electronic pulse or beam. Fantastic! I want one!

This is a product whose time has come. On one recent afternoon, I was waiting to cross the street at 62nd and 1st Avenue in New York when I looked up and saw a drone hovering above the intersection. To me, that was all too ridiculous being as there are already 2 or 3 cameras that catch everything that goes on in the immediate area. What was even more ridiculous to me was that no one but me even noticed that there was a drone watching our every move. People are just so unobservant. I guess I was the only one looking up, and there it was. It’s funny, so many people say they see UFOs all the time, but no one notices a drone? Maybe they won’t care until a drone that can provide an anal probe arrives. I don’t know.

As I see it, the thing that gives the Drone Disabler so much sales potential is that it looks like a gun, and Americans love guns! If this drone thing keeps up, I can see a world where the streets and yards of America are littered with drone pieces everywhere. Of course, some drones can fire back, so beware. Hmmm. Isn’t this how Terminator started?

But wait, there’s more!

Finally, I’ve been thinking about some gifts that aren’t readily available, although you could make them yourself for that special Republican you know who "thinks" that the Three Wise Men rode on the backs of dinosaurs to see the baby Jesus.

I’m thinking these ideas would be the kind of thing most Republicans would like to find under the tree.
• A DVD box set of Classic Police Shootings Of African-Americans- This would be perfect for that crazy old uncle on your list who always thought police wielding fire hoses just wasn’t enough.

• Ben Carson’s Pantry Pyramids™- Now you can store your grains properly! Feed the multitudes!

• A Voodoo Doll dressed in a Burka Gives hours of playtime satisfaction to wackjobs who watch FOX all day.

• A backyard stand-up barbecue in the shape of a cross- Gas-powered, of course.
If you’d rather not go to the trouble of making any of the above, I suppose you could wait and see if we end up with a President Cruz or President Trumpf. How’s that sound? If that happens, we’re bound to see any of the four above ideas for sale on a new FOX News shopping channel. Buy two of the three and they’ll give you a 50% discount on a home-fracking kit.

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At 3:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Breathlessly awaiting the release of that SPECIAL,
campaign season autobiography: "Mein Trumpf"

Happy Holidays!!!

John Puma

At 12:26 PM, Anonymous Michael Simmons said...

You've created a cottage industry, Noah. Howzabout AN ALTERNATE HISTORY OF REALITY by the Republican National Committee?

At 12:48 PM, Anonymous Noah said...

Thank you Michael. I've actually been working on something along those lines. Just writing what I see. We'll see how it comes out.

At 11:07 AM, Blogger Erik Lindgren said...

Thx Noah for the insight and the CNN clip ... who needs Terminator movies. Now I want to fly my personal drone over Louisville or El Paso next T-giving and take in the Black Friday insanity first-hand from the comfort of my living room remote (that is if I had a TV).

And if auto-tuned chart songs playing over Staples 365 days a year isn't enough to transform me into one of those documented CNN bargain-driven maniac lunatics, then chain-store programmed Xmas songs might finally put me over the edge this year if forget to take my meds that day.

Here's one cute sardonic seasonal gift that will surely dampen the holiday spirit:

FYI you might enjoy spinning the charming little :30 excerpt from track 24. Ho Ho Ho.


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