Sunday, April 06, 2014

"David Letterman's Top 10 Political Top 10 Lists" (Jaime Fuller,


"Extra Credit": Not a Top Ten List, but . . .

Remember the time Young Johnny McCranky blew Dave off the night he had suspended his campaign because of campaign finances, and appeared with Katie Couric the same day? Jaime Fuller writes: "It wasn't a good idea, as Letterman proceeded to spend the entire time reserved for his McCain interview for a long roast of the presidential candidate, saying 'somebody must have put something in his Metamucil.' He recruited Keith Olbermann -- McCain's replacement -- to join the grumblefest."

by Ken

As you probably know, on Thursday's Late Show with David Letterman Dave announced that he'll be retiring from the show in 2015 (more or less). To celebrate the occasion, the Washington Post's Jaime Fuller compiled for "The Fix" what she calls "David Letterman’s Top 10 Political Top 10s." I thought we should share some of them.


"Top Ten Rick Perry Excuses"

10. “Actually there were three reasons I messed up last night. One was the nerves, two was the headache and three was, and three, uh, uh. Oops.”

9. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I think things went well.”
8. “Hey, I was up late last night watching 'Dancing With the Stars.'”

7. “I thought the debate was tonight.”

6. “Hey, listen. You try concentrating with Mitt Romney smiling at you. That is one handsome dude.”

5. “Uh, El Nino?”
4. “I had a five-hour energy drink six hours before the debate.”
3. “I really hoped to get on my favorite talk show, but instead I ended up here.”
2. “Hey, I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain.”
1. “I just learned Justin Bieber is my father.”


"Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Paul Ryan"

10. He's only the 23rd white guy to become Republican Vice-Presidential nominee
9. Was runner-up on season 3 of "The Bachelorette"
8. Always shampoos once, conditions twice

7. Got his start in Congress as John Boehner's tanning boy
6. Claims to be "a lady in the street, but a freak in the sheets"
5. Like the rest of America, wonders what Romney is hiding in his tax returns
4. Has a good feeling about this Jennifer Aniston marriage working out

3. Eats nothing but plants, berries, and small turtles

2. Even before working at Oscar Mayer, had reputation for "driving the Weinermobile"

1. Born in Kenya


"Top Ten Other Anthony Weiner Pseudonyms"

10. Carlos Dangler

9. Peter Tweeter
8. Eliot Spitzer
7. Perv Griffin
6. James Wand
5. Dwight Thighsenhower

4. Throb Reiner

3. Donald Hump
2. The Notorious Not-So-B.I.G.
1. Mahmoud Ahmadinejunk


"Top Ten Signs Newt Gingrich Is Losing It"

10. New campaign slogan: "What up, Gingsta?"

9. Since losing Iowa, he's married and divorced eight different women.

8. Has EMTs standing by at all times.

7. Quit campaign to buy a zoo with Matt Damon -- still in theaters, people.
6. When he hears the word "caucus," drops his pants and says, "I'll show you a caucus!"
5. In every speech, he attacks Walter Mondale.
4. His New Year's resolution? Be doughiest man he can be.

3. Makes cameo appearance in Casey Anthony's new video blog.

2. Losing it? When did he ever have it?
1. Claims he was born in Kenya.


"Top Ten Things Mitt Romney Would Like to Say to the American People"

10. "Isn't it time for a president who looks like a 1970s game show host?"
9. "What's up, gangstas? It's the M-I-Double Tizzle."
8.  "I have no proof, but I have a feeling Canada is planning something."

7. "Actually, I'm only here to meet Tom Cruise."

6. "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"
5. "My new cologne is now available at Macy's. It's Mittstified."
4. "I just used all my campaign money to buy a zoo with Matt Damon."

3. "I can do a lot, but even I can't fix the Indianapolis Colts."
2. "Newt Gingrich? Really?"
1. "It's a hair piece."


Five lists!


"Many a Top Ten list," including --

"Dan Quayle's Top Ten Pickup Lines"

10. Didn't we almost flunk out of school together?

9. How about a drink with a historical footnote?
8. I sure would have gone to Vietnam if the Cong looked like you

7. Can my father buy you a drink?

6. You could close your eyes and pretend I'm Jack Kemp

5. I think I saw Elvis last week at the Stuckey's on the interstate
4. Look! I've got a bunch of balloons with my name on them!

3. A girl like you could help a guy forget the irreparable damage he's done to the Republican Party

2. I'll be Vice President after we beat Dukakis and Lloyd Bridges
1. Why, yes, I am Pat Sajak

"Top Ten Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Great President"

10. Would not seem like brainy egghead when visiting nation's injured professional wrestlers. 

9. Boyish good looks would cause Mrs. Gorbachev to fall in love, reveal state secrets.
8. His willingness to don inspiring Eagle Man costume on national holidays. 

7. Secret Service agents wouldn't have to take their jobs so seriously.
6. Hilarious hijinks when mischievous staffer tells him to go stand in corner of Oval Office.
5. State of the Union Address would be three minutes tops. 

4. Might really enjoy the part where after signing a bill into law, he gets to pass out a lot of souvenir pens. 

3. Would satisfy little-known constitutional requirement that Chief Executive be "dumb as a tree."
2. We'd get to watch him grow up on TV. 

1. Impossible to pick himself as Vice President.



"Top Ten Reasons Hillary Loves America"

10. We have more Dakotas than every other country combined.
9. Canadian bacon: soggy and chewy; American bacon: crisp and delicious!
8. Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7 – there’s your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy now?
7. 232 years and not one cookie shortage.
6. TiVo
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmm, soup.
4. Did you know former President Teddy Roosevelt was an American?
3. Where else can you get a car painted for $29.95?
2. Is this the part where I say, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”?
1. Apparently anyone can get a talk show.

1. SEN. BARACK OBAMA (January 2008)

"Top Ten Barack Obama Campaign Promises"

10. "To keep the budget balanced, I'll rent the Situation Room to Sweet Sixteens"

9. "I will double your tax money at the craps table"
8. "I'll appoint Mitt Romney Secretary of Looking Good"
7. "If you bring the gator to the White House, I'll wrassle it"
6. "I'll put Regis on the nickel"

5. "I'll rename the tenth month of the year Baracktober"

4. "I won't let Apple release the new and improved iPod the day after you bought the previous model" (So much has changed since 2008...)

3. "I'll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece"

2. "Pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear"

1. "Three words, Vice President Oprah"

Labels: , , , , , , , ,


Post a Comment

<< Home