Noah's Annual List Of Great Holiday Gift Ideas Is Here!

By Noah

  (Bite me, O’Reilly. I said holiday, not Christmas)

It’s that most wonderful time of the year again, and that means you just might be desperate for ideas on what to get for those special someones in your life. So, every year, I take on the role of would be Down With Tyranny personal shopper and try to come up with those perfect items that really say just how you feel: gifts that will make sure that you are always remembered.

1. The White Castle Candle

To me, nothin’ says Christmas Love better than a whole bag of White Castle Burgers! Vegans be damned. They can have the little packets of ketchup and relish. But what to do when you’ve eaten all those lovely little slabs of cow? You can’t keep that greasy paper bag and wrappings around forever, can you?

If, like me, you regard the smell of White Castle as being right up there with the smell of bacon (see below), gasoline or Testors Glue, the solution is as plain as the grease on your face: The White Castle Candle! Imagine a whole Xmas tree of ‘em, or, perhaps, a church that offers only White Castle Candles to light in remembrance or for whatever other reason.

Now what I want to know is; does the same company make a Raccoon Roadkill candle? Do they also make a Staten Island Dump candle? It could come with a sound feature that loudly plays nothing but screaming seagulls. I'd buy dozens and hide them in deserving peoples' offices.


2. The Rapture Toaster!

A couple of years ago, I offered up the suggestion of the Grilled Chessus Maker, which creates beautiful grilled cheese sandwiches with impressions of Jesus on them. With Christmas being all about the birth of the lord and savior (isn’t it?), I thought that no list of gift suggestions would be complete without something in a Jesus theme. Hence this brilliant end of days toaster which pops up toast singed with the image of Jesus.

I’m not sure how high this doodad shoots the toast but, clearly, you will be rising high yourself if you believe, so, why not take some toast along with you as you leave the Earth, and your shoes, behind. You might even want to practice jumping up and catching your toast in mid-air before the big day.

This also makes a suitable gift for any republicans you have the misfortune of knowing, but they will treat it far more seriously and might actually prefer a version that printed President Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate on their toast. Proof at last! Lord almighty, proof at last!


 3. I Kissed A Republican Gum

To the best of my knowledge, I have never kissed a Republican. Hell, I’ve just never been that desperate. I won’t even let them into my house. I think I’d know if a girl was a secret Republican. I have really good republo-radar. It’s not hard to tell. I mean, hey, they dress funny and they like Kenny Loggins records. They think Journey is rock and roll and the "art" of Thomas Kincaid belongs in The Louvre right next to ol’ smilin’ Mona Lisa herself. Some people think Elizabeth Hasselback, or whatever her name is, is a babe. Not me. The “I’m an idiot glow” ruins it for me.

I really don’t get those couples where one is a Democrat and one is a Republican. How is this possible? My wife and I have talked about this. Marry a Republican? No way. It’s a matter of human decency. I must confess that I have a couple of relatives that are Republicans.  Haven’t spoken to any of them in years. Last time I did, nasty comments about Jews were made. Then there’s the one who voted for Bush "because of the babies;" never mind that Dubya killed more babies in their wombs than any President in the last 70 years. He did it with his bombs and his environmental and economic policies.

But, I ramble. If you think you are in imminent danger of kissing a Republican, you might want to carry some of this gum around to get the taste out of your mouth. Personally, I think I’d have to get my blood changed.


4. The Anti-Masturbation Cross!

I don’t want people to think I regard Republicans as chronically frightened, fearful, moronic fools; far be it from me! Suffice to say, I know they are very family values oriented. At least that’s what they claim, so I would hate to not include a swell gift idea for their Republican little ones. What better gift can a young Republo-child find under the tree (pagan symbol) than the Anti-Masturbation Cross? Talk about shaping your child’s future! It doesn’t get any better than this!

The cross (see illustration) is designed to keep any Republican child’s hands, as the ad says, "off their dangerous sin-zones."

We all know that idle hands are the Devil’s workshop. Now, any Republican adult can get through their hectic days of hating minorities without having to stop and worry about their children indulging in self-rape and treating their hot little hormone-fueled bodies like a perverted amusement park; never mind that God designed it that way.

Disclaimer: Be sure to let your child know that sex is for pro-creation only and as an expression of love between a man and his obedient, subservient woman of the same race. The Anti-Masturbation Cross is not purchasable through Obamacare. The Anti-Masturbation Cross is good for children from age 5 to 16. After that, the kids are on their own, and probably either in a nuthouse, in prison, or well on their way to being a Republican politician.

And, lastly--


5. The Gift Of Bacon

It’s Bacon! Who doesn’t like the smell of nice, crisp bacon. Now you can bathe in it with a bar of bacon soap! The same folks that make this soap have also assured that: You can also lick a bacon lollipop. You can suck a bacon candy cane. You can even frost your cake with bacon-flavored frosting! Is this a great country or what?

Bacon shaving cream and bacon lip balm are also available, as are bacon air freshener (available in strips or in spray!). Buy it today. Your dog will love you and all of his friends will follow you down the street, or worse.



And, Bill-O, if, in your deranged, pompous mind, the above constitutes a "War On Christmas," why don’t you just go sell all your worldly possessions, including your extensive Christmas Loofah collection and those lovely Loofah costumes you probably wear when you think no one is looking, and go live in a Christmas Creche, with your favorite sheep.

Bill O'Reilly Loofah drag