Huh? Why are they trying to hide Glenn Greenwald in the first place?

by Ken

Okay, so this morning I had an e-mail from Amazon hawking a bunch of books, and right there at the top is this book called No Place to Hide Glenn Greenwald. To be honest, I hadn't even been aware that anyone was trying to hide Glenn G, or for that matter that anybody was looking for him. (I often find myself kind of out of the loop.) Still, I figured that this whole business of finding, or at least looking for, lost stuff is right up my alley, and maybe I could help.

However, let me make two things clear at the outset:

(1) I don't know who it is who's trying to hide Glenn G, or why. It sounds goofy to me, but --

(2) I'm not here to quarrel with or judge this (to me) peculiar mission. I'll say flat-out that I don't understand it, but there are a lot of things I don't understand, and none of that seems to matter to anybody else, so I'm not going to try to probe deeply into it.

Not even why someone thought it was worth writing a book about it. I understand why people may have thought it worthwhile to write books or plays or movies about searching for buried treasure, or hunting for Judge Crater, or Jimmy Hoffa, or maybe even (and I thought this was nutty) being John Malkovich. But hiding Glenn G? The logic escapes me. Still, as I say, I don't consider it my business to, you know, understand.

NO, I'M JUST HERE TO HELP

And while my credentials for the job are entirely unofficial, I consider them substantial. I've hidden a few things in my time -- some of them intentionally, others not so much. My keys, for example, might be described as "self-hiding," and sometimes my wallet practices that trick too, usually just when I really need to get out of the house, like, right away. Have you ever had to call work to say you were going to be late on account of you couldn't find your keys, or your wallet? Oh, you have? Isn't it embarrassing? Did you make up some story about a plumbing crisis, or did you tell the God's honest truth? I mean, about the keys, or the wallet.

Especially, I figure, if we pool our combined experience of hiding stuff, including stuff of what I am calling the self-hiding kind, we can help whoever it is who's trying to hide Glenn G get him safely hidden. Wait, that's assuming that whoever wants to do the hiding wants to do it for his own good. That Glenn G really wants to be hidden. It occurs to me that maybe he doesn't. But then, wouldn't the question be more along the lines of how to lose Glenn G? Or maybe how to make him go away?

Enough preliminaries. Let's get to work finding A Place to Hide Glenn Greenwald. Is everybody here? Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for them to get back from the bathroom and for the others to get back with their coffee and snacks. Let's meet back here in exactly 15 minutes.

15 MINUTES LATER

Jeez, the idea wasn't for people to first to go to the bathroom or get coffee or snacks. Okay, another 15 minutes.

ANOTHER 15 MINUTES LATER

Look, we've really got to get started. Glenn G needs to be hidden already -- though again, don't ask me why. It's apparently above my pay grade. Okay, the others will just have to catch up with us.

Now, I'm going to throw out some suggestions for places to hide Glenn G.

1. Under the bed. This is an old trick, of course, based on the theory that searchers may not think to look under the bed. Then again, they may, so it's not foolproof. It's also really a short-term hiding trick. I mean, you couldn't seriously hope to keep him there for any extended period of time. I trust I don't have to enumerate the host of problems you would run into. However, if the need for the hiding is temporary, an old trick like this is worth considering.

You should be sure, though, to establish some code way of letting Glenn G know that the need for hiding is past. Say, "The coast is clear." Of course he might wonder if someone wasn't holding you with a gun or a hand grenade or something forcing you to say, "The coast is clear." I guess in a pinch you could just go to the bedroom and say loudly, "They're gone, Glenn G. It's okay to come out now."

2. In the spare-room closet. This works pretty much the same way as "Under the bed," above, except it's in the spare-room closet. I don't suggest the hall closet, because any searcher who doesn't check the hall closet is likely to have his Searching Guild card taken away. But by the time he or she has checked the hall closet, the kitchen pantry, the linen closet, and one or two bedroom closets, he or she may just get sloppy and forget about the spare-room closet. The "spare-room closet" option is usually likely to be less uncomfortable than the "under the bed" one, but that depends on how much stuff has been dumped in the closet for want of a better place to dump it. It could be kind of cramped in there. On the plus side, that could make it easier for Glenn G to camouflage himself if he hears searchers approaching.

Also, it could get pretty stuffy in there. Still, we've already established that these old tricks are for short-term hiding only.

3. In the basement (or attic). If you own a house, you're almost certain to have one or the other, a basement or an attic, and quite possibly both. The actual methodology of the hide will depend on your particular logistics, and security again isn't perfect, because most self-respecting searchers are likely to think of checking the basement and/or attic. It would help if either: (a) the basement and/or attic has a secret, hard-to-detect accessway, or (b) there's a good available hiding place inside the basement or attic. One advantage of this strategy is that it's easier to provision Glenn G with water and food and suchlike than it would be in the "under the bed" or "in the spare-room closet" scenarios. Also, you may have some interesting or at least entertaining games or crafts projects there which he could use to help pass the waiting time. Be sure to caution him to do so quietly, however. Yes, the Magic 8 Ball can be hilarious, but if he's laughing himself silly, the chances of his being caught are considerable.

Obviously if you live in an apartment rather than a house, the basement and/or attic option is less likely to be available to you. Some apartment dwellers do have basement storage facilities, however. And while many of the "in the spare-room closet" objections may apply equally well to the "in the basement storage facility" sub-option, the latter has the advantage that not all searchers may think to ask whether there's a basement storage facility. Also, if the apartment is a coop or condominium, the coop or condo may have rules governing outside searchers -- e.g., limiting the days and/or hours when searches may take place, the number of people who may participate in the search, the length of time the searchers are allowed to search, etc. You may want to check with your coop or condo board. What have you accomplished if you successfully hide Glenn G but get yourself in hot water with the coop or condo board?

4. In the back-yard shed or bomb shelter. Okay, this is kind of similar to "In the basement (or attic)," except it's outside the house, which has obvious pluses and minuses. A possible additional plus is that there may already be provisions of sorts there which could be helpful to Glenn G during the hide, especially if it's in a bomb shelter. Though if you haven't checked on the bomb-shelter provisions in the last five or ten years, this may not be all that wonderful an advantage. And again, not likely to be of use to apartment residents, though you might want to consider --

5. In a neighbor's apartment. Preferably someone you know. If you were to knock on the door of a fellow resident you don't know well, or who you once accused of stealing your newspaper (even if you're still fairly sure he did it), it might be awkward if you were then to ask, "Do you have a place where we could hide Glenn Greenwald?" Probably you should at least introduce him first. But by the time you say, "Howdy, neighbor, this here is Glenn Greenwald, and I'm wondering if we could impose on you to find someplace to hide him (no, don't ask!), and by the way I was only asking if you happened to have any idea what could have happened to my newspaper -- well, by the time you get all that out, the people who are looking for Glenn G could well be standing right behind you. (No, don't look! Jeez! Play it cool. Act as if nothing unusual is happening.)

6. In your bank's vault. Naturally this assumes you have access to your bank's vault, like maybe through a cousin who's a deputy branch manage or something (I can't work out all the details). And if we go by movies and TV, the history of hiding stuff in bank vaults isn't all that encouraging -- sometimes not even bank funds. And you remember what happened to Burgess Meredith in that classic Twilight Zone.

Oh wait, Burgess was saved from the nuclear holocaust by eating his lunch there! So maybe this would be a good hiding place for Glenn G. Of course, look what happened to him (Burgess, that is) afterwards, breaking his glasses and all. If Glenn G wears glasses (again, I can't be expected to have command of all these details), make sure he has a spare pair. If he doesn't have a spare pair, maybe there's one of those places nearby whcich does glasses in an hour? Assuming you have an extra hour, this might be a good investment of time.

The bank vault saved Henry Bemis, didn't it?
Now if only he'd had a spare pair of specs.

After all, who can't use a spare pair of glasses? Your mother probably told you this. Isn't it time to acknowledge that you really should have listened to your mother occasionally? But this takes us into an issue that isn't strictly on-topic.

7. At your nearest public library. You could, you know, fix Glenn G up with a newspaper, and he could pretend to be reading for hours on end, like until the place closes. I can see only two problems: (1) The library does close, eventually. (2) It's possible that one of the Searchers may need to use a computer, like to check in with the Big Guy (I'm just guessing about the Big Guy; remember, I have no idea who's behind the Hunt for Glenn Greenwald), and isn't that why most people go to pubic libraries these days, to use a computer? Maybe if Glenn G were wearing a hat he would be harder to spot in the library? Of course the hat could make him kind of conspicuous. Could he make himself look like a scruffy homeless-type guy? People in the library usually steer clear of them.

OKAY, I'M JUST ABOUT OUT OF IDEAS, BUT --

I do have one last thought:

8. In plain sight. This is kind of high-concept, but look how many years Glenn G was right out there in public and nobody paid any attention to him! And when they paid no attention to him, it was pretty much as if he didn't exist! In my book, this strategy -- hiding Glenn G in plain sight -- is a proven winner.

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