Food Watch: Quoi d'neuf, Docteur?* What are the chances that that Frenchy Buttwipe™ can top his damned Cronut™?

The thing is, you can stand in the damned line without any assurance from the Frenchy Buttwipe™ of being able to buy one of the damned things. As we often say here in NYC, forget about it!

by Ken

I know we sometimes get a bit light-hearted here, possibly even frivolous, and it may be held against me that I'm coming to this post directly from watching a pair of Bugs Bunny cartoons, but that's only because this evening I brought home my latest Amazon purchase, the weekly special of the 24-DVD Looney Tunes set, so naturally I had to, you know, check it out a little. (*For a while I had the French subtitles on, which is how I learned that "Quoi de neuf, Docteur?" -- or "Quoi d'neuf, Docteur?" -- is French for "What's up, Doc?") Besides, a person can't watch only Gilmore Girls episodes, and I had just finished Disc 1 of Season 7, which technically put me between series Episodes 135 and 136, if I've done the math correctly, and knowing I had a blog deadline coming up, I didn't want to commit to another 46 minutes of GG.

Anyway, every now and then we feel obliged to tackle the really deep, irresolvable issues of our time, and today my friend Leo put one to me in the form of a challenge, after sending me a link to this HuffPost post (lotsa links onsite):

Nutella Cronuts™ Are So Special They'll Only Be Around For One Day

The Huffington Post  | by  Alison Spiegel
Posted: 05/14/2014 7:00 am EDT



Nutella®. Cronuts™. That is all.

Okay, we'll tell you more. Nutella is celebrating its 50th anniversary on Monday, May 19. In honor of its birthday, Nutella teamed up with famous Cronut™ inventor Dominique Ansel, and the result is as good as you hope it would be. Ansel is making Cronut™ holes made with Nutella®, in what might be the ultimate display of hyped food. The dually trademarked dessert is literally a mouthful.

As you can see from the drool-inducing photos, the Cronut™ holes are filled with Nutella. While we're still a little skeptical of the whole Cronut™ craze to begin with (why tamper with perfection? The doughnut and croissant were doing just fine, and Dominique Ansel makes a better pastry in his shop anyway), these Nutella Cronut™ holes look pretty great.


With the Cronut™ line still wrapping around the block a year after its debut, it's clear that people are still crazy for the things. We thought Nutella, having been around for 50 years, had already seen its peak, but Eataly is proving us wrong. After its wine store was shuttered, Eataly decided to replace Eataly Vino with a Nutella Bar. If you're wondering how well it will do, General Manager of Eataly Chicago Alex Saper says customers wait for up to 45 minutes for its Nutella Bar. Apparently people are still going nuts for this ubiquitous chocolate hazelnut spread.

Before you get too excited about the Cronut™ holes made with Nutella®, they will only be available at Nutella's 50th anniversary party on May 19. We're hoping they make enough of a splash that they become a regular at the Eataly's Nutella Bar -- it seems only right.

To be honest, I don't really care about Nutella® Cronut™™s. Nutella® isn't one of my things, and I've still never eaten any part of a Cronut™™. Which brings me to the question Leo e-mailed me this morning, along with the HuffPost link:

"How long are you going to wait to taste a cronut?"
(Note: no capping of Cronut, and no ™! I think he'll be hearing from the Cronut™™ Cops.)

He has been pressing me about this damned Cronut™™ thing ever since . . . um, how long has the damned thing existed? That long. Just because I live in Cronut™™-town, and he merely visits occasionally, like for the occasional opera performance. So I'm the one who's expected to camp out in SoHo outside the place of business of that French Buttwipe™ -- you know, the one who trademarked the Cronut™™ and then got pissy about everyone else imitating his creation and appropriating his name for it. (I refuse to ever again mention the name of the Frenchy Buttwipe™, aka He Who Shall Not Be Named.)

I think the thing about me and the Cronut™™ is, for once, not the price tag, which was $5 the last time I looked. No, what stands between me and the you-know-what is that you can join the every-morning-and-living-hell-on-weekends line without having any assurance of actually being able to purchase one of the damned things. While I really, really hate lines, there are circumstances under which I will actually stand in one. (I thought of trying to make a list. But let's leave that for some other time.) I draw the line, however, at the idea of standing in a line for what ultimately turn out to be no purpose at all.

This morning, then, was my time to Face Up to It and answer that question, how long I was going to wait to taste a Cronut™. I thought and thought, and finally came up with this answer:

"I think what I'm waiting for is for someone to hand me one."


AND THEN THERE WAS THE WAFFOGATO


So what did that Frenchy Buttwipe™ come up with after the triumph of the Cronut™? The Waffogato:  "a waffle and affogato inspired creation featuring vanilla ice cream molded into the shape of waffle with tapioca pearls and Belgium waffle bits — all drenched with hot maple syrup espresso."

Um, yeah, right.

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