Food Watch: Aren't you just dying to know what the World's Best Dumpling is?

And the World's Best Dumpling is . . . Oh wait, we probably shouldn't spoil the suspense. Hey, just keep yer pants on. (For the record, these [REDACTED]s are made with crab paste, which apparently is okay but isn't necessarily part of the [REDACTED].) 

by Ken

You'd be hard put to find someone who loves dumplings more than I do. I always say that I've never met a dumpling I didn't like, though every time I say it, I realize this is not -- as I often say -- the sort of thing you really want to put in the form of a challenge. It doesn't take any time at all to start thinking of all sorts of icky stuff that could be packed into a dumpling.

Anyway, as a confirmed dumpling devotee, I had mixed feelings when I saw the headline on this Thrillist "Power Rank" piece, "The World's Best Dumpling: Which International Variety Is Tops?" On the one hand, the subject of dumplings immediately puts my in my constitutionally inclusive mode, where I'm more inclined to ask if our dumplings can't all get along than to subject them to some form of cutthroat dumpling competition. And I'm not sure I have any idea what it would mean to establish a competitive rankings among, say, Chinese dumplings and Japanese gyoza and ravioli and kreplach. (SPOILER: Watch out for ravioli, though.)

What's more, I'm not sure I trust even so august an authority as Thrillist food/drink staff writer Adam Lapetina to be the Dumpling Determiner. Even if it's true that "his life was changed when he had his first [REDACTED] one year ago."

However, the alternative is attacking my pile of pathological right-wing liars, who have been especially noisy of late, and frankly I'm just not up to that today. Or saying something about L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling -- who curiously figures on the other list as well (though as a person-lied-about rather than a liar himself). So all in all, I say . . . LET'S DO DUMPLINGS!

Because Thrillist insists on doing so, we'll take the World's Best Dumplings in the now obnoxiously traditional (you'll get yours, David Letterman) reverse order.



For the descriptions of nos. 14 through 4, you'll have to consult the article.

14. SPÄTZLE

13. SAMOSA

12. MANTI

11. MOMO
[Coincidentally, I just had my first momo this weekend on my Wolfe Walkers Jackson Heights food tour with Jeff Orlick, at a tiny place at the back of a store that normally houses two other businesses, except that they're both out of business. That's why it's called Tibetan Mobile. Oh yes, it was good, but then I've never met a dumpling I didn't like. -- Ed.]

10. PIEROGI

9. KREPLACH

8. WONTON

7. GNOCCHI

6. KUBBEH

5. CHICKEN AND DUMPLINGS

4. PELMENI

You'll notice that already we've mixed up two items called dumplings which as far as I'm concerned have nothing to do with each other: the things that are shaped pieces of flat dough stuffed with something yummy, what I would obviously think of when we're talking World's Greatest Dumpling; and the things that simply are cooked chunks of dough -- fine for what they are, but not what we ought to be talking about. ("Chicken and dumplings" is the World's Fifth Best Dumpling?)

AND THE WORLD'S THREE BEST DUMPLINGS ARE --

3. KHINKALI


"The Georgians have devised a dumpling for the ages -- khinkali are beef, pork, or onion-stuffed dumplings that contain uncooked meat that becomes edible when the dumplings are cooked. This means the juices are sealed in, and become a hot broth that's sucked out during the inaugural bite."

2. RAVIOLI


"You can't discuss dumplings without talking about ravioli, which are technically dumplings because they're made of dough and stuffed with... well, stuff. The stuff in question, however, is what gets them rated so highly. Italy's already treasured and emulated around the world for its superb cheeses and produce, and when they all get stuffed into a dumpling, it's obligated to be one of the top three. BUT NOT QUITE NUMBER ONE."

1. XIAOLONGBAO


"You haven't lived until you've tried xiaolongbao, the Chinese soup dumpling. These steamed treasures are marvels of Eastern engineering, and contain ACTUAL SOUP and delicious pork filling. How do they get the soup in there? Well, the broth is turned into a gel and added into the filling before the entire package is steamed to perfection and served on a bamboo platter. It's warm and comforting, savory, soupy, and meaty all rolled up into one. It is the ideal dumpling."

•

Yeah, right.

#