Simon Cowell had an AFFAIR? This is a joke, right? Somebody had SEX with him?

Probably the young lady is just asking for directions, and it hasn't occurred to her that by making actual physical contact she's likely to wind up with Cowell-cooties. (What? You say the woman is --?)

This comes of being out of sync with the Zeitgeist. You know quite well enough who Simon Cowell is, but you try hard not to keep up to date with his carryings-on. And so it's like being slammed upside the head when you read, under the Aol.com headline "Simon Cowell admits affair, battle with depression":

Though Simon Cowell's affair with his friend's wife was widely reported last summer, the 54-year-old media mogul has stayed mum until recently.

Say what? You have a hard time catching up with the part about the old media mogul staying mum until recently, because you're still trying to wrap your head around the news, widely reported last summer, that Simon Cowell had an affair.

Yeah, sure, with his friend's wife -- that part's not surprising. (If you call yourself Simon Cowell's friend, you're more or less asking for punishment, aren't you?) But if Simon Cowell had an affair, doesn't that mean that within his immediate physical presence some other person got intimate, possibly even naked? How can that be? Are there, like, pictures? Oh God, no! Forget I asked! That's all we need -- pictures of Simon C and this alleged other person?


Yes, there's a clip of some sort, presumably showing Simon C becoming un-mum about the alleged affair with his friend's wife. I haven't personally watched the clip, but you probably could if you want to.

From a scientific standpoint we need to try to understand how such a thing, Simon C having an affair, presumably with another human person, could have happened. To this end . . . .

TOP TEN REASONS FOR HAVING INTIMATE
PHYSICAL RELATIONS WITH SIMON COWELL

10. Uh . . . nice weather we're having, isn't it?

9. Wait, here's one: He must be rich, right? That could explain it.

8. Er, um . . . let me think . . . got it! There's no law against doing it, is there?

7. Did I mention the part about him being rich?

6. OK, let's see, he is a member of our same species, more or less, I think. At any rate, close enough for an affair.

4. Now we're getting somewhere! We're in the home stretch! Whaddaya mean, I skipped 5?

5. Looks like rain, wouldn't you say?

4. Hey, we already did 4. No do-overs!

3. Got it -- maybe he has a really, really big one! (Then again, maybe not. But it's not as if you can check it out online. Can you?)

2. Some people will do it with, you know, anybody. Or anything. Or maybe this hypothetical other person lost a bet of some kind? Hey, isn't that two reasons?

1. Assuming it actually happened, it's a dirty job but somebody's got to do it.

IF YOU MUST HAVE THE GORY DETAILS . . .

If we're going to have high-quality journalism, I guess we've got to have the gory details. Here's the rest of the AOL.com report:

In a candid interview with the UK's The Mirror, he admitted that he does "regret" embarking on a relationship while Lauren Silverman while she was still married to his friend, Andrew Silverman -- "but then of course you have a baby and you look at the baby and you kinda go, 'This is what happened from it.' In this situation you are not going to come out of this well because of the circumstances."

The first time dad is obviously overjoyed by his beautiful baby boy, but he does continue to admit to the wrongdoing that resulted in little Eric's birth. (E! reports that Lauren, who has a 7-year-old from her previous marriage, officially got divorced in December.)

"It is not something I am proud of or wanted to happen in terms of hurting anyone. It just happened. You have to deal with it and man up to it. You have to accept the responsibility and the criticism. All I can say is, my advice to you is if it happens to you, you just have to deal with it a day at a time and own up to your responsibilities."

Simon reveals that before the baby, he suffered from depression. He blames his long working hours and being alone. "Did a doctor say I was depressed? Yeah. I mean, I knew it myself. You are always looking for the next high from the show, and then actually you haven't got anyone to share it with per say, or if you haven't got any family around you, you can go a bit nuts."

YOU MEAN THERE'S A CHILD? OH, THE HORROR!

Enough! I'd actually rather read about Governor KrispyKreme. (And no comment about that "per say." That must be like: "Per say can you see by the dawn's early light . . . .")

#