Wednesday, August 12, 2015

A Star Is Born: Christopher Hucko -- Republican Candidate #18?


Photo by the Orland Park (IL) Police Dept.

"Man arrested for vibrator theft offers to show police his penis, before slamming Obama"
-- a New York Daily News headline yesterday

by Noah

I bet the above headline from the New York Daily News caught your eye. What the hell? you probably said. What's next? And I bet you want to read more, right? Here is Laurie Hanna's lead, possibly the dream lead of a newspaperperson's career:
A Chicago man caught with a stolen vibrator in his underwear told cops he had no idea how the device got there, before stripping naked in his cell and shouting derogatory comments about President Obama.
Now you're probably thinking, where do they get these people? In fact, to get a real feel for what a character this guy is, you need to read either the Daily News piece or The Smoking Gun's.

My reaction, though, went a little further. Given the lunacy of the current republican primary season, this man just may be what republican voters are looking for! Forget Trumpy. Trumpy is so yesterday. There's a new loon in town!

It's not just the mere existence or even thought of President Obama that drives republicans over the edge. I've commented before about the fact that there is also something weird about the way the republican mind deals with human sexuality. Both topics drive them batty. And for the 2016 election cycle we have no shortage of republican presidential candidates that epitomize this dual absurdity.

So here I am, proposing one more potential republican candidate for the 2016 presidential nomination. We already have 17 crazies; why not add one more to the mix? Meet candidate #18: Christopher Hucko. Might he end up being the bottom on a Trump-Hucko ticket? Surely this man, like Trumpy, knows how to get our attention.

Far be it from me to be judgmental. Understand that when I talk about republican attitudes toward all things to do with sex and sexuality, I don't mean "weird" in any kinky sense or anything like that -- although there is the whole "Masturbation is murder" crew, and then there's presidential candidate Rick Santorum who's on record as saying that contraception leads to things that are "not okay." (Hint: like pleasure, when we know that sex is only for procreation.)

And you better not be enjoying it!

We've also been hearing a lot lately about republican efforts to defund Planned Parenthood, about their general war on women, including 2012 VP candidate Paul Ryan's hateful attempts to redefine rape, and about their demented homophobia. Current republican presidential candidates Rand Paul and Mike Huckabee have even agreed to appear in an anti-gay "documentary."

Ben Carson? Well, try not to engage him in a conversation about sex in prison. "A lot of people who go into prison," he has said, "go into prison straight and when they come out, they’re gay." This in fact is one of Right Wing Watch's "Five Wildest Ben Carson Quotes: Prison Sex, Nazi America, Health Care Slavery And More." Possibly after you look at the other four quotes, you may want to just avoid any conversation with Ben Carson altogether.

Then there's current leading republican candidate Donald Trump's recent post-debate attacks on Megyn Kelly of FOX "News," saying she had "blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever." Let's let John Oliver deconstruct this one.

Sure, there's no doubt that Megyn was out to get Trumpy for his previous misogynistic comments, but for republicans such sexism is standard fare, and judging from Trumpy's growing poll numbers, it's obviously a plus to republican voters. Besides, Megyn Kelly is not one who should pretend to be classy in such matters, when she herself went on the notoriously misogynistic Howard Stern show and talked about her breasts and her husband's penis.

It's also hard to forget the not-so-long-ago spectacle of a republican-led House of Representatives getting so worked up in a lather over President Clinton getting a BJ from an intern that they released every graphic detail in book form to the media and the public, thinking that that would convince the American public to go along with their impeachment efforts.


With all of this in mind, I give you Christopher Hucko. What, you may ask, are his presidential credentials? Hey, c'mon, what are any of their credentials? I mean, Rick Perry? Scott Walker? Another Bush?

Euphoria G-Spot Delight (in pink)
Well, in addition to the possibility that his surname is a shortened version of Huckabee, Mr. Hucko has been known to sign his name as "Obama is a criminal," as he did when he was asked to sign a Miranda consent form by the officers who collared him with the $48 pink Euphoria G-Spot Delight vibrator that had mysteriously found its way into his underwear. That signature alone will get him tons of republican votes, but Hucko features the perfect storm of being able to rant mindlessly about President Obama and do it while offering to show police his penis (that had been his answer to the question of what he had stuffed in his pants), which he claims has a tattoo of a cherry on it. In short, he's perfect!  Reince Priebus can rest easy now. He's found his man!

Let's ignore the fact that Hucko was arrested after shoplifting the vibrator from a Chicago sex emporium and said he didn't know how it got into his pants. There are plenty of cases of criminal activity not being an impediment to a political career. If bribery is legal, why should being caught stealing a vibrator and stuffing it in your pants end your dream? Which does more harm to society? (And if you think of the delegates who will choose the GOP presidential candidate in Cleveland, how many of them would love to have a pink Euphoria G-Spot Delight stuffed in their underwear? Probably a lot of the women too.)


That's not for me to say. But I do know that he would fit right in. In addition, can't you just see him on Hannity, sitting between Pat Robertson and the Duck Dynasty wacko? Hucko is a natural! Can't you see him talking loofahs with Bill-O? (He has a police record, but I can't say for sure that it includes stealing a loofah.)

The quest for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination is already the expected freakshow. But Christopher Hucko could be the cherry to go with the nuts on the sundae. (Don't forget that tattoo of a cherry he says he has on his penis.) We're already seeing some candidates trying to out-Trump Trumpy, but this guy Hucko -- well, the possibilities are endless. What would Trumpy or any of the other 17-and-counting loonies be able to do to top him? Create a line of self-named sex toys to hand out at rallies in Iowa? Will they all appear at the next debate with vibrators standing on their podiums, as if to say, "Hey, Megyn, say hello to my little friend," while the republican audience cheers? I think we've blown right past "binders full of women."

Not to worry about the losers in this primary. They can always become pitchers for Viagra like failed republican presidential candidate Bob Dole did all the way back in 1998.

The only real question is, what do any of these wackjobs do if he ends up getting his party's nomination and has to face Hillary Clinton, assuming she wins hers? What with all of them obviously suffering feelings of inadequacy, all she would have to do is go to the first debate, pull out a vibrator and wave it at her opponent, laughing as she screams, "Mine's bigger!" Game over.

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At 12:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perry, Walker, Bush credentials for GOP president: they completely fucked up their respective states as governors. It's not clear what more a GOP candidate can "legitimately" boast about.

John Puma

At 12:15 PM, Anonymous Michael Simmons said...

Life has become a Terry Southern novel.

At 8:48 AM, Blogger Erik Lindgren said...

Where is PT Barnum ... when we need him most to round up this bevy of kooky Republican candidates into the Greatest Side Show On Earth. Bring it on.

At 4:45 AM, Blogger Christopher Huckp said...

This is CHRISTOPHER THOMAS MATTHEW HUCKO aka "cherry" ............................ President Joseph Biden i'm comming 4 your job. I hope all my bothers and sistas call the Illinois Election Board and axe somebody


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