Today's Update from Super Bowl City: What to do if if turns out your Super Bowl tickets are fake

What, you thought you could just walk into MetLife Stadium for the Super Bowl on Sunday? You sad dreamer! If you're already in East Rutherford, NJ (and we won't ask why you're in East Rutherford, NJ), you have to make the long march to Secaucus, NJ (by the time you're making the schlepp from East Rutherford to Secaucus, you should have a strong hint that your life hasn't turned out quite the way you hoped), and then take the NJ Transit train. But you'll have to show your game ticket to board the stadium train.

"New York, New York, it's a hell of a town.
The Bronx is up, and the Battery's down."

-- Alexander Hamilton, in Federalist Paper No. [inaudible]

by Ken

We continue our series of service features on Coping with Super Bowl XLVIII. Yesterday, you'll recall, we warned you that all $100 bills in the Greater NY-NJ Metropolitan Area have been replaced with counterfeits. If you're caught trying to pass fake C-notes, you'll . . . um, I have to admit that I didn't read the report all that carefully. I believe it said that if you're caught with the hot bills, the Secret Service will send you to New Haven. But I should probably check this out further.

Some locals think they can get around by carrying their walking-around money in 50s (or 1000s). However, this still requires you to place a heap of faith in purported U.S. currency, and our information is that more prudent Super Bowl attendees are carrying their spending money in rolls of nickels.

Moving on to today's "So You're Going to the Super Bowl" Tip, No. 312:

If you've got tickets for the game, they're probably fake.

Bronx Man Caught with Over $100K in Fake Super Bowl Tickets: Authorities

By Ben Fractenberg on January 30, 2014 7:55pm

THE BRONX -- A Soundview man's "dream crushing" counterfeit Super Bowl ticket operation was shut down Thursday, Bronx prosecutors said.

Police arrested Kevin Walker, 42, after finding 124 fake tickets worth $113,900 in his Croes Avenue apartment and in a van owned by his housemate, according to the Bronx District Attorney's Office. [Huh? The fake tickets were worth $113,900? To whom? -- Ed.]

“The sale of these tickets would have potentially deprived fans of their hard earned dollars and crushed the dreams of young and old expecting to attend the much anticipated annual climax to the football season," Bronx DA Robert Johnson said in a statement.

Investigators working with the National Football League saw Walker leaving his apartment Wednesday about 6:30 p.m. with a shoebox, which he placed in a van parked outside.

Bronx prosecutors did not say why they zeroed in on Walker.

Police got a warrant to enter the apartment he was sharing with a woman and found the tickets, holographic paper, gold leaf paper, laminate glue, two packages of 4-by-6 photo paper, a cutter and hot press, according to the DA's Office.

Two other men were arrested Monday for allegedly selling counterfeit tickets, parking passes and Super Bowl events around the city. . . .

If you procured your tickets from a legitimate oligarchical source (who should have shown you his "Certified 1%" license), you're probably OK. Otherwise you should head out for the long journey to MetLife Stadium in beautiful East Rutherford, NJ, with a backup plan in case your tickets turn out to be counterfeit.

Final official data on the quantity of ticket counterfeiting for Super Bowl XLVIII and its ranking among other Super Bowls won't be available until Monday at the earliest, but the NY-NJ Super Bowl XLVIII Host Committee was guardedly confident that their event will be at the very least strongly competitive. Said Host Committee spokesman Victor Schlemenko: "You have to remember, our ticket counterfeiters are selling fake tickets for a game in a freezing cold stadium in the wilds of New Jersey in the dead of winter. It's not like Hawaii or Bali or someplace."

MEANWHILE, THE GOOD NEWS IS . . .

Even if your tickets are fake, there's a good chance that you'll be able to get at least to if not actually in the stadium under the security system set up for access to the facility. As you probably know, you can't just sashay into the stadium. While limited convoys of armored Lexuses bearing 1%-ers may be allowed on the grounds, other attendees are required to take a NJ Transit train to Secaucus, where they may be able to transfer to the train to the stadium, via a system closely modeled on the German railroads' plan for transporting new arrivals to Auschwitz and the other Nazi death camps.

According to the MTA.info website:

How to get to the first outdoor, cold weather Super Bowl.

On February 2, MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey will be home to the National Football League’s Super Bowl XLVIII. If you have a ticket, the only way to reach the stadium is by public transportation, either a pre-arranged hotel shuttle bus, or NJTRANSIT train from Secaucus. No private vehicles will be allowed to approach the stadium without prior arrangement. Fortunately, public transportation options abound See our Regional Transit Diagram (PDF), which also shows the location of other Super Bowl events the week of the game. . . .

To reach the stadium on game day:
NJTRANSIT provides rail service directly to the stadium via Secaucus Junction. From the city, take any NJTRANSIT train from Penn Station one stop to Secaucus, then change to a stadium-bound shuttle train. Round-trip fare from Penn Station New York is $10.50. Only fans with Super Bowl tickets will be allowed to board the stadium-bound trains at Secaucus. Please be prepared to show your train ticket and game ticket. Travel time including the transfer is about 30 minutes. See NJTransit.com for details.

So you see, there's a good chance that your counterfeit tickets may be good enough to get you onto the stadium train. It seems likely, however, that a holding facility will be available onsite for holding phony-ticket detainees, until they can be, um . . . transferred to New Haven?

Probably you should bring a book, and maybe some chips or something to nosh on, and of course a beverage. Dress warmly.

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