Andy B's promise: In its new home at The New Yorker, "The Borowitz Report will be as inaccurate as ever"

Says New Yorker editor David Remnick "has assured me that I can write whatever I want as long as I don’t make fun of Malcolm Gladwell"

The shocking import of this picture newly released by the Romney campaign is explained in the first Borowitz Report in its new home (see below).

by Ken

So, the dreaded onrush of media consolation has struck The Borowitz Report, whose proprietor announced today that his merry carnival of lies has been sucked up by the expansionist juggernaut that is The New Yorker.

THE BOROWITZ REPORT

July 18, 2012

SHOCKER: The New Yorker Acquires The Borowitz Report
Posted by Andy Borowitz

After eleven years of writing nothing but fake news at the Borowitz Report, I have to tell you something that actually happened.

I’m excited to announce that The New Yorker has acquired the Borowitz Report. Starting today, the column will be moving to its new home at newyorker.com.

Longtime Borowitz Report readers might ask: how will moving to The New Yorker, known for its excruciating fact-checking, change the Borowitz Report, which is composed entirely of lies?

The answer: not at all. The Borowitz Report will be as inaccurate as always, and if I ever write something that turns out to be true you have my deepest apology and my promise that it won’t happen again.

Another question: what will happen to the Borowitz Report’s editorial independence? No worries on that score, either. David Remnick, the editor of The New Yorker, has assured me that I can write whatever I want as long as I don’t make fun of Malcolm Gladwell.

And now, if you’ll forgive me, I’d like to say one last thing that’s true.

My mom, Helen Borowitz, who died this month at the age of eighty-three, loved The New Yorker all her life and introduced me to it when I was a little boy. Seeing the Borowitz Report at The New Yorker would have made her so happy. I dedicate all my columns to her memory.

Sincere condolences to Andy. I'll bet it must be some consolation to think of how happy this development would have made her.


AND HERE'S THE FIRST POST OFTHE NEW REGIME

So far, at least, Andy seems to be toeing the line on the Malcolm Gladwell front.

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN RELEASES FIRST PICTURE OF V.P. PICK
Posted by Andy Borowitz

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) -- Republican Presidential choice Mitt Romney shocked the political world today by releasing a picture of his choice for Vice-President -- a man who, political insiders admit, was on nobody's short or long list.

The photo shows Mr. Romney's Veep pick, whose face was immediately recognizable to millions of Americans, wearing his trademark top hat and carrying what appears to be a moneybag, with currency of various denominations trailing behind him.

The Romney campaign issued scant information about the source of his running mate’s wealth, saying only that he had made his money "in real estate" and would not be releasing his tax returns.

Davis Logsdon, a political scientist who studies the history of Vice-Presidential selection at the University of Minnesota, called the choice of running mate who might be even wealthier than Mr. Romney "baffling beyond words."

"Is Mitt Romney really going to share the stage at the Republican convention in Tampa with a man clutching a bulging sack with a big dollar sign on it?" Mr. Logsdon asked. "Those are terrible optics."

Moreover, he added, Mr. Romney's Vice-Presidential choice has political baggage that could prove problematic going forward: "We're talking about someone who has gotten out of jail multiple times."

The Romney campaign may have released the picture to distract attention from yesterday's controversial comment by 2008 G.O.P. nominee John McCain, who said that he passed on Mr. Romney as his V.P. pick because Alaska governor Sarah Palin was a "better candidate."

Today, Senator McCain attempted to explain his remark: "Romney had all his money hidden in Switzerland. Sarah Palin was better because she had never heard of Switzerland."

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