Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Well, Tom Brady still has his agent in his corner -- plus the Big Rat Bastard Gummer of NJ


It's hard to believe the Pulitzer people still haven't found a category to honor memorable writing like this.

by Ken

It's Dropping of the Other Shoe Week hereabouts. Yesterday I reported that now-former New York State Senate Majority Leader Dean "The Indicted (And My Boy Too)" Skelos, whose caucus was so solidly behind him in the belief that hell no, he didn't hafta step down, has in fact stepped down, because enough members of that caucus had paid brief visits to reality and discovered that reality was kind of killing them.

Today we report the aftermath of another development yesterday: the meting out of punishment by NFL Exec VP Troy Vincent to superstar QB Tom Brady and the New England Patriots in the Deflategate scandal, in the wake of the Wells Report commissioned by the league: a four-game suspension for Cheating and Lying Tom and a $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks for the Pats.

Well, Cheating and Lying Tom's agent, Don Yee, is hopping mad. He thinks the punishment meted out to his meal ticket boy is "ridiculous." Says Agent Don:
The discipline is ridiculous and has no legitimate basis. In my opinion, this outcome was pre-determined; there was no fairness in the Wells investigation whatsoever. There is no evidence that Tom directed footballs be set at pressures below the allowable limits.
No, actually, it looks like investigator Ted Wells did his darnedest to find out the truth, and was hardly helped by the fact that Agent Yee's client the Golden Boy lied his golden guts out. Here, for the record, is what Vincent wrote to Cheating and Lying Tom:
With respect to your particular involvement, the report established that there is substantial and credible evidence to conclude you were at least generally aware of the actions of the Patriots' employees involved in the deflation of the footballs and that it was unlikely that their actions were done without your knowledge. Moreover, the report documents your failure to cooperate fully and candidly with the investigation, including by refusing to produce any relevant electronic evidence (emails, texts, etc.), despite being offered extraordinary safeguards by the investigators to protect unrelated personal information, and by providing testimony that the report concludes was not plausible and contradicted by other evidence.

Your actions as set forth in the report clearly constitute conduct detrimental to the integrity of and public confidence in the game of professional football. The integrity of the game is of paramount importance to everyone in our league, and requires unshakable commitment to fairness and compliance with the playing rules. Each player, no matter how accomplished and otherwise respected, has an obligation to comply with the rules and must be held accountable for his actions when those rules are violated and the public's confidence in the game is called into question.
Poor Agent Don, sort of like those NYS Republican senators, is caught in a head-on collision with reality, and it almost brings a tear to one's eye to see him fighting back so manfully. Is this man earning his Brady Megabucks or what? I mean, if a feller can't trust his very own agent to make a jackass of hisself in his behalf, who can he trust to make a jackoff of hisself in his behalf?


Well, in Cheating and Lying Tom's case, there's always the patron saint of cheaters and liars, the Big Rat Bastard Gummer of NJ, Kris Krispy. You know, the CEO the State of New Jersey Inc., and the managing general partner of the Gummint of NJ LLP. By great good luck the Krispyman happens also to be the patron saint of bullies, as Cheating and Lying Tom kind of emerges in those embarrassing e-mails with the locker-room stooges who handled the ball doctoring and switching for him.

The Big Rat Bastard thinks people are just jealous 'cause Tom has it all -- the gorgeous wife, the dimple, the whole enchilada. The Big Rat Bastard isn't jealous. Like any dedicated jock-sniffer, he's happy just to get a smile from the big guy -- plus maybe a chance to lick his toes, on account of he is after all a Really Important Person in his own right. Come on, he's a personal acquaintance of Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones! (Some would say he even made Jerry J a limited partner of the Gummint of NJ LLP.) Watch this KrispyKlip:

Okay, Tom cheated and Tom lied. But then, maybe this is why he's still the bee's knees to the Big Rat Bastard Gummer of NJ? And as a connoisseur of bullying, the Rat Bastard Gummer might appreciate that the locker-room stooges who performed Cheating and Lying Tom's dirty work have lost their jobs as a result, while Cheating and Lying Tom has come out, comparatively speaking, not badly at all with just that four-game suspension.


The comedy here is less off-the-wall than in the previous one.


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